Family Guy JT: Season 1
by storytellr
Summary: This is a retelling of the series, where the Griffins take in two new additions to their home and, eventually, their family. For more information on these characters, please visit my DeviantArt page LoverofGames64. Anyway, hope y'all like it and if you do, please leave me your response for more chapters and, hopefully, more seasons. Cover by Family Guy Fan writer 15.
1. Death Has a Shadow

**Chapter 1: A Humble Beginning**

Death Has a Shadow

It was an ordinary day in Quahog, Rhode Island. The Griffins were watching an episode of _The Brady Bunch_. On left to right were the family on the light purple couch; eldest son Chris Griffin, family dog Brian, who was sitting on the floor, father Peter Griffin, mother Lois Griffin, who was holding the youngest son Stewie Griffin in her arms, and finally eldest child and only daughter Meg Griffin, who was lying on her stomache.

"Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket." Jan told her parents.

"Greg, were you smoking cigarettes?" Mike asked, looking at Greg.

"No, dad." Greg answered.

Mike then turned to his wife. "Well, he's lying. There's no doubt about that." He then turned back to Greg. "Greg, I'm afraid your punishment will be four hours in the snake pit." As he said that, he pushed a button next to him that revealed a trapdoor on the floor between Greg and Jan, where hissing noises were coming out of it. "Maybe that'll give you some time to think about what you've done." Mike then finished.

"Aw, man!" Greg whined. He then leaped into the snake pit.

"That'll teach him." Jan smugly said in victory.

Mike was now walking over to a metallic door in the same room. "And Jan, I'm afraid you've earned a day in the chamber of fire..." He then pressed another button on the wall which opened the metallic door, revealing a room filled with flames. Mike soon finished his sentence "...for tattling on your brother."

"Uch! Smoking. How does a boy like that go so wrong?" Lois said, turning her head to Peter.

"Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood." Peter replied.

"The Bradys?" Brian questioned.

"Oh, hell, yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers. Ugh, you name it." Peter explained.

Suddenly, a black woman pops up from the window holding a stack of pancakes and said. "You folks want some pancakes?"

"No, thank you." Peter told her and then turned to the audience. "See, that's the worst we got is, uh, Jemima's Witnesses."

Later, it was nighttime. Everyone was then at the kitchen table. Well, except for Peter, who wasn't there. There, Lois was busy getting dinner ready, Chris was doing homework and writing notes, Meg was reading a magazine, and finally, the baby Stewie was on a high chair, appearing to be adjusting to what appeared to be a ray gun.

"Mom, my lips are too thin. Can I please get collagen injections?" Meg asked her mother.

Lois then answered her. "Meg, you don't need to change the ay you look. You know, most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image."

**Cutaway #1**

In a gym called "Das Gym," Hitler is trying pathetically to lift two small weights. He then hears laughter coming from his left and turns to see a physically fit Jewish man with woman around him. Hitler soon growls in envy.

**End**

"Excellent! The mind-control device is nearing completion!" Stewie exclaimed, satisfied with his success.

Lois then took away the rifle he was working on and told him "Stewie, I said no toys at the table."

"Damn you, vile woman!" Stewie yelled at his mother infuriated. "You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb."

Lois wanted to confort her baby. "Ohh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he'd ever seen."

"But, of course. That was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille!" Stewie explained, then ordered her. "Return the device, woman!"

"No toys, Stewie" Lois told Stewie. She put the device in a cabinet.

"Very well, then. Mark my words, when you least expect it, your uppance will come!" Stewie threatened her, narrowing his eyes menacingly at her.

"Mom, can I turn the heat up?" Meg then asked.

"Oh, don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset." Lois said

"Come on. This thing goes up to 90." Meg replied. She barely turned the dial when Peter soon bursted into the room.

"Who touched the thermostat?" Peter said.

"God, how does he always know?" Meg questioned.

"Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the children are messin' with the dial." Peter told his daughter.

Right after he said that, a man immediately came in and said "Hey, Peter, my thing went off! Your thermostat okay?"

"Yeah, it's alright." Peter said to the man.

"Hey, is my kid over here?" Said a black man who then entered the scene.

"Forget it! False alarm!" The first man said. Then another possible father came up from behind the other two dads.

"Whoa, ass ahoy." Brian said whilst entering the room, then asked "Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?"

"He's going to a stag party." Lois answered to Brian's question with her arms crossed.

Peter then tried to convince her about letting him go. "Now, Lois, I work hard all week to provide for this family. I am the man of the house and as the man, I order you to give me permission to go to this party." Peter demanded.

"Look, at least promise me you won't drink. Alcohol always leads to trouble." Lois said to Peter, hoping he would take it seriously.

"Come on, you're worrying about nothing." Peter told her, trying to get her to relax.

"Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the Communion wine at church?" Lois asked Peter, reminding him that this sort of thing had happened before.

**Cutaway #2**

At a church, a pastor was giving a sermon to everyone. "And so The Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body." The pastor said.

"Oh dear, I always feel guilty about this story" God said, who was in one of the pews there.

The pastor continued his sermon. "Yet, miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity." While the pastor was talking, Peter was taking a rather big sip from the Communion cup he was allowed to drink, then he coughed.

"Whoa, is that really the blood of Christ?" Peter asked the pastor, now intoxicated.

The pastor answered "Yes."

"Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, huh?" Peter drunkenly remarked.

**End**

Lois continued her point. "And then there was that time at the ice cream store."

**Cutaway #3**

The Griffins were inside an ice cream parlor, each family member, except Lois, who was holding Stewie, and Brian having their own scoop of ice cream.

"Aw, Butter Rum's my favorite." Peter exclaimed at his ice cream. As he takes a single lick, he passes out on a nearby table.

**End**

Brian emerges from underneath the table and furthers Lois's example. "And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see _Philadelphia_?"

**Cutaway #4**

The Griffins were at a theater crying like the other moviegoers, whilst Peter seemingly observing something about the movie they were watching. He then realizes the subject as he claps his hands together and says "I got it. That's the guy from _Big_. Tom Hanks, that's it." Meg and Lois turned their heads towards Peter in slight annoyance. "Aw, funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch." Peter continued.

Then on the screen, it showed the said actor saying "I have AIDS." Peter then bursted out laughter at what he said, believing it to be a joke. His daughter, Meg, however, gave him a very mad look on her face.

**End**

"Promise me, Peter." Lois said in irritance, hoping he would.

"Lois, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight." Peter proclaimed.

Immediately, at the stag party, a man with the red Hawaiian shirt said "Hey! Who wants to play 'Drink the Beer'?" The man was named Quagmire.

"Right here." Peter said. The chugged the beer.

"Heh, you win." Quagmire said.

"Alright. What do I win?" Peter asked.

"Another beer!" Quagmire said, handing a beer to Peter.

"Oh, I'm going for the high score!" Peter excitedly claimed.

"Well, actually, Charlie's got the high score." Quagmire said pointing to a man supposedly Charlie urinating in a grandfather clock. "Hey, man. Your clock won't flush." said Charlie.

Soon then, Peter began to feel guilty about breaking his promise to Lois, which he then told the guys. "You know, I feel kind of bad, you guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink."

"Aw, don't feel bed, Peter." Quagmire told Peter.

"Huh, gee. I never really thought of it like that."

"Hey! did you bring the porno?" A man to Peter's right said.

"Did I bring the porno, eh?" Peter replied, holding up a video cassette entitled _Assablanca_ on the front. "You're gonna love it. It's a classic."

They guys were watching the movie on a couch. The movie they were watching was an erotic version of the classic film _Casablanca_.

"Listen, Ilsa. If I tske this thing out and you're not on it, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not today. But soon, and for the rest of your life." The man in a trenchcoat said to Ilsa.

"Oh, come on, Ilsa! Get on!" Peter told the fictional character, desperate to see some action.

Back in the movie, Ilsa then took off her robe, revealing herself in her underwear. Just as she was about to remove her bra, static cuts the scene to a picture of the Statue of Liberty. "The statue was originally a gift from France." said the announcer, as it was a documentary.

"What is this?" Charlie demanded.

"Aw, man. My kid must've taped over this for history class." Peter replied in realization.

Almost all the guys there groaned in disappointment. "Aw, the Statue of Liberty? What are we gonna do?" One of them asked.

"Boys, boys, we're gonna drink till she's hot." Peter suggested.

"Eh, that's just crazy enough to work." Quagmire agreed with.

Soon, they were all busy slurping and consuming much alcohol in order to satisfy their specific needs. Suddenly, a blue, mysterious glowing light came from outside, but the guys were too on their own plan to even notice.

Then morning arose and everyone was having breakfast. The catch, however, was that they were having their breakfast on top of a hungover Peter, who was already awake.

"Meg, finish your pancakes. Chris, elbows off your father." Lois told her kids. "Thanks, son." Peter thanked Chris as the boy lifted his elbows.

"37 beers. Well, you're setting a great example for the kids, Peter." Lois said to her husband.

"Yeah, a new family record. Way to raise the bar, dad." Chris said.

"Chris, you're 13. Don't talk like that." Lois told Chris.

"Now, kids, daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off." Peter abruptly said.

"Peter, what did you promise me last night?" Lois tested Peter to remind him of what she said before.

"I wouldn't drink at the stag party." Peter replied.

Lois then gave Peter another question about last night. "And what did you do?"

"Drank at the stag pa... Oh, ho, ho, ho, I almost walked right into that one." Peter chuckled, but then had his hands on his head. "Oh, God! It feels like accountants are cranking adding machines in my head." Peter conplained in headache. The scene then zooms inside Peter's head to show two accountants in desks doing exactly what Peter said about them.

The accountant on the left asked the right accountant "Dick, you ever wonder what's outside those walls?"

The right accountant, on the other hand, brushed off the question and told his workmate "Say now, that's dangerous thinking, Paul. You best stick to your work."

The other accountant then agreed "Okay," is all he said after that. Then he and his partner went back to work.

Back outside of Peter's head, Lois then said "You see, Peter? A hangover is nature's way of telling you I was right. I mean... Ughh." She was cut off by the snap of one of her chair's legs and ended up on the floor.

"Mom, are you all right?" Meg asked.

Lois got back up, assuring everyone she was okay. "My goodness. This chair leg was loose. Isn't that silly? I could've broken my neck." Lois said after surveying the chair leg.

"Damn!" Stewie bitterly replied after Lois said that, indicating he was the one to have caused it.

"Look, honey, I took a cab home, I let the hobos outside sleep on the porch, I slept on the table so I wouldn't..." Peter informed Lois before she cut him off.

"Wait a minute. Peter, what did you mean by 'the hobos outside?'" Lois asked Peter.

"Oh, that. Well, you see, these two homeless guys were on the front porch when I got home. They were already out by the time I noticed them. I pretty sure they're gone by now." Peter told her.

Lois went to the front door to see if Peter was right and after looking both sides, she looked down and found two young men lying unconscious on the front porch, just as Peter said. They appeared to have been pummeled a lot, as one of them had a huge bruise on his. "Oh, my God!" was all Lois could say at her discovery. Then she got the kids in the living room. "Kids, help me bring them inside. They need our help." Lois and Chris lifted up a boy with brown hair who was wearing a long-sleeve, red shirt, blue pants and dark-gray shoes. They placed him on the couch to make him comfortable and to help him recover quicker. They then brought in the other teen who had glasses, tan-blonde hair, was wearing a cyan shirt, grey shorts and sneakers. They instead layed him on a blanket spreaded on the floor.

"Are they dead?" Chris was curious.

"They're not dead, you idiot. They're still breathing." Meg told her low-grade brother.

"Oh, yeah? Well, prove it." Chris dared her.

Meg then held on Boy #2's nose to show Chris. When the boy begins to move, she lets go and proves to him right.

"Chris, go and tell your father. I'm going to need him to

"Alright, Meg, I'm going to need you to watch them while I'm gone. Okay?" Lois informed Meg.

"Yes. ma'am." Meg said.

Lois went to find where the first-aid kit was. The boy then started to gain a bit of conscienceness back, but Meg didn't hear nor notice him, as she looked at Tyler first, wondering where he and the other boy came from. The kid groaned and thought "Oww, what happened? Where am I?" He couldn't feel his eyes open and decided to move his hand a bit to hand to the left, but soon Meg felt something touching her rear, which the felt the same. He managed to get his eyes opened and found his hand on what looked like a butt, which made him look up to find a girl looking down from behind. It was silent for a moment or two, then finally they both screamed at the same time, which then woke up the other boy on the ground. Lois and Chris rushed back into the living room to see what happened.

"You pervert!" Meg shouted at the boy on the couch.

"Meg. Are you okay? What happened?" Lois asked Meg.

"He touched my butt!" Meg pointed to the boy on the couch, who was now conscience.

"What?!" Lois exclaimed.

Chris laughs at the situation. "Looks like Meg's gotta new boyfriend." Chris then said.

"Is this true?" Lois demanded to the boy who "touched" her.

"No, her butt was right in front of my face." The boy claimed.

Suddenly, the boy on the floor was just getting up. He then took a big yawn and then stretched. "Mornin'." The boy said now waking up, "Wait, afternoon? Or was it evening?"

"It's morning." Lois told him.

"Oh..." Boy #2 replied.

"Can we get back to me, please? I got sexually harassed by some boy on a couch." Meg said.

"For the last time, I..." Boy #1 said.

"That's enough, you two!" Lois broke in, attempting to end their arguing.

"But he..." Meg said. "But she..." The boy on the couch said.

"No 'buts'. Now, Meg, I don't want you to be rude to our new guests. They were on our front door and they need all our help and during then, I like for you to maybe get to know this boy a little more. Maybe it was just a misunderstanding." Lois told Meg.

"But I..." Meg said before Lois gave a stern look at her, causing her to change her mind. "Okay, fine, mom."

"That's better." Lois said. She turned her direction to the boy now. "And young man, I suggest you and your friend do the same."

"Alright." Boy #1 said.

"Yes, ma'am." Boy #2 said.

"Thank you... Oh, I'm sorry. I don't even know your names." Lois said realizing she didn't know their names first.

"Our names... Uhh... I think mine is..." Boy #1, "That's weird. I can't remember what my name is."

"Yeah. Me, too. Or anything else, for that matter." Boy #2 also said.

"How come they can't remember, mom?" Chris asked.

"I think they might have amnesia." Lois claimed.

"Who's amnesia?" Boy #2

"Not who, what. It's a condition where you cannot remember who you were." Lois said, "I know. How about you two stay here with us until you get your memories back. How does that sound?"

"That's mighty kind of you, Mrs..." Boy #2 said upon realizing something important, "Uh, I'm sorry. My friend and I don't know your names."

"Oh, I'm sorry. My name is Lois Griffin, but you two will call me 'Mrs. Griffin,' okay?" Lois told the boys. "Let me introduce you boys to everyone."

"I can see one of you've met my daughter, Meg, who's ass you grabbed." Lois told Boy #1.

"Wha- No! I didn't know it was her, "rear" that I touched. Besides, I had my eyes closed. I couldn't see where my hand was." Boy #1 quickly repied. "Sure you were." Lois said sarcastically. "I DIDN'T!" Boy #1 shouted.

Boy #2 pointed to Chris. "That's my son, Chris. And this here is little baby Stewie." Lois told the boys. "Say hi to the nice people, Stewie." Lois said affectionately to her baby.

"Hey, Lois, are you and the kids done with breakfast, 'cause, uh, I like to get off now." Peter said from in the kitchen.

"Oh, and that would be my husband, Peter." Lois said still aggrivated with him.

Everyone, including the new guests, then went to the kitchen where Peter was still lying on the table with breakfast on him.

"Peter, are these the 'hobos' you were telling me about?" Lois asked Peter.

"Yeah, that's them. Nice to meet ya, I'm Peter Griffin. You can call me Peter." Peter then talked to the boys, "What are your names?"

"Uh, Peter, they don't really know much about their names because they've got amnesia." Lois informed Peter.

"Amnesia? Wait. It is contageous, is it?" Peter questioned Lois.

"No, Peter." Lois answered.

"Wheh, thank God." Peter relieved.

"Anyway, Peter, I was hoping maybe we could have them stay here until they recover. I don't think they have anywhere else and I feel we should help them. So, what do you say? Can they stay?" Lois asked Peter about the decision.

"Well... I-I guess... Anyway, Lois, I was just letting you know that I slept on the table so I wouldn't wake you up. Nothing bad happen." Peter reminded Lois of earlier.

"Well, I... I guess you're right." Lois accepted his apology.

"Apology accepted. All right, I'm going to work. Somebody's gotta put food on this table." Peter said. He then passed out rolling off the table along with the family's breakfast.

Peter went to his workplace, the Happy-Go-Lucky toy factory. Peter's boss, Mr. Weed was checking up on his workers' progress. "How are you coming, Johnson?" Mr. Weed asked Johnson. The worker then replied "Well, Mr. Weed, I've been working on the new G.I. Jew line and as you can see, they look great." He was holding a prototype of his toy, a army soldier meant to resemble a stereotypical Jewish man, which said "You call these bagels?" "Whoa! I'm glad he's on our side!" The worker replied to the toy's statement.

The boys from back at the house came with Peter to work, who was asleep behind a conveyor belt that had different types of toys going by on it. "Peter!" said Mr. Weed waking up Peter, who stuttered "What?". Mr. Weed was very upset "Are you sleeping on the job?" Peter tried to convince him "Uh, no. There's, uhh, a bug in my eye and I'm tryin' to suffocate him."

Mr. Weed then went easy on Peter "Peter, I like you. But I need you to be more than just eye candy around here. It's your job to watch for toys that could be hazardous to children. Now, look sharp!" "Uhh, yes, sir!" Peter replied quickly. As Mr. Weed left, Peter went right back to sleep, where after one row of what were innocent playthings soon became a mini gallery of lethal weapons, such as a knife, a power socket, a tank of gasoline and etc. Boys #1 &amp; 2 then attempted to wake Peter up but to prevail.

The next day, the news came on. "And now back to _Action News 5_. Our top story tonight, "When Toys Attack." said the woman in the red anchor uniform. "Quite a situation we've got here, Tom." she soon told her partner. "Quite a situation we've got here, Tom, indeed, Diane." Tom said to Diane, the red-clothed newswoman. "It seems the Happy-Go-Lucky Toy, Co. of Quahog, Rhode Island has released several highly unsafe toy products into the retail market." They then showed footage of some children whose parents purchased the "new" toys. "Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball!" a kid at home plate said, ready to swing, though instead of a Silly Ball, the kid at pitcher threw an axe which stuck to the boy's bat. "Oh, boy! A Pound Puppy!" said another boy who was shaking open a _Pound Puppies_ box, only to find medicine to come out. Then, lastly, it showed a girl playing with a Baby Heimlich doll. "Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out." The baby then spat up fire.

Mr. Weed, watching the news in his office, ashamed and outraged, turned off the TV and turned to Peter. "Peter, I am appalled. Your negligence has damaged this company's reputation." "You're fired!" Mr. Weed then shouted. "Aw, jeez. For how long?" Peter asked his now former boss, confusing it with something else.

That night back home, Peter told his kids and the boys staying with them the news of what happened.

"Oh, my God! You got fired?" Meg said after hearing her father.

"Way to go, dad! Fight the machine!" Chris rooted for his father. "How do you know about the machine?" Stewie questioned Chris. "He didn't" Boy #2 told him. "Oh, well, never mind, then." Stewie replied back.

Peter tried to calm them down. "Now, don't worry, kids. Your father's still gonna put food on this table. Just not as much. So it might get competitive." Peter informed them.

Meg got up from her chair, "Who cares about food? Now we'll never be able to afford my lip injections!" Meg said as she sat back down with her hands on her face.

"Hey, Peter, can we put her out in the yard for a while?" Brian suggested to Peter, which Boy #1 soon asked, "What?"

"Okay, who's hungry?" Lois said affirming that dinner was ready.

"Whoa!" Boy #2 said.

Peter han his hands to his head, trying to come up with a solution to the situation, "Aw, jeez. How the hell am I gonna break this to Lois? If she finds out I got fired for drinking, she's gonna blame me!"

Boy #2 then decided to give Peter some help, "Why not just tell her the tr..."

Before Boy #2 gave him his solution, Peter's devil conscience appeared over his right shoulder. "Lie to her. It's okay to lie to woman. They're not people like us." The Peter devil said.

"Uhh, I don't know." Peter said in hesitation. He looked to his left shoulder and waited a second, then asked, "Hey, where's the other guy?"

**Cutaway #5**

Peter's angel conscience was stuck in traffic. "Come on, you bastard! I'm late for work." The angel said. He then takes a sip of his coffee, which spills on his white robe. "Oh-ohhh-oh, this is perfect!"

**End**

Peter then informed his kids and the guests, "Look, I don't want your mom to worry, all right? When she worries, she says, 'I told you so' and 'Stop doing that. I'm asleep.' So I'm just gonna tell a little lie, okay? Now, not a word to your mom about me getting canned." "The same goes for you two also." Peter also said to Boys #1 &amp; 2.

"What's that, Peter?" Lois asked Peter about what he was saying as she walked in the room holding dinner.

"Uh-uh, nothing. Uh, oh, the lost-my-job smells great." Peter nervously said out. "What?" Lois questioned.

"Uh-uh, Meg, honey, can you pass the fired-my-ass-for-negligence?" Peter quickly changed the subject nervously.

"Peter, are you feeling okay?" Lois was concerned. "Heh-heh, I feel great! I haven't got a job in the world." Peter replied.

"All right, then let's eat." Lois stated. "Now, I know you all hate eggplant, but..." She was cut off when a blue laser suddenly zoomed right in front of her, catching her and everyone else's attention. "What on earth was that?" Lois exclaimed. "It looked like some sort of laser..." Tyler claimed. Everyone pointed towards Stewie, who was holding what appeared to be a sandwich with a gunpoint at the opposite of Stewie's face. "What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish... And nothing else." Stewie told everyone as the gunpoint then rolled into the sandwich. Boy #1 then gave Stewie a suspicious look, assuming there's more to this child than meets the eye.

The next day, Peter walks back to the house with Boys #1 &amp; 2 and Brian waiting for him on the front porch.

"Hey, how's the job search going?" Brian asked Peter.

"Uh, it sucks, guys. I've already been through two jobs this week. I got off of that commercial." Peter told them.

**Cutaway #6**

Peter is auditioning to be Sonny, the Cocoa Puffs mascot, with little success.

"Try it again." The director said.

Peter gets it wrong. "I'm caca for Cuckoo Puffs."

"No, damn it! Take 26." The director said aggrivated at Peter's repeated mistake.

**End**

Peter continued about his job search. "And then I had that job as the sneeze guard for the salad bar at that restaurant."

**Cutaway #7**

At the restaurant Peter mentioned, a woman is going to sneeze at a salad bar, but Peter, who's in uniform, pulls out a gun and points it directly at her. "Take it outside, lady." Peter informed the woman.

**End**

Peter then ended his statement. "And I thought I could win some money in that talent show."

**Cutaway #8**

We are shown a scene from _The Sound of Music_, where an announcer is giving out the results.

"And the grand prize goes to the Von Trapp Family Singers!" The announcer revealed.

"Oh, that is bull..." The last part of his sentence was drowned out by a round of applause from the audience. A German man later comes in and tells Peter, "They're gone!"

"Aw, sweet!" Peter proclaimed relievely.

**End**

Boy #2 then spoke, "Peter, I know it's a dangerous precedent, but why don't just tell Mrs. Griffin the truth."

"What? That I can't provide for my family? Tha-that she's always right? That I didn't really stand up to that tank in Tiananmen Square?" Peter told Brian, also bringing up a time he did fail Lois at.

**Cutaway #9**

This takes place to the Tiananmen Square event back in 1989. The government tanks are rolling down the street, where Peter is next to the lone man who attempts to stop the tanks. After looking back and forth between the man and the tanks, Peter suddenly says, "Aw, screw this! I just came over here to buy some fireworks!" After admitting his intentions, Peter soon runs away.

**End**

"Peter, they're right. You can't keep lying to her about losing your job. Sooner or later, she's gonna find out where you're really going every day." Brian said to Peter.

"Oh, yeah." Peter realized.

**Cutaway #10**

Lois is watching what sounds like a game show on the TV. Behind her is Peter disguising himself as a lamp.

**End**

Peter then realized that Brian and the Boys were right. then said, "Yeah, you're right. Okay, I'll tell her tonight."

As soon as he left, Boy #1 then decided to ask Brian one personal question. "Hey, Brian, uh... Can me and my friend talk to you for a minute?" Boy #1 finally asked.

"Sure. What do you want to ask me?" Brian replied.

"Well, it's kinda about the baby." Boy #1 said.

"Who? Stewie?" Brian asked.

"Yep." Boy #1 replied.

"Let me guess, you think he's precious, don't you?" Brian teased.

"No. More like deviously phycho." Boy #2 said.

"Oh..." Brian exclaimed, "So, you both see it besides me, eh?"

"You knew?!" Boys # 1 &amp; 2 said in unison.

"Look, it's something you'll both won't understand until you see it." Brian told them.

"Yeah? Well me and 'him' are going to catch him in the act before it's too late. Tonight." Boy #1 said.

"Phhttt. Well, good luck with that." Brian sarcastically told them.

That night, the kitchen was dark and there was no sign of anyone nearby. Just then, Stewie in his PJs enters the room, doing a small flip jump. He then pulls out a grappling hook out from behind him and aims it to the cabinet by the backdoor. He fires the gun and then slowly retracts up to the cabinet. He then opens it and successfully retrieves his mind control device from inside. "Victory is mine!" Stewie triumphly shouts.

"Gotcha!" Just then, Boys #1 &amp; 2 jumps from different sides towards Stewie and tackle him, which breaks the rope that was holding him. The buys then try to hold down Stewie, but he keeps struggling to escape. Soon, the struggle has them roll under the table. Just then, Lois walks into the room while talking to Peter.

"Peter, I'll need the checkbook in the morning. I'm going to Stop 'N Shop for some sweet corn." Lois said to Peter. As they were talking, the boys' struggle with Stewie continues from underneath the table, though Lois and Peter didn't pay attention to nor could hear them.

"Wha, you're sending money on food again?" Peter asked Lois, "Geez, Lois, we just had dinner."

"Well, you know, I enjoyed it so much, I thought we'd eat again tomorrow." Lois sarcastically replied to Peter, "Since when are you so concerned about our food budget?"

"Well, I just, uh..." Peter stuttered and struggled, "Lois, this is really hard for me to say, but, uh..."

"What is it, Peter" Lois asked Peter.

Peter was having a hard time trying to tell her what he needed to say. Unfortunately, however. "You're getting kind of fat." Peter lied defeated.

"What?" Lois said a bit angered.

"I-It's just... It's not healthy. Heheheh..." Peter lied again.

"Peter, I do my Jane Fonda workout tape three times a week. When was the last time you saw your toes?" Lois reminded to Peter.

"Gee... Man, I thought you people were supposed to be jolly." Peter said.

"Peter, what the hell's the matter with you?" Lois concernly asked Peter, "Honey, if's there's something wrong, you can tell me."

Just after she said that, Peter's angel conscience finally arrives. "Hey, uh, sorry, man. Am I late? What did I miss?" Peter's angel conscience asked him.

"Ah, thank God you're here. What do I do?" Peter asked his conscience.

Just as it was about to answer, a devil conscience for the angel conscience then appears.

"Tell him to keep lying." The smaller devil conscience told the angel, "He's in too deep."

"Uhh, I don't know." The angel struggly said. He then looks to his left, only to find no one there. "Hey, where's the other guy?"

**Cutaway #11**

Just like what happened with the angel conscience, the angel's angel conscience is, you guessed it, stuck in traffic.

"Ughh! This is unbelievable!" The smaller angel said.

**End**

Peter lets out a slight sigh, then says, "Lois, I promise you, everthing's fine. You got nothin' to worry about."

"Well, well, mother!" A familiar voice came out, "We meet again!"

Lois turns around to find Stewie pointing his ray gun directly toward Lois, though, she doesn't seem horrified.

"Mrs. Griffin, get out of here!" Boy #1 said coming out from underneath beaten up.

"Yeah! Stewie's psycho!" Boy #2 soon too came out, also heavily bruised.

"What are you boys doing down the-" Lois was saying to the boys as she turns her attention to Stewie, "Stewie, I thought I tucked you in an hour ago."

"Not tightly enough it would seem." Stewie told back to Lois, "And now, you contemptible harpy, and with those two imbeciles out of the way, I shall end your oppressive reign of matriarchal tyranny."

"Oh, I see what's going on." Lois said.

"You do?" The boys underneath the table said.

"Yes, of course. You were both playing with Stewie." Lois said affectionately, "Well, isn't that sweet of you, boys."

"What?" Boys #1 &amp; 2 exclaimed, shocked at what they've just heard.

"Oh, you can play with your new friends tomorrow, honey." Lois said to Stewie as she put the device back up in the cabinet, "Right now it's bedtime."

"Oh! Blast you and your estrogenical treachery!" Stewie yelled as Lois was carrying him out of the kitchen. "And your inefficient henchmen, too!" He then said, referring to the boys.

"Heh, sweet dreams, kiddo." Peter said to Stewie.

"You have the power to end this!" Stewie pointed to Peter.

Just as Lois left with Stewie, Brian walks in and he, Peter and the boys sat at the table.

"Hey, how'd she take it?" Brian asked Peter.

"He told her she was fat." Boy #2 replied for Peter.

"No. No." Brian then told Peter as he tapped his newspaper on Peter's head.

"Look, I hate lying to Lois. It's just... I-It the best way to keep her from knowing the truth." Peter explained to them.

"Mr. Griffin, you have to her about it before it's too late." Boy #1 reasoned.

"He's right, Peter, you don't have a choice. Your unemployment's gonna dry up soon and she'll probably sense something's amiss when they repossess your house." Brian then followed.

"Yeah, Mr. Griffin, you really oughta think about your family's welfare, or something..." Boy #2 said.

"Jeez, guys! That's a great idea!" Peter exclaimed in dignity.

"No. That's not what I..." Boy #2 replied to Peter's statement.

"Hey, thanks alot. Alright, I'm goin' to bed. Don't stay up too late, guys." Peter told them as he left the room.

"By the way, what happened?" Brian asked the boys.

"Uh, we were fighting Stewie." Boy #2 told Brian.

"You knew what was going to happen, didn't you?" Boy #1 questioned Brian.

"Pretty much." Brian replied, "So, now do you understand why I don't act?"

"Yes." Both of them agreed.

"Good." Brian told them as he went off for bed.

The next day, Peter was at the welfare offices in hopes of them giving hm money.

"Okay, do you have any disabilities, past injuries, physical anomalies?" The accountant asked Peter.

"Uhhh... Eh, o-oh! I-I didn't have gas for the first time until I was 30." Peter proclaimed.

**Cutaway #12**

It shows a younger Peter in his early 30s possibly in the '70s, where he was reading the paper. Suddenly, he farts for the first time and stops reading with a surprised look in his face.

"What the hell was that?" Peter wondered.

**End**

Peter excitedly returns home with his new welfare check. The boys, the kids (except Stewie) and Brian were there at the fornt porch.

"Guys, our money problems are over. We're officially on welfare!" Peter told everyone, "Come on, kids, help me scatter car parts on the front lawn."

"Uh, how much are we getting?" Brian then asked. "Yeah." Boy #2 replied.

"Uh, let's see. $150 a week." Peter exclaimed.

"Huh. Well, that's not too bad." Boy #1 said.

Meg takes a closer look at the check. "Wait." She soon said, "That's a comma, not a decimal."

Peter lifts his thumbs to show how much it really was; $150,000.

"Uh-oh..." Boy #2 proclaimed.

"Whoops." Peter replied.

Back in the house, Lois was sitting in the kitchen talking on the phone.

"No, no, I haven't seen Peter nor the new house guests all afternoon." Lois said on the phone, "I was giving a piano lesson."

Suddenly, arrows hit the side of the chair Lois was sitting on, exactly a few feet away from her. She then notices Stewie behind where she was looking at.

"Stewie, why don't you play in the other room?" Lois told Stewie.

Stewie steps out from behind the table. "Why don't you burn in Hell?" The toddler yelled back.

"Well, no dessert for you, young man." Lois said to Stewie's statement.

Somewhere else in the neighborhood, Peter was genually achnowledging how much money the government gave him, whilst Brian was urinating on a fire hydrant.

"Boy! Who would've thought getting drunk at a stag party would get me $150,000 a week from the government?" Peter excitedly said.

"This is why I don't vote." Brian scoffed.

"Heh. Hey, maybe somebody down there was drinking, too, huh?" Peter assumed.

**Cutaway #13**

At a presidential hearing, a man in the crowd gives the President a question about his politics.

"Mr. President, why do you think the American public continues to support you throughout these impeachment proceedings?" The man asked.

"Um, probably because you're so fat." Bill Clinton trash talked back at the man as he was clearly intoxicated from the martini he was drinking.

(A/N: This Bill Clinton is actually the one with the redesign seen in "Peter and Bill's Bogus Journey. I just thought that since Seth and his animators wanted this new look, that it should be the main look for the character.)

**End**

"Peter, you might want to call the Welfare Commission." Brian told Peter, "That check is obviously an oversight."

"Well, not necessarily." Peter suggested, "Maybe I'm like their one millionth customer."

"What, you're gonna spend a $150,000 a week?" Brian questioned Peter.

"Um. Yeah." Peter said a bit nervous.

"On what?" Brian asked.

Back at the house, Peter was just showing everyone his first purchase with the welfare money.

"Oh, my God!" Lois exclaimed in surprise, "Peter, you bought the Statue of David?" It was indeed the Statue of David.

"No, no, no, I just rented it." Peter informed Lois, "Yeah, they're gonna be ticked, though. The penis broke off while I was loading it into the car." Peter then threw the broken off fragment into the distance. It crashes through a window in Mr. Weed's house, where, coincidentally, it lands right next to him sitting in his living room.

"I shall call you 'Eduardo.'" Mr. Weed said at his newfound companion.

Cuts back to the Griffins outside their house.

"Peter, how can we afford this?" Lois questioned Peter.

"You're not gonna believe it, mom! Dad's getting a-" Chris said, almost blowing Peter's plan.

"A-a big raise!" Peter quickly said before Chris finished.

"Peter, that's wonderful!" Lois claimed in excitement.

"But, dad, I thought-" Chris almost blew it again.

"Th-the kind of raise that'll allow me to give my kids a big allowance just to keep their big mouths shut." Peter interrupted again, this time bribing Chris, "Come on, you guys. I'll buy us the most expensive meal we've ever had."

The Griffins are in their car, along with the boys, at a restaurant's drive-thru with Peter giving their orders.

"Yeah, I'd like 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas, please." Peter said to the intercom.

"I beg your pardon?" The clerk through the intercom asked.

"Uh, 6,000 chicken fa-ji-tas." Peter repeated.

"And a "So-sage" McBiscuit, please." Brian said afterwards.

"And two sodas." Boys #1 &amp; 2 followed in unison.

The next day, Peter has everyone gathered in the living room.

"Peter, what's the big surprise?" Lois asked Peter.

"Lois, you know how I always said you should be treated like a queen?" Peter questioned Lois, "Well, I you your own jester." After telling her, Peter claps his hands and summons Lois' "jester;" Jerry Seinfeld.

"Hey, guys. It's good to be here in New England." Jerry Seinfeld said as he walked out of the kitchen in a jester outfit, "And what's the deal with "New" England, anyway? It's over 200 years old! Last time I checked, that's not that new."

The next thing Peter spend with his welfare money was at the Quahog Institute of Cosmetic Surgery, with it's slogan, "Because you're no prize."

"Aw, this is great." Peter said, "I can finally afford to give my little girl the lips she's always dreamed of."

"Wonder what she's gonna look like?" Boy #1 asked.

Just then, Meg's cosmetic surgery is finished and she runs toward and hugs her father, thanking him for what he did for her.

"Thank you, daddy!" Meg giggled, then gave her father a big kiss on the cheek, leaving a kiss mark.

"I kinda liked her better before." Boy #2 said.

"I think he's right, Peter." Lois told Peter, "Lips are one thing, but did you have to buy breast implants for Chris?"

"Eh, it makes him happy." Peter replied.

Chris walks by with the implants in his hands. "Hey, these are cool." Chris said squishing them.

The next day, the boys were walking out of the house, only to find a stream of water upfront. They decide to ask Lois about it, who was busy gardening.

"When did we get a pool?" Boy #2 asked.

"Oh, it's a moat." Lois chuckled, "I know it's silly, but Mr. Griffin thinks the family needs extra protection now that we're, hehehe... Well, we're rich."

"Does it at least work?" Boy #1 asked.

"Well, it does keep the Black Knight at bay." Lois replied.

"Black Knight?" Boys #1 &amp; 2 questioned. He and Boy #1 then turned to the right to see the Black Knight trying to get across.

"Oh..." Boy #1 said.

"I was wondering who that was." Boy #2 claimed.

After letting out a deep sigh, Boy #1 then said, "Okay, this has gone long enough."

"Yeah, we... We just can't take it anymore." Boy #2 followed.

"What are you both talking about?" Lois asked them, concerned, "Is there something you want to tell me?"

"Look, we weren't suppossed to show you this, but we just feel it should come out." Boy #2 said to Lois.

"This is Mr. Griffin's welfare check..." Boy #1 said as he handed her over an envelope.

"What the-" The last word in Lois' exclamation was drowned out when a foghorn suddenly went off. She then gives an angry glare to the right. The kids were waterskying while Peter was driving the boat.

"Hiya, honey." Peter saluted to Lois, who only gave him the "look."

"What?" Peter asked.

In the living room, which was now decorated with fancy things, Peter was talking with Lois, who wasn't looking at him with her arms crossed. The boys and Brian were there with them.

"Lois, I know what I did was wrong, but I only did it for you and the kids." Peter told Lois, "Except for the jukesbox in the bathroom. That was a gift for Peter."

"Yeah, from the American taxpayers." Lois fumed, "I am so mad I can't see straight."

"Heh, no problem. We got the money to get that fixed..." Peter told Lois, "...with enough left for us to buy our way outta any trouble our kids might get into. Just like the Kennedys."

Lois only gave him a sign of rejection on her face.

"Hey, come on. These two were the ones who started it." Peter pointed at the boys.

"No, Peter. They were doing the right thing by telling me." Lois defended.

"You know, I-I feel like I don't even know you anymore, Peter." Lois then said to Peter, "The man I married would never think he could fix a problem just by spending money!" Afterwards, Lois then stormed off.

"Oh, boy! She's pretty pissed, huh?" Peter asked to the group.

"Yeah, who'd thought welfare fraud would be one of her buttons?" Brian sarcastically questioned.

"What's the point of having a jukesbox in the john if your wife's mad at ya." Peter asked the guys.

After his sentence, Boy #1 was struck by what Peter said. "What was that you said, Mr. Griffin?" He soon asked.

"'What's the point of having a jukesbox in the john if your wife's mad at ya?'" Peter repeated what he just said to the boy a few seconds ago.

"Alright. Now go back a bit." Boy #1 told Peter.

"'If your wife's mad at ya?'" Peter repeated again.

"Okay, before that." Boy #1 said.

"Having a jukesbox in the john-" Peter said.

"That's it! Now after 'having a jukesbox.'" Boy #1 instructed.

"'In the john?'" Peter said lastly.

"Now after 'In the.'" Boy #1 finally ended.

"'John?'" Peter finally said what Boy #1 wanted to hear.

"John... John. Wait. I'm starting to remember now." Boy #1 replied.

"Well, what is it?" Peter asked him.

"That's my name... John." Boy #1 said trying to remember, "Yeah, that's it!"

"Oh, my God!" Peter proclaimed in surprise, "You're named after a toilet?!"

No! My name is John." Boy #1 said, or John, for that matter, "And I think you're name's Tyler!" He was pinting toward Boy #2.

"Tyler?" Boy #2 replied to "John's" statement, "Hey, yeah, it's starting to come back to me now."

"Then that must be it. Our names are 'John' and 'Tyler!'" John said triumphantly as he and "Tyler" just got up and were then standing on the coffee table.

"...Is that it?" Brian then asked.

"Yeah." John replied to Brian's question, his tone lowered as he and Tyler sat back down on the couch, "For now, that is..."

"Oh, good." Peter then said to John, "For a second there, I thought your name really was from a toilet."

"Anyway, Peter, you may have to return that money to the taxpayers." Brian soon reminded Peter of the situation.

"Yeah, but I gotta make sure Lois knows I'm doing it." Peter said, "I-I need an event with thousands of people. Something that everybody cares about."

Peter was brainstorming for a few seconds and came up with a solution.

"We might have to leave Rhode Island for this one." Peter stated, implying it involves outside the state.

"Why?" Tyler asked.

It then shows a stadium hosting Super Bowl XXXIII.

"The air is electric here at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight!" Super Bowl XXXIII host John Maddon said, "Pat, I think it's safe to say that all these fans came out here to watch a game of football!"

"Uh, John, we're in commercial." Second Super Bowl XXXIII host Pat Summerall reminded his co-anchor.

"Yeah, I know. I'm just prepping up for when we're back on. And I'm just trying to make conversation." John Maddon told Pat Summerall, "Come on... Football!"

.Just then, a blimp reading "FORGIVE ME LOIS" is being flown above the stadium. In it's deck was Peter piloting the blimp, John, Tyler and Brian.

"Amazing, you can barely drive a car and yet you are allowed to fly a blimp?" Brian asked Peter.

"Yeah, America's great, isn't it?" Peter then replied, "Except for the South."  
Peter then pulled out a bag containing the rest of the welfare money. "Oh, boy, I hope Lois is watchin'." Peter said, then started to throw money out of the bag he was holding, "Okay, taxpayers, here you go!"

The dollar bills began to float swiftly to the stadium ground below, quickly grabbing everyone's attention.

"Looks like we're getting some rain here tonight, John." Pat Summerall said to John Maddon.

"Yeah." John Maddon replied, but soon realized, "Hey, wait a second! This is no ordinary rain! It's some kind of crazy money rain!"

"I'm being told it's a man, his two sons and their dog throwing cash out of a blimp." Pat Summerall informed.

The bag was now empty. "Oh, man, I hope this works." Peter worriedly said, "Otherwise, I'm gonna have to start droppin' these." He held up a spiked bomb which, like the blimp, read "FORGIVE ME LOIS."

"Mr. Griffin, don't drop that!" Tyler shouted.

"Why not?" Peter asked.

"Because that's a bomb!" Tyler answered.

"Whoa, this is a bomb!? I-I thought they were just some weird firecrackers!" Peter confessed after realizing what it what.

Meanwhile on the ground below, the crowds were storming the field for the money. Each person hoping to grab enough they can carry. They were even starting to fight over it.

"The crowd is storming the field!" John Maddon exclaimed, "This is pandemonium!"

"Have you ever seen anything like this, Pat?" John Maddon then asked his partner, but the latter didn't respond, "Pat?" He turned to find that Pat wasn't there, until the latter came back in after collecting himself some of the money on the field.

"Just once, John." Pat Summerall quickly replied, "The 1975 Cotton Bowl. This is the old 'trying to make amends for spending $150,000 a week in misappropriated welfare funds' play."

"I don't care what it is!" John Maddon shouted, "That guy's ruining a perfectly good game of football!"

"Madden to Fox security." John Maddon then said to the security guards below.

"Go ahead." One of the security guards said.

"Take them down!" John Maddon ordered.

"Yes, sir." The same security guard said.

He then takes out a gun hanging above a sign that read, "Just One Gun" and then fires only one shot. He tries to shoot more, but all that could be heard were clicking noises, implying that it only had one bullet.

"Really? That's it? Just one bullet?" The security guard holding the gun said.

"Huh, yeah. I thought there'd be more than that..." The security guard said.

"Well, I guess not." The latter then stated, "Hmm. Oh, well."

The quartet are then put in prison for the incident. Back in their cell, Brian was sitting on the lower bunk reading, while Tyler was sitting at the other end of the bunk and John was leaning beside it.

"Uh, how was your shower?" Brian asked Peter.

"Uh, I tell you, guys, all the rumors about dropping the soap are true." Peter confessed to the others.

"Really?" They all said in unison.

"Aw, yeah. You can't hold onto that thing to save your life." Peter explained revealing it was about soap instead, "Oh, it was slipping all over the place. Guys were laughing."

"Hey. There's the guy who couldn't hold onto the soap." One of the prison inmates said.

"Oh, that was classic." Another inmate replied. They both left laughing.

"Oh, boy, I really let Lois down this time." Peter down-spirited, "You think she'll wait for me?"

"Oh, come on. If every woman dumped her husband just for crashing a blimp into the Super Bowl, no one would be married." Brian told Peter.

"Yeah, you're right." Peter agreed, "Okay, I got the top bunk."

"Race ya to it!" John challenged Peter.

"Heh, you're on!" Peter replied.

John manages to get there first, Peter jumps up on it and causing the top bunk to collapse on top of both Brian and Tyler. John is then crushed underneath Peter.

Back at the Griffin house, the other members of the family are sitting at the kitchen table.

"Oh, my collagen is wearing off." Meg complained.

"Well, honey, sagging lips are just nature's way of telling you you shouldn't have covered for your father's lie." Lois then said to Meg.

"What does it mean when your armpits cry stinky tears?" Chris asked his mother.

"Oh, it means you're becoming a man." Lois answered Chris, "But, hopefully, not the kind who stays out all day and doesn't call. Like your father who shall remain nameless."

"Hello, mother." Stewie emerged.

"Well, hi there, sweetie." Lois said affectionately to Stewie.

"You know, mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get." Stewie speechly told his mother, "Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenades!" Stewie opens the box to reveal newly active grenades instead of chocolate, making it clear he was threatening her.

Lois, however like before, still didn't seem surprised and just gave a smile.

"Now, I offer you one last chance for deliverance." Stewie negotiated, "Return my mind-control device or be destroyed."

"Oho, you just want your toy back." Lois, again oblivious to what's really happening, assumed.

"Okay, here you go, honey." Lois said to Stewie as she placed his mind-control device on top of the box filled with the grenades.

"Yes, well... Victory is mine!" Stewie exclaimed in unexpected triumph. He then strolls away out of the kitchen. In the other room, the grenades then go off, unfortunately for Stewie. "AAHHH! DAMN YOU ALL!" Stewie yelled in pain.

The phone began to ring and Lois picked it up.

"Hello?" Lois answered, "Oh, my God!"

The family arrives at the courthouse where Peter is being put on trial for his welfare fraud. They sat down behind Peter, Brian, John and Tyler.

"Lois." Peter said, "Aw, man, am I glad to see you."

Lois was still mad at him. "I have nothing to say to you, Peter."

"Wha-I gave the money back. Why are you still steamed?" Peter asked.

"Peter, you lied to me, you betrayed her trust." Lois informed her husband, "Compare to that, welfare fraud doesn't even matter."

"Really?" Peter questioned, "Aw, let's hope the judge feels that way."

Lois just scoffs at Peter's remark.

"This court will now come to order." The judge announced as he banged his gabble.

"Well, you know, I figured the sooner I cashed the check, the sooner they'd, uh, cash their mistake." Peter explained to the court, "Look, why are we making a federal case out of this?"

"Mr. Griffin." The judge asked Peter, "Don't you think you should have alerted the government of such a gross overpayment?"

"Well, uh, I-I was gonna call them, But, uh... My-my favorite episode of _Diff'rent Strokes_ was on." Peter answered, "You know, the one where Arnold and Dudley get sexually molested by the guy who owns the bike shop?"

**Cutaway #14**

We go to a scene from the supposed episode of _Diff'rent Strokes_. Arnold and Dudley are in the bike shop, where the owner is slightly bent down right behind them.

"All right. Now I want you boys to scream real loud at my ass." The owner told the boys, just as Peter assumed.

**End**

We go back to the courtroom.

"And everybody learns a valuble lesson." Peter ended.

"Mr. Griffin, have you learned a lesson?" The judge questioned Peter.

"Aw, yeah. Stay the hell away from that bike shop." Peter chuckled to the judge, who gave hm an unapproved look instead.

Peter realized that it was finally time to come clean. "Look, uh, everybody, I feel really bad about what I did. I-I just..." Peter admitted, "I don't know. I just saw the one chance I'd have to give my family the things they deserve."

"I guessed I screwed it all up. I cheated the government. And worst of all, I lied to my wife." Peter continued in guilt, "And she deserves better. I'm sorry, honey."

Everyone in the room was touched by Peter's confession, even the judge.

"Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all..." The judge said softly to Peter, but was soon interrupted.

"Wait!" John said from the table he, Tyler and Brian were sitting at, "It wasn't Mr. Griffin who did it."

"Then who did?" The judge then asked John.

"It was... It was me." John confessed.

Everyone, including the Griffins, gasped in shock.

"He's right and it was me, too. It was our idea in the first place." Tyler then joined John, "But it wasn't on purpose."

"That's right." John soon said, "We were just wanting to help him out with what was going on."

"So, if you want to throw someone in prison, take us instead." Tyler willingly said, "We should be the ones on trial..."

"Is this true?" The judge asked.

John and Tyler both nodded.

"Alright, then." The judge accepted, "Because I'm sentencing you both to 24 months in prison." The judge then banged his gabble, confirming their punishment.

The Griffins, especially Peter, were stunned by the news.

"Oh, no!" Peter exclaimed in fear of what was happening, then was followed by Lois, followed by Brian, followed by Chris and then finally followed Meg. Just after they said that, the Kool-Aid Man bursts through the wall, screaming "Oh, yeah!" Everyone, however, only looked at him in surprise and confusion. The Kool-Aid Man realizes that he cam at a bad time and stepped back out through the giant hole he had made in the wall.

"Hey, aren't you the Kool-Aid Man?" Tyler asked as the Kool-Aid Man was stepping out of the courthouse, "Never mind..."

"Excuse me. Y-your Honor?" Lois said to the judge.

"Yes?" The Judge replied.

"Look, these two may have been the one responsible for all this." Lois explained to the judge, "But they're amnesiac and don't really remember much about who they were. And I know they only wanted to help the people who helped take them in after they had no where else to go, especially if it meant convincing my husband to accept that check, who wanted to be a good husband and father. But what they both need to know is that we've grown to love them. And that no matter what, I'll always stand by them now."

"Yeah, I kinda like them, too, honey." Peter said to Lois.

"Thanks, Mrs. Griffin." John also said to Lois.

"That was very moving, Mrs. Griffin." The judge said of Lois' speech, "Okay, you and your husband can go to jail with them!"

"What?!" Peter, Lois, John and Tyler all said in unison.

"24 months in prisons, eh? Unacceptible!" Stewie said to himself from in the row behind Lois, "Intolerable as it may be I'm completely dependent upon those wretched drones for sustenance."

"Let us see how the iron constitution of American justice fares against the device!" Stewie challenged as he pulled out his new mind-control device and pointed it at the judge.

The judge notices Stewie and gazes at him as the device pulsates repeatedly for a few seconds until finally.

"Is that your boy?" The judge asked Peter about Stewie.

"What?" Peter said confused, "Oh, yeah. That's Stewie." Peter answered the judge.

"Gohs. I can't seperate a kid that young from his father and brothers." The judge then thought, "It's unjudgmenly. Oh, hell, you three've learned your lessons, right?"

"Yeah." Peter, John and Tyler agreed.

"All right. You're both off the hook." The judge informed them.

"Aw, wow!" Peter exclaimed in excitement, "Can you give me my job back?"

"No." The judge coldly replied.

Stewie pulls out the device at the judge again.

"Yes." The judge soon quickly said.

"All right!" Peter said satisfied.

John and Tyler then walked up to Stewie and were giving him each a big grin on their faces.

"What the deuce are you two looking at?" Stewie demanded to them.

"We know what you did, kid." Tyler said to Stewie.

"The devil are you talking about?" Stewie said.

"Come on." John said, "You did what you did because you're starting to like us, aren't you?"

"Don't be ridiculous." Stewie brushed them off as he walked off.

"He likes us." John said to Tyler.

"I DO NOT!" Stewie shouted from the background.

The next day, everything was to the way it was before. The Griffins were in the living room watching _TV's Bloopers and Practical Jokes_.

"That was a crazy one, Dick." chuckled.

"It sure was." Dick said, "In this next blooper from _Joanie Loves Chachi_, watch what happens when Scott Baio tries to say: 'She sells seashells down by the seashore.'"

They then show a clip from _Joanie Loves Chachi_.

"What does your mom do for a living?" The woman said lying on the couch.

"Ah, she sells seashells down by..." Scott Baio almost said until a bear suddenly bursted through the wall, getting his attention.

We cut back to the Griffins on the couch.

"Heh. That is kind of a tongue twister." Peter remarked at what he saw.

"Hey, Mrs. Griffin, thanks again for what you did for me and Tyler at the trial the other day." John told Lois, "So, you still think me and Tyler should stay a little while longer?"

"Oh, you're welcome, John." Lois replied, "And it's the least we can do for what you both did for us."

"It's also good to have you home, too, Peter."

"Ah, honey, I knew everything would turn out okay." Peter said to Lois, "And besides, I think I'm starting to like those two, too."

"I sure am gonna miss being rich." Meg said glumly.

"Not me." Tyler replied, "Money does terrible things to people." Everbody agreed after Tyler said that.

Everyone then agreed with Tyler.

"Aw, don't worry." Peter consoled Meg and told everyone, "I got a way to get money."

"Not another welfare scam." Brian said as he hoped Peter wouldn't make the same mistake twice.

"No, no, no." Peter claimed, "Minority scholarship." Peter giggled as he put on an afro wig with a headband.

Peter then winks at the audience as he gives a thumbs-up at his next misadventure. Everyone else disagreed, while Meg gave an annoyed look.

"Okay, I mean, uh-uh-uh-uh, sexual harrasment suite." Peter nervously giggled again as he put on a blonde wig and ripped his shirt open revealing his torso.

Again, everyone disagreed, but Meg now gave a disgusted look.

"Nuh-uh-uh, disabilty claim." Peter proclaimed as he pulled out a bat and knocked himself out. Everyone then stares at a now unconscience Peter.

"I'm starting to like you guys." Tyler said to John.

"Me, too. Me, too." John said.

**The End**


	2. I Never Met the Dead Man

(Disclaimer: I not own Family, only John and Tyler.)

**Chapter 2: I Never Met the Dead Man**

It was another peaceful day in Spooner Street. Inside the Griffins' house, Lois was just putting clean dishes back up in the cabinet and Meg was at the table reading a magazine. After she put away the last dish, Lois went to the window and saw what appeared to be Stewie playing outside.

"Oohhh, look at Stewie." Lois said as John entered the kitchen, "Isn't he adorable playing with his _Sesame Street_ phone?"

"Sure" John remarked.

"Yeah, let's go with that." Tyler followed.

Outside, Stewie was at his ambitions of world domination as usual. This time, he was attempting to use his _Sesame Street_ phone in hopes of getting into the Pentagon's system, but to little success.

"Put me through to the Pentagon." Stewie ordered.

"You know what sound a cow makes?" The toy phone played a recorded line of Ernie to Stewie.

"Don't toy with me, Ernie!" Stewie yelled, "I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper. I've got six armed men stationed outside Big Bird's nest. And as for Linda? Well, it's rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach now, isn't it?"

"Can you count to three?" The toy phone played another recording.

"Ho-oh, indeed I can." Stewie challenged, then dropped the phone, then pulled out a Phazer from _Star Trek_ and blasted it, "One! Two! Three!"

Soon, the phone was in flames from the shots fired.

"Can I count to three?" Stewie teased, "For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a fifth-grade level."

**Opening Credits**

(A/N: Just so y'all know, the opening theme will be featured here as well.)

_It seems today that ya see_

_Is violence in movies and sex on TV_

_But where are those good, old-fashioned values?_

_On which we used to rely_

They then change to gold leotards

_Lucky there's a Family Guy!_

_Lucky there's a man who positively can do_

_All the things that makes us_

_Laugh 'n Cry!_

_He's_

_A_

_Fam-_

_-ily_

_Guy!_

**End**

Back in the kitchen, Lois was trying to get Stewie to finish his broccoli.

"Come on, Stewie." Lois instructed Stewie, "You can't leave the table until you finish your vegetables."

"Well, then I shall sit here until one of us expires." Stewie smartmouthed, "And you've got a good 40 years on me, woman!"

"Sweetie, it's broccoli." Lois sweettalked to Stewie, "It's good for you. Now open up for the airplane."

Lois pretended to be a plane hoping Stewie would open his mouth. Then Tyler suddenly appeared and started acting like a World War II veteran.

"Look out, Mrs. Griffin!" Tyler warned Lois, "Incoming enemy fighter pilots!"

"What?" Lois exclaimed.

Tyler then pulled out an MP40 machine gun and began firing at the broccoli.

"Tyler..." Lois tried to talk to Tyler.

"Must not forget objective!" Tyler shouted.

"Tyler!" Lois yelled.

"Fighters must be neutralized!" Tyler continued.

"TYLER!" Lois screamed.

The ammo in Tyler's gun finally ran out and Tyler's attention then turned to Lois.

"What?" Tyler asked Lois, "Why are you shouting?"

"Never mind." Lois calming down for a minute, then turned back to Stewie, "Alright, Stewie. Back to your brocolli."

"Never!" Stewie resisted, "Damn the brocolli! Damn you! Damn your henchman's nonsense! And damn the Wright Brothers!" He then stated as he knocked the fork off Lois' hand.

"My, aren't we fussy tonight." Lois remarked, "Okay, no brocolli." She picked the fork back up.

"Very well then. I..." Stewie said but was cut off by Lois shoving the brocolli in his mouth. Stewie spat it out, "Who the hell do you think you are?"

"They're attacking from above!" Tyler came bursting back in. This time with an active grenade in his hand.

"Okay, Tyler, why don't watch TV with John and everyone else?" Lois suggested.

"Okay." Tyler asnwered quickly calmed down as he walked out of the kitchen. He, however, realizes he's still holding the grenade in his hand.

"Uh-oh." Tyler gulped.

Soon afterwards, an explosion came from the other room.

"Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it." Lois explained to Stewie.

"Well, then." Stewie remarked at Lois' statement, "My goal becomes clear. The brocolli must die." Stewie snared at the brocolli he had in his fork, but soon, Tyler comes right back in.

"I'll help, Lord Castro!" Tyler said to Stewie, dressed as a Cuban soldier.

"Get out!" Stewie ordered Tyler, "We've already had enough of your damn shenanigans for now!"

Tyler shrugged his head in disappointment and slowly walked out.

Lois walks into the living room, where the family is watching TV.

"Mom, will you take me out to practice driving?" Meg asked her mom.

"I'm teaching a piano lesson in half an hour." Lois told her, "Maybe your father can take you."

"Aw, sorry, Meg." Peter disappointedly said, "Daddy loves you. But daddy also loves _Star Trek_. And, in all fairness, _Star Trek_ was here first."

"You have an excuse for everything, Mr. Griffin." Tyler snickered.

"Plus, I'm helping John and Tyler find shows they might remember." Peter then pointed out, "So far, we found _Lost in Space_, _Twilight Zone_ and, uhh, oh, and _Hogan's Heroes_."

"Tyler was the one who remembered them." John complained, "I hadn't found one."

"Hey, quiet. _Star Trek_'s back on." Peter shussed John.

On the TV was the S.S. Enterprise cruising through space.

"Captain's Log. Stardate 8169.7." Captain Kirk narrated.

Then goes to the control room.

"The Enterprise has just discovered a stange new planet... In the Gamma Faloppia star system." Captain Kirk announced as he then performed unnecessary poses while talking, "Mr. Sulu, ahead warp 9."

Kirk was then in a pose having his legs spread while having his arms wrapped under his knees. Just then, his pants rip, revealing the words, "Captain's Log" on his underwear.

Cuts back to the couch.

"For God's sake, Peter." Lois exclaimed, "You've been havin' John and Tyler sittin' in front of the TV with you since you got home from work."

"Why don't you help them another way, and, maybe, spend some time with your family?" Lois said to Peter as she sat on the chair of the couch next to him.

"He had." John stated.

"By watching TV?" Lois questioned.

"Actually, I am getting kind of bored." Tyler then exclaimed.

"I will." Peter affirmed to Lois, "I'm-I'm just gonna do it during the commercials. And if that's wrong, well, then-then maybe I'm missin' the point of watchin' commercials." Lois sighed.

"Please, dad?" Meg begged Peter, "My road test is tomorrow and you haven't taught me anything."

"Meg, you, uh, you might want to find a better teacher than Peter." Brian informed Meg.

"What are you talkin' about?" Peter questioned, "I'm a great driver."

Brian scoffs and asks Peter, "Remember your trip to the Southwest?"

"What happened?" Tyler asked.

**Cutaway #1**

In a desert, the Road Runner was zooming down a road and then quickly halted at another one. He's then runover by Peter's car.

"Aw, jeez." Peter said worried, "Did I just hit that ostrich?"

In the passenger's side was the Coyote who held up a sign that said "No."

"Are you sure?" Peter asked.

The Coyote then turned the sign to the other side, which then read "Yeah, he's fine. Keep goin'."

**End**

"Guys, don't believe what they're sayin'." Peter assured to Meg, John and Tyler, "I always keep my eyes on the road. I don't miss a thing."

"Really?" John and Tyler said in unison.

"We now return to _Star Trek_." The announcer on the TV said.

"Holy crap." Peter exclaimed, "Uhura's black?"

Just then after, Peter was teaching Meg how to drive.

"All right, Meg. Now here's your first lesson." Peter told his daughter, "Now you always wanna be aware of other cars on the road. If you ever catch eyes with the guy next to you at a red light, you gotta race."

After he said that, an Amish man riding a horse-pulled wagon stopped next to them. He gives Meg a friendly nod.

"Ah, this guy's asking for it." Peter said, mistaking the man of challenging Meg.

"But dad..." Meg said.

"I don't make the rules, honey." Peter affirmed Meg, "Now rev your engine twice."

"Okay." Meg replied. She did as Peter told her, then looked back and glared at the Amish man on the wagon, who accepted her "challenge."

"Go!" Peter instructed Meg as the light went green. And they went off. Not long, the wheel on the left of the wagon then screwed itself out, causing the man to lose control and jump off. The wagon then rolled off a nearby cliff and explodes upon inpact with the ground. And for some reason, the horse that was pulling it also blew up.

"Well, you forgot to flip him off. But, uh, other than that, nice job." Peter informed to Meg, who soon smiled in relief.

Peter and Meg then return to the house through the patio door. Lois, Tyler and Brian were in the living room all reading.

"You're back already?" Lois said while she was reading.

"That was fast." Tyler exclaimed.

"Yes, that wasn't much of a lesson." Lois remarked.

"I didn't want to overload her on her first time out, you know." Peter stated, "Besides _CHiPS_ is about to start. So let's sit back and get lost in a world of California Highway Patrol fantasy."

On the show, Ponch was pulling over a beautiful, blonde woman in a red sportscar.

"What's the charge, officer?" The woman said.

"Driving without my phone number." Ponch told her as he took off his shades.

Just then, a truck with "Pure, uncut cocaine" written on the side and two people performing a drive-in shootout drive right past Ponch.

"Or maybe I should arrest you for being too beautiful." Ponch flirted again to the woman and gave her a teeth-sparkling smile.

Meanwhile in Stewie's room, Stewie was negotiating with a piece of brocolli on his table.

"So, brocolli, mother says you're very good for me. Well, I'm afraid I'm no good for you!" Stewie pointed to the vegetable, "The first rule of war is know thine enemy and I know this!" Stewie looked into a book about farming, then showed the brocolli, "Cold kills brocolli! It's so simple!"

"All I have to do is build a machine to control the global environment." Stewie explained his latest diabolical scheme, "Forecast for tomorrow, a few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom!"

The next day, at the Rhode Island Department of Motor Vehicles, Peter, Meg and John were waiting in line, which wasn't that short.

"Aww, man!" John complained, "This is gonna take forever!"

"Yeah, John's right, Meg. Let's go." Peter said, "Fox is running one of those new reality shows at 8:00."

"What's it called?" John asked.

"_Fast Animals, Slow Children_." Peter answered.

On the show, a tiger was charging at accerating speed. Then, it showed an overweight kid trying catch up to his friends.

"Come on, guys." The boy hollered, "Wait up."

The charging tiger was again shown.

Back to the boy, his lunchbox suddenly opens and spills his lunch, including honey which gets spreaded on his knees.

"Oh, dang." Th boy exclaimed, "I got honey all over my legs."

Back to the tiger, it seemed like it was starting to closer.

Cuts back to the DMV.

"Dad, we can't leave now." Meg said, "My entire life depends on getting my license."

"Why does it have to mean your entire life depends on it?" John questioned Meg.

"It means if I can't drive, I'll never have any boyfriends, I'll never get married and then I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell." Meg sulked.

Peter and John just look at her. "Meg, are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive?" Peter asked Meg out of offense.

"I don't think that was the point, Mr. Griffin." John replied.

Meg was finally about to take her driving test.

"I'm so nervous." Meg admitted.

"Oh, you're gonna do great." Peter confidently told her, "Just remember everything I taught ya."

"Or just remember everything you just said awhile ago. Hahahaha!" John smugly teased.

"Oh, go stick a fork in it, pervert." Meg talked back.

"QUIT CALLING ME THAT!" John shouted.

Meg then began her driving test, beginning at a red light.

"All right. Let's start by going down Main Street." The driving instructor instructed Meg.

"Okay." Meg nervously replied.

A police car then stops right next to them. Meg looks over to the officer and he nods friendly. Learning from her father, of course, Meg mistakes it for another race. She revves twice like before and as soon as the light becomes green, she floors it outta there. The policeman soon turns his siren on and gives chase

"What are you doing?!" The instructor screamed.

"I'm driving." Meg scoffs, "Duh."

The police car then pulls itself in the way and Meg quickly hits the brakes.

"Are you gonna mark me down for not flipping him off?" Meg asked the instructor about her results.

Meg unfortunately fails the test as she takes it not so well.

"Oh, God, my life is over." Meg sulked, "I am the biggest loser I know!"

"Hey, will you relax?" John pointed, "It was just one stupid test. One failed test isn't the end of the world."

"Oh, I know just how you feel, pumpkin." Peter said patting on her shoulder, "I've had my share of disappointments, too."

**Cutaway #2**

At a hospital, a doctor held up a baby girl looking almost like Meg.

"It's a girl!" The doctor announced.

It then showed Peter holding a bunch of sports related material.

"C-can you... Can you check again?" Peter stuttered.

**End**

"Look, honey, you just have to remember that life has its little ups and... Oh, jeez!" Peter said, taking a look at his watch, "We're gonna miss the beginning of my show."

Peter looked out the windows on both sides. "Hey, there it is." Peter said as he found the program playing on a TV at one of the house he was driving by.

"Dad, watch out!" Meg shouted as they were about to collide with a delivery truck.

Peter shifts out of the way in time but accidentally looses control and crashes into a satellite dish. Then all the TVs in the neighborhood get cut by static, including the Griffins'.

"What the?! Awww!" Tyler exclaimed back at the house in disappointment, "I'm missing _Gilligan's Island_."

Peter, Meg and John get out of the car without a scratch.

"Ah, are you two okay?" Peter asked John and Meg.

"Yeah, I think so..." Meg replied.

"Same here." John followed.

Just as they walk away from their seats, the airbags then activate. The three then look at the sign that was on the locked gate.

"The Quahog Cable Television Transmitter." Peter said as he read the sign that was on the locked gate. He, Meg and John look up at the TV receiver, then to each other. "...Uh-oh..." Peter remarked. The townspeople then came to the scene very angrily.

"Hey!" An irritated citizen yelled at Peter, "You just knocked out cable TV for the whole town!"

"Oh, boy!" Peter said under his breath as the mob was getting closer to him, Meg and John, "Uh, look, there's Bigfoot!"

"Where?!" The townpeople proclaimed.

As they all look to where Peter pointed, Bigfoot was right there. "Whoa. Whoa. Whoa." Bigfoot replied, "This isn't about me. This is about you."

They all then turned their attention angrily back to Peter, John and Meg.

"Oh, well." Peter said, "At least I bought us some time."

The angry mob continued to get closer and closer, until.

"Uh, uh, uh, she did it!" Peter said pointing to Meg.

"What?!" Meg exclaimed in surprise, "Dad, you were the one driving-" Peter put his hand over her mouth to keep her from turning the mob on him.

"I-I was teaching her to drive and, uh, she lost control..." Peter lied but was cut by John suddenly.

"Wait, actually, it wasn't her." John claimed, "It was, it was me! I did it!"

"You did?" Peter remarked but soon then lied, "Oh-oh, yeah, you did!"

"Huh?" Meg said confused, "But John..."

"No, really. I did it." John continued lying, "I was at the wheel and then had my eyes off the road for a second and then WHAM! Right into the cable transmitter. Right, Mr. Griffin?" John gave a wink at Peter.

"Oh! Uh, right. Sorry, I got my daughter confused with him. Ha, silly me." Peter lied, "Come on, you guys, we all did stupid stuff when we were kids, right? I remember this one time I tried to sneak into an R-rated movie."

**Cutaway #3**

A young Peter was at a movie theater, trying to sneak into one of the screen rooms. His disguise: a bush. Interestingly, no one noticed.

**End**

"Oh. come on. Give the kid a break, huh?" Peter said.

"Why should we?" One of them asked.

"Well, he..." Peter stopped to think of a good excuse, "He got his arm shot off in Vietnam."

The mob then murmured in guilt.

"Poor kid." One of the townsfolk said.

"Yeah, what a senseless war." Another said.

Peter, Meg and John were back in the car heading back to the house.

"I can't believe you just sold out a perverted boy with amnesia." Meg said outraged at what Peter did, then turned to John.

"Hey, excuuuuse me, princess!" John said back at Meg.

"Don't you dare call me that." Meg warned John, "Only my dad can call me that."

"That's right." Peter joined Meg's statement, "Only I can call my baby girl 'princess.' Got that?" Peter gave John a stern look at him, then went back to Meg.

"Oh, Meg, honey, I know what I did was wrong." Peter afformed Meg, "And I know this isn't the first time I've embarrassed ya."

**Cutaway #4**

Meg was in class listening to and taking notes from the teacher.

"And if you add the measure of the angles of a right triangle, the sum-" The teacher told the students when he was cut off by a towel-clad Peter barging in.

"Hey, Meg, you mind cleanin' out the shower next time you shave your legs?" Peter informed Meg, "It's like a carpet in there."

Meg's mouth then hanged wide open after seeing her father.

**End**

John was laughing in the backseat after hearing Peter's story. Peter, in Meg's defense, then suddenly stops the car, flinging and slamming John's head on the mantle board. John got his head up and started rubbed his head up and down slowly.

"Aw, I hate to see ya so upset." Peter lamented about Meg's mood, "Hehehey, I know. Let's play a little game called 'Taking the Fall for Daddy.' If you John take the fall, I'll buy you a convertible when you get your license." Meg's mood was soon lifted by Peter's offer, while John thought otherwise.

"What?!" John exclaimed.

"Really?" Meg asked excited, "Oh, daddy! Now I love you again!"

"Aw, you're gonna make some Jewish guy a great wife," Peter remarked.

"H-hey, wait a minute!" John tried to speak out, "Don't I get a say in this?"

"No." Peter said bluntly to John.

John groaned in irritation as he falls back in his seat with his arms crossed. Behind the car, the satellite from the receiver is being dragged by barbed wire tangled on the lower part of the car.

At the Channel 5 News studio, the cable there was also out.

"Because of an accident today at the Quahog Cable Company, all television transmission will be out for an undetermined amount of time." Tom announced realizing that now's the perfect chance to finally say anything freely, "'Course, no one can see this news program, so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. Think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you, Diane?"

"Well, Tom, I just plain don't like black people." Diane said smugly.

Tom and Diane then laugh it off since they believe no one can hear them.

"You guys." One of the cameramen said to them, "We're still on in Boston."

Tome and Diane's eyes become widened in horror at the cameraman's statement.

Back at the house, night had already fallen. Inside Stewie's room was Stewie adjusting his latest creation.

"Excellent." Stewie acknowledged in success, "The weather machine is nearly completed."

What do you say to that, brocolli?" Stewie told the brocolli on the little orange table, which doesn't give out any reply.

"Stop mocking me!" Stewie shouted at it in annoyance. Soon, he hears scratching of metal coming from outside his window. "What this?" Stewie questioned as he looked out the window. Peter was just pulling up the curve with the satellite dish still tangled behind.

"It appears the witless provider has finally brought me something of value." Stewie acknowledged at his discovery, "I can use that crude device to amplify my deadly signal. Victory shall yet be mine."

Lois, Tyler and Brian were at the table minding their own business. Lois was taking a sip of coffee when Peter, John and Meg walk in.

"Guess what, mom?" Meg asked Lois, "Dad crashed the car into the city cable transmitter."

"What?!" Lois exclaimed in shock.

"Oh, it's okay." Meg informed Lois, "John took the blame dad put me on and if he and I don't say anything about it, dad's gonna but me a convertible when I get my license."

"Uh, M-Meg, it's not exactly letting someone else taking the blame if you go around tellin' everyone." Peter informed her.

"Yeah, that way, you'll lose your precious convertible in no time." John laughed. Meg then punched him in the stomach as she and John walked out.

"Peter!" Lois asked Peter outraged, "You're bribing your own daughter with a car?"

"And blaming possibly my only friend?" Tyler joined in.

"Come on, you guys." Peter said sweet talkingly to both Lois and Tyler, "Isn't 'bribe' just another word for love and lending a helping hand?" Lois and Tyler both gave in a stern look.

"Look, y-y-you wanted me and Meg to bond and help John remember more and that's what we're doing." Peter reminded Lois of what she told him before, "Plus, John was the one who volunteered to take the bullet for Meg."

"Really?" Lois said astounded at what she heard.

"Ah, yeah, he said he was just doing it just 'cause he wanted to just be friends with her." Peter finished.

"My, what a sweet thing of him to do for our own Meg." Lois said seemingly interested at what was going on, then chuckled in intrigue.

Peter, unsure of what she meant, then asks her in fatherly concern for Meg, "Lois, are you implying that there's something going on with my daughter and that boy?"

"Well, it's a possibility." Lois teased.

"Hold on." Tyler stepped in, "That doesn't sound like J-Man at all."

"Yeah, exact..." Peter agreed, but soon stopped after hearing the last thing Tyler said, "Wait, 'J-Man?'"

"Oh, that's just a little nickname he gave for John." Lois informed Peter, "He also remembered that while you guys were gone, so, I guess we're making progress so far."

"Oh." Peter replied, Well, okay, I guess I won't mind 'J-Man.'"

"Tyler, I was in a chatroom on _America Online_ while you were gone." Chris told Tyler as he walked in, "And Doomie22 told me some idiot knocked out the cable."

"WHAT?!" Tyler panicked.

Stewie was busy sneaking away the satellite dish in the background whilst Tyler and Chris were talking.

"That's right." Chris replied, "We could be without TV for weeks!"

"Now, now, guys, now let's not panic." Peter reasoned with them, "We can manage just fine without TV."

"Yeah, now that I think about it, I also started to remember that I like to read, too." Tyler proclaimed.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, reading?" Peter questioned, "Geez, now we know that you're a bookworm."

Tyler gave a frustrated groan.

"Anyway, we''l be fine without TV." Peter stated.

Brian gives a scoff at Peter's statement.

"Now, what's that supposed to mean?" Peter asked seemingly offended.

"Face it, Peter, you're addicted to television." Brian pointed out, "And you're not exactly Mr. Cold Turkey. Remember when you tried to give up candy?"

**Cutaway #5**

The gag shows Willy Wonka in one of the labs of his factory talking to someone offscreen, possibly Peter.

"I'll ask you one more time." Willy informed, "Are you sure you didn't eat anything in my factory?"

Then it shows the person to be Peter, now ending up like how Violet Beauregarde did in the movie.

"No." Peter replied hesitantly.

"I'm just asking-" Willy was cut off by Peter.

"What? You callin' me a liar?" Peter questioned defensively.

"No, I'm just saying." Willy responded.

"Hey, shut up, Wonka!" Peter talked back.

**End**

Yeah, well, that was different." Peter assured Brian, "I'll be fine."

"Are you sure, honey?" Lois asked.

"Oh, for God's sake, you guys." Peter responded, "You think I'm some simp who can't live without TV? Come on, gimme a break."

Then it showed Peter nervously rubbing his thigh up and down as he was on the phone with someone.

"All right, Mike, wht's happening now?" Peter asked the person on the other end of the line.

"Well, Sipowicz is trying to find out who stabbed the super." Mike replied.

On the TV, Sipowicz was talking to a suspect.

"Are you gonna tell me what I wanna know, or am I gonna have to show you my ass?" Sipowicz told the suspect.

"I ain't sayin' nothin'!" The suspect talked out.

Sipowicz then pulls his pants down.

"All right! It was Jimmy the Hat!" The suspect quickly admitted.

Cuts back to Peter at the couch.

"Aw, forget it, Mike." Peter said giving up, "Without actually seeing his ass, this is just radio."

The next day, at James Woods Regional High School.

"Well, class, we were scheduled to watch a PBS program on the mating rituals of the nude large-breasted Weewok tribe of New Guinea." The teacher disappointedly announced, "Unfortunately, this 'John' hooligan ruined TV. So instead, we're having a surprise test."

The class got mad and upset at hearing this.

"Man, I hate that John jerk right now." Said one of the students.

"Yeah, he's totally uncool." Said another.

"Whoa! Suddenly John was public enemy number one." The narrator from _Wonder Years_ then came in and said, "It was time to tell them the truth in order to help my friend."

"Wait!" Meg exclaimed, "John didn't drive into the satellite dish!"

"Oh?" The teacher said, "And who did?"

"I was just a 15-year-old girl." The _Wonder Years _narrator came back, "But at that momnet, I realized I had a whole lifetime to make other new friends, but only one chance to get a new car. But I had to still help him out anyway."

"Please don't be too hard on John, you guys." Meg said softly.

"And why should we?" The teacher questioned her again.

"Because he's living at my house and has know where else to go... Oops!" Meg yiped.

"Well, now we know who to throw stuff at." One of the students remarked.

They threw crumbled-up paper at her and one of the kids threw a Scotch bottle at her but missed.

At a bar, Peter was lamenting about his problems.

"Geez, guys, I don't know how much longer I can last." Peter said as he stared at static on the TV, "It's been a whole week since I've seen a TV show. Huh. Wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to right now."

The scene then turns to a Scooby Doo-escue show.

"We now return to _The Scooby Doo Murder Files_." The announcer said.

It then cut to a scene of that show where the group is at a swamp environment, investigating the scene of the crime.

"Gee whiz, gang." Fred proclaimed to the others, "Looks like the killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines and then dumped the body in the river!" Velma nodded and said, "Jinkies! What a mystery!"

Scooby got spooked from hearing all that and clinged onto Shaggy.

"You're right, Scoob." Fred told Scooby, "We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch."

Cuts back to the bar.

"Well, you just need to find something to fill the void that's left in your life." Brian insisted, "Lois has her knitting, Chris has his video games..." Hearing that just now had John widen his eyes in realization like before, "...Meg's learning how to drive, Tyler here's just remembered his fondness for reading." Brian continued.

"Well, what about you?" Tyler asked Brian.

"Me? Well, I like the sauce." Brian replied as he took a sip of his martini.

"Hey, Brian." John asked Brian, "What was that just now?"

"What do you mean?" Brian changed the question, "Are you starting to remember something about yourself?"

"I think so..." John remarked, "Quick, uh, tell me what everyone else was doing again."

"Well, let's see, uh..." Brian replied as he counted everyone's hobbies, "Lois has knitting."

"Mm-hmm." John replied.

"Chris plays video games-"

"Video games!" John quickly responded, "Yeah, I think I'm getting it now."

"Well, congraduations." Brian congraduated John on getting more of his memory back. "Good luck on your video game thing." Brian then took another sip.

"Hey, bar keep!" Brain yelled to the bartender, "Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?"

In the middle of the night, both Peter and John were struggling with their own problems. Peter was having a bad nightmare about no TV.

"C-cant live without TV." Peter muttered in his sleep, "Must... Must see TV."

"I gotta know." John muttered also in his sleep, "What is it about video games that makes me think?"

They both have dreams related to both attachments. In both of their dreams, it was a reimagining of a scene from _The Wizard of Oz_. Peter/John wakes up and goes over to the window to see what's going on. As he takes a look, ALF (Peter)/Mario (John) was among the debris in the cyclone, sitting in a rocking chair and waved to Peter/John. The next thing to come to the window was Gilligan from _Gilligan's Island_ and the robot from _Lost in Space _(Peter)/Banjo and Kazooie from _BANjO-KAZOOiE_ and Crash from the _Crash Bandicoot _series, who also waved at Peter/John. Last was Jeanie from _I Dream of Jeanie_/the female genie from _Shanta_ riding on a bicycle. She then turns into Samantha from _Bewitched_/Gruntilda from _BANjO-KAZOOiE_. The house then falls back down to the ground, waking both Peter and John up from their dreams. In his room, Peter turns on the TV in hopes that cable had come back, but only to find static, leaving Peter with a sigh of disappointment. Downstairs, John decides to try a game on a Nintendo 64, but for how long?

The next morning, Lois was in the kitchen with Stewie, Brian and Tyler, washing the dishes.

"Stewie." Lois informed Stewie, "I expect you to finish off your vegetables."

"Oh, rest assured, you relentless harridan." Stewie responded, "I expect I shall finish them all off! And you as well!"

"Tyler, that reminds me." Lois spoke to Tyler, "Can I talk with you about your friend, John?"

"What is it?" Tyler replied.

"I'm a little worried for him." Lois informed Tyler as she sat down at the table with him and Brian, "The same goes for Peter."

"Last night I woke up and Peter was channel surfing through static." Lois continued, "And then when I went to go to the bathroom, I found John downstairs in the living room trying to get a game on his Nintendo 64 to work."

"Aw, you worry too much." Tyler assured Lois, "I'm sure eventually they'll bounce it off."

"Yeah, I'm sure they'll find a way to cope." Brian agreed.

Peter and John then enter the room both wearing harnesses that hold up cardboard TV screens, though John's also had a cardboard game system on the bottom while he was holding a cardboard controller.

"Mornin', Lois." Peter greeted Lois.

Brian scoffs, "And you were worried."

"Peter, what the hell are those?" Lois asked Peter.

"It's my favorite TV family, the Griffins." Peter answered.

"And it's my favorite video game team, also the Griffins." John said.

"Peter, you and John are scaring me." Lois told Peter worriedly.

"Yeah, J-Man, Mrs. Griffin's right." Tyler joined in, "She and now me are beginning to think you and Mr. Griffin are losing your grips on reality."

"Boring." Peter exclaimed in boredom, "I'm gonna go see what else is on."

"Same here." John said as he followed Peter out the screen door.

"Peter! John!" Lois shouted to the two, "Keep an eye on Stewie."

Lois ran after Peter and John. Tyler and Brian were alone with Stewie.

"Don't move!" Tyler told Stewie.

Stewie then began to make silly faces at them. After a few seconds of it, Brian shoves Stewie down the floor.

"A little help?" Stewie asked.

Tyler reaches his hand to Stewie.

"Not you." Stewie rejected at Tyler, who pulls his hand back with his spirit down.

Outside the house, Peter and John were strolling by while looking through their cardboard TVs. They turn to Quagmire leaving his house in a pilot's uniform.

"Who's that, Mr. Griffin?" John asked Peter.

"Well, that's Glenn Quagmire, the wacky next-door neighbor." Peter replied as Quagmire soon noticed them awkwardly, then grabbing the handle of his bag. "What's he up to this time?"

"I'm goin' to work!" Quagmire responded to Peter's remark, "Hey, Peter, who's that with you?"

"Oh, him?" Peter asked as he turned to John, "He's one of the amnesia boys who's livin' in my house that I've told you about. Remember?"

"Oh, so you're the new kid." Quagmire remarked, "Nice to meet ya, I'm Glenn Quagmire. But you can call me Quagmire."

"Nice to meet you, too." John replied, "Name's John, by the way."

"All right, see you guys later." Quagmire said as he left.

"Hehehehe, him and his get-rich-quick schemes." Peter remarked.

Meanwhile, Lois was driving through the neighborhood in the car looking for Peter and John.

"We have to find John and your father, Chris." Lois said to Chris in the passenger's side, "They're not well."

"I never knew people who went crazy before..." Chris remarked at the situation, "Except for my invisible friend, Col. Schwarts!" Lois then just stares at Chris for a minute in shock.

Then it goes back to Peter and John walking in downtown.

"Heh, we get all the channels and games on these things." Peter acknowledged to John, "_Lifetime_."

"_SimCity_." John remarked at the thing Peter was referring in his view.

"CBS." Peter said referring to an elderly couple passing by. "_Pong_." John followed.

"Hey, UPN." Peter then acknowledged to a couple of black guys playing basketball. "Cool, _NBA Jam '99_." John said lastly.

Peter turns away to a view of James Woods Regional High School.

"All right, 90210." Peter remarked after seeing it.

"Huh?" John repied to what Peter said, "Hey, a dating sim."

Peter and John were roaming the schoolyard, still wearing their harnesses. They saw a couple of students, who were soon taking notice. Meg was the last image they saw in their "TVs."

"Dad? John?" Meg responded after seeing both Peter and John with their "TVs" strapped on.

"Meg, what are you doing in West Beverly?" Peter asked Meg, "Oh, boy, they're really reaching for guest stars in the 10th season."

"Meg?" John acknowledged in disdain, "Oh, no. No way am I picking her as an alternate ending."

"Dad, what are you and John doing? Get out of here!" Meg told Peter, "I'm already a total outcast because of you and him!"

"What? I thought I was supposed to be the one to take the fall." John said upon hearing Meg's statement, "What got them interested in you all of a sudden?"

"Now, John, she's just upset because you wrecked the cable transmitter." Peter responded.

"He did not!" Meg shouted in John's defense suddenly, much to John's confusion, then sighed, "Forget it. What good is a car if I let other people get treated badly and have no friends because of it?"

Her guilt about letting framing a boy with amnesia was too much for her to take.

"'John' didn't wreck TV!" Meg confessed, "My dad did!"

"What?" A teacher said in surprise coming out.

"What'd she say?" Another teacher asked opening a window from inside.

"Peter Griffin ruined TV?" The school's groundskeeper acknowledged from behind a tree.

"And blamed some poor kid with amnesia?" A man questioned popping his head out a manhole.

"Well, that's the lowest thing I've ever heard." A man remarked landing from a parachute.

Just then, Lois arrived in the car and she got out and came over to Peter and John's side.

"Peter, John, take those things off and come home." Lois worriedly told Peter and John.

"Hey, Lois. You're just in time for the exciting conclusion." Peter informed Lois, "Looks like some boob's about to get lynched. Hah. Let's watch."

"Weird. I'm getting something like that here, too." John said also looking in his screen, "I think it's some of beat 'em up game."

Another angry mob like early then marched towards Peter, Lois, John and Meg.

"There they are. There they are." One of the townsfolk said.

"Yeah, that's the guy who ruined our cable." The man from the manhole, "Let's get him!"

Before the mob could reach Peter, Lois got in front of him.

"Stop! Stop!" Lois shouted, "What is wrong with you people? O-Okay, yes. My husband's responsible for knocking out TV, but... We should be thanking him. He's broken television's hypnotic spell over us. Now we can see the world for what it is... A beautiful place full of wonderful things just waiting to be experienced."

"Aw, geez, another chick flick." Peter disdained.

"Yeah, I'm not into girl games." John agreed.

"She's right." A man among the crowd proclaimed, "All the hours we've wasted on that idiot box. I'm gonna paint my house!"

"I'm gonna build a ship-in-a-bottle." The man with the parachute said.

"I'm gonna push a hoop with a stick down a dirt road." An old man said.

Lois was relieved that the townspeople were finally taking a break from television.

"I'll take you and John home, honey." Lois said to Peter as she uninstalled both Peter and John's cardboard TVs from their harnesses.

Later at nighttime, Peter and Lois were talking in their bedroom.

"Ugh, I can't believe I let John take the blame." Peter said in guilt, "You were right, Lois. TV is evil. You know, I hear that Manson guy watches it in jail all day long?"

**Cutaway #6**

It shows Charles Manson in his cell rubbing his hands up and down his thighs, watching a small TV.

"If I haven't seen it, it's new to me." Charles Manson said.

**End**

"You and John just went a little overboard." Lois conforting Peter, "you both need a little balance in your life. There are other things to appreciate besides television and video games."

"Y-You mean..." Peter stuttered looking around to see Lois' point, "Like this lamp?"

"Well... Yeah. O-Okay." Lois sorta agreed, "Th-The lamp gives us light."

"Hehehehehe, I get it." Peter said finally realizing it.

"And your family gives you love." Lois said, "You should spend some time with ours kids, Peter. John and Tyler included. And with me."

"Wh-What could me and you do together?" Peter asked confused.

Lois let out a naughty laugh.

"Lois!" Peter exclaimed, "You've got a sick mind!"

"Peter, I'm talking about making love." Lois said.

"Ohoho." Peter said in relieve, "Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money."

The camera pans away into the background and amorous sounds of pleasure can be heard. The next morning, Peter got up first and opened the window.

"Ah, what a gorgeous day." Peter exclaimed in a suddenly bright mood, "Isn't it a gorgeous day, Mr. Sun?"

It soon shows the sun as Sunny, the mascot of Kellogg's _Raisin Bran_.

"It's always a nice day with two scoops of raisins, Peter." Sunny said as he poured the raisins in his scoops. It then started raining raisins, though one giant raisin soon falls and lands on a car, setting its alarm off.

Everyone was having breakfast whilst Stewie was still working on his weather machine.

"Top of the morning, everyone." Peter greeted the family as he walked right in and gave Lois a kiss in the cheek.

"Excellent!" Stewie exclaimed, "Thus completes the penultimate adjustment to my weather control device!"

"Victory is mi, AAHH!" Stewie said as Peter picked him up, "Release me at once!"

"Guys, your mother was right." Peter informed his kids and John and Tyler, "It's time we helped John and Tyler remember about who they were before. It'd be a crime to just sit around and wait for the TV to start workin'."

"Great. You can also teach me how to drive." Meg said.

"Meg, there'll be plenty of time to drive when you're dead." Peter shrugged, "There's a big world out there just waiting to us to grab it by the shorts hairs!"

"Damn!" Stewie muttered under his breathe as he struggled to get out of Peter's grasp.

"Let's go!" Peter soon announced.

The Griffins were first fishing at a lake, where Lois gets a big bite. Peter, Chris and Meg helped pull the line, but were having trouble. John then gets his single hand on the fishing rod and simply pulls on fish they caught is actually the Creature from the Black Lagoon, where they also take a photo of their catch.

Next, the family was lying on a grassy meadow looking up at the clouds. Chris, however, points out to the Batsignal to his right. Peter also sees another signal, but instead having a dog on it. After taking a look, Brian then suddenly zooms off.

The Griffins are now playing basketball back at the house. Chris does a dunk. Meg also does one, too. Peter runs up too fast and crashes into the garage door. John thens tries a shoot at the basket, but the ball bounces off from the the side of the hoop, sending it straight to John's face knocking him out.

Lastly, the Griffins go on a picnic at a park. Everyone was getting the food and utensils out, while Peter was pitching the blanket. Tyler steps in to help, but after a few times of spreading the blanket in the air, a bull suddenly appears out of nowhere and runs over Tyler, leaving him a pancake.

Finally, everyone, except Peter, finally took a break from the activities back at the house.

"Ugh, I'm so tired." Meg exclaimed, "This morning's fly-fishing really wore me out."

"Well, wake up!" Chris said to his sister, "You promised you'd get this hook of my mouth."

Meg then tries to get the hook out. She succeeds.

"Ow. Thank you." Chris thanked Meg.

"Now, kids, your father is just trying to spend time with his family." Lois assured the kids, "Or kill us. I'm not sure which."

As they nearly walk out the door, the TV then displays the news channel.

"Those Chinese sure do like to spit, don't they?" Tom Tucker said from the TV as the Griffins soon stop to see, "Well, Diane, that last report was so good, I think you deserve a spanking."

"Oh, Tom." Diane flattered, "I don't think your wife would appreciate that."

"That frigid old cow lives in Quahog." Tom shrugged, "She can't hear a word I'm saying."

"Actually, we're back on the air in Quahog." The cameraman informed, giving Tom and Diane another look of horror on their faces like before.

Cuts back to the house.

"Wait." Tyler said, "If TV's back on, then that means..."

Tyler then walked over to the Nintendo 64 beside the TV and turned it on, this time successful. On it displayed the _SUPER MARIO 64_ title screen.

"I think I know how to fix Mr. Griffin and J-Man's problems." Tyler said.

As the family sat down and watched TV, Stewie emerged from behind the couch holding his weather machine.

"Thank God!" Stewie thankfully acknowledged, "Their puerile minds are once again distracted by that flickering box. Time to be bad!" He then walked out of the living room.

"Come on, everyone, we're late for the Bavarian Folk Festival." Peter announced as he John came in the room wearing lederhosens.

"Yeah, you know those Germans." John said, "You don't join their party, they come get you."

"But, dad, the TV's back on." Chris informed Peter.

"Yeah, and so's the Nintendo 64." Tyler also said.

"Huh. Waddya know." Peter bluntly said as he and John looked at the TV, "Okay, let's go."

"Peter, I'm thrilled that you want to spend so much time with the family. " Lois enthusiastically told Peter, "But we're exhausted. Maybe we could just sit and watch some TV together and maybe let John play just one game?"

"Why? We're too busy living life to the fullest." Peter shrugged, "Come on, let's go."

"I'm sick of life." Chris complained.

"Yeah, my-my dogs are barkin'." Brian agreed.

"But I thought we were having fun." Peter said.

"Yeah." John agreed.

"We were, but now it might be nice to watch other people have fun." Meg explained, "Or get killed. You know, whatever's on."

"Look, Peter, it's your favorite show." Lois pointed to the TV.

On the TV was another episode of _Star Trek_.

"All right, men. This is a dangerous mission." Captain Kirk announced to the crew, "And it's likely one of us will be killed. The landing party will consist of myself, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, and Ensign Rickey."

"Aw, crap." Ensign Rickey muttered.

Cuts back to Peter and John.

"Sorry, Lois." Peter said to Lois, "There's only one show I want to see and only one game John wants to play. There a little something both I like to call 'Make Every Day Count,' starring Peter Griffin and, um... John as themselves. Right, John?"

John was still unsure about what he wanted as he was still staring at the game console. "Uhh, yeah..."  
John said at last.

"Oh, come on, Peter. Don't you think both you and John miss TV and video games just a little?" Lois persuaded Peter, "The familiar stories, the broadly drawn characters, the convenient plot turns that bring a character around at exactly the right moment?"

Just then, William Shatner suddenly opens the door, just as Lois predicted.

"Hi. I'm William Shatner." William Shatner introduced himself, "My car broke down while I was on my way to give a speech about how TV keeps families together. Say, would you like to hear it?"

"Nonono, my kid and I have gotta run." Peter informed William Shatner, "I don't wanna miss the all-you-eat schnitzel bar."

"Wait a minute!" William Shatner halted Peter and John from walking away for a bit, "I love schnitzel."

"Well, then come along." Peter said inviting William Shatner with him and John, "I bet you could squeeze into Lois' lederhosen."

"I'll change in the car." William Shatner announced in Lois' face while, for some unknown reason, his wig was floating where Shatner was exactly standing at, then went back in its place as the three walked off.

"If I had a nickel for every time one of my parents walked out on me instead of teaching me how to drive, I'd be one rich little-" Meg said before she was cut off by Lois.

"Let's go, Meg." Lois said irritated and pulled Meg away by her arm.

Tyler was then about to head back inside, but noticed someone missing.

"Stewie?" Tyler said, "Stewie?"

Tyler then looked outside in the frontyard first. When he couldn't find any sightings of the large-headed toddler around there, he then went to check the backyard. To his prevail, he finally found Stewie.

"Hey, Stewie." Tyler called out.

Stewie was on a tire swing in a raincoat as he began to swing foward a few times. He then jumps off and bounces off a trampoline placed before him and onto the roof where the satellite dish was strapped onto the chimney.

"Stewie?" Tyler exclaimed out of surprise.

Stewie then pulled the weather machine tied to the end of a rope as he was using his trike as a crank. He then straps it in the rope holding the dish and connects two breaker cables on the antennaes and then finally pulls the string, activating and spinning the arrow on the See-N-Say, which stops at "Freezing Rain."

"Fare thee well, brocolli!" Stewie professed as storm clouds began to form.

We later go directly to the Bavarian Folk Festival where Peter, John and William Shatner are attending. At a German bratwurst stand, the vendor with a small, but familiar mustache appears to be suspiciously eyeing the stand next to him; a Polish sausage stand. Without warning, the German vendor knocks the Polish vendor out and takes the stand for himself, that is until he takes interest in the Czech weiners stand next door.

At a motorcycle merry-go-round, Peter and William Shatner are discussing about television.

"I don't know, Peter." William Shatner said warily, "I can't imagine choosing life over television."

"I'm tellin' ya, it's great, Bill." Peter assured, "Yeah, and the only thing that would make this perfect day better is if my family was here."

"Yeah, and maybe me remembering about myself." John said afterwards, still thinking about the decision he was going to make about giving up what he possibly loved.

The storm formed from Stewie's weather machine then appears and rains on the festival, causing the festival to end early.

"My God!" William Shatner exclaimed in both surprise and amazement, "It was sunny a moment ago, but now it's pouring!"

"Hey! Hey, let's all take off our shoes and run home barefoot!" Peter suggested as he got out.

"Griffin, you're a madman!" William Shatner responded as he grabbed Peter by his lederhosen, "Barefoot, you say?"

Lois was still teaching Meg how to drive while it was still raining.

"This is not safe." Lois acknowledged about the condition of the storm, "I'll teach you how to drive some other time. Pull out."

"Mom, I can't even tell where 'over' is." Meg said.

Peter and William Shatner were busy playfully running down the drenched road barefoot, whilst John was just walking with them away from the road with his shoes still on.

"You were right, Peter." William Shatner praised Peter, "I've never felt so alive."

"Hehe, told ya." Peter said to Shatner, then saw John still wearing his shoes, "Hey, John, what's wrong? Don't you want to run barefoot in the rain?"

"I'm not in the mood." John said not giddy like Peter and William Shatner were.

Back at the house, Stewie was already proud of his success.

"Victory is mine!" Stewie shouted triumphantly.

Lightning hits the dish, sending the shock to Stewie, who almost loses his balance.

"I got you, Stewie!" Tyler hollered to Stewie from the ground.

Lightning strikes the dish again, this time wrecking it and causing Stewie to fall off the top of the window, then off the roof and bouncing off the trampoline and landing on top of Tyler, who tried to catch him.

"Goddamnit." Stewie said in pain.

"Ow..." Tyler groaned in pain.

Tyler and Stewie are then left on the ground both knocked-out.

Meanwhile, Peter and William Shatner were still playing in the rain on the street. This causes John to feel worried for them.

"Mr. Griffin?" John asked Peter concerned, "Don't you think this seems a little dangerous to be playing on the road?"

"Aw, you worry too much." Peter shrugged.

"Yeah, try to have a little fun." William Shatner agreed with Peter.

In the distance, Meg was still behind the wheel in the rain, unable to see what's in front of her. She soons finally sees someone in the windshield, causing her to slam on the brakes.

"My God." William Shatner exclaimed in shock.

Right before they're run over, John pushes Peter and William Shatner out of the way and gets hit instead. The car collides off-screen and Meg is shown to be okay, as well as Lois.

"Oh my God! Meg, are you all right?" Lois asked Meg worried.

"Yeah." Meg assured Lois, "I'm okay."

Suddenly, the car then begins to shake and is lifted into the air, causing Meg and Lois to panic.

"Aaahhh!" Meg screamed.

"Oh, my God!" Lois exclaimed in panic.

At the front, it was showing John to be lifting the entire car by the hood with what appeared to be superhuman strength.

"Holy crap!" Peter exclaimed in shock.

In John's face were glowing, bright eyes and a face showing struggle. Clearly there was more to him and Tyler than what they seem to be. After about a few seconds of having the car up in the air in his fists, John soon grew tired and weary, the light shining out of his eyes were fading away and suddenly he drops the car on its feet and falls to the ground.

Meg and Lois then get out of the car and ran to John's side.

"Oh, my God. I hit John." Meg said in worry, "Is he hurt?"

"I don't know." Lois acknowledged, "It doesn't even look like he's got any broken bones- AAHHH!" Lois then jumped as she saw what became of the front hood. It had a big gap about the size of John's wastline.

"Holy crap!" Meg exclaimed in amazement.

"But... How could he have done this?" Lois questioned, "I mean did you see that he was lifting an entire car all on his own? I-I mean that's completely impossible!"

Lois and Meg soon heard moans of pains to their side and remembered about Peter and William Shatner.

"Oh, my God!" Lois exclaimed, "Peter!"

Lois and Meg then placed John on the grill and ran to Peter's side.

"Daddy!" Meg called to her father worried sick, "Are you okay?"

"Uhh, yeah." Peter assured to them, "I think I'm okay..."

"Oh, thank God!" Lois gladly said as she and Meg hugged Peter, who hugged back.

"Hey, where's Bill?" Peter asked about William Shatner, then heard him in pain.

"Light growing dimmer. Can't breathe." William Shatner acknowledged, possibly in his dying words, "Beam me up, God."

He then lies flat on his back appearing to be lifeless. His stomach bursts out of his lederhosen.

"Whew, I did not see that coming." Ensign Rickey remarked in irony as he was with a group of people witnessing what happened.

Peter, John and William Shatner, who was actually passed out from a head concussion, are then taken to the hospital. The family was in John and Peter's room, where Peter was in a body cast and John only had broken arms. Tyler also had bandages on his head and Stewie only had a band-aid on his head.

"Daddy." Meg said apologeticly to Peter, "I'm sorry you, John and Mr. Shatner over."

"Aw, don't worry, honey." Peter conforted Meg, "As soon as John gets his arms better and I get out of this body cast, we'll do enough living for us and Bill."

"Actually, Bill's lawyers just placed a restraining order on you and John." Lois informed Peter, "So, I don't think neither of you will spend time with him anytime soon."

"Aw." Peter said in disappointment.

"And honey, can't we go back to the way things used to be?" Lois pleaded.

"Yeah, and can't J-Man go at least give video games a chance?" Tyler pleaded also, " You know, just to see if it really is a part of who he is."

"And there's a big dent in that couch that nobody else can fill." Lois said.

"It's true." Tyler said, "Chris and I tried filling it, but neither one of us could big enough."

"No, Tyler." John informed Tyler, "Video games are what got me like this."

"But I thought the car crash did." Tyler replied.

"No, I mean they might be what got me to lose my memories in the first place." John explained, "You were right about it all along, Mr. Griffin."

"Yeah, haven't you guys learned anything?" Peter joined in, "TV and video games took over me and John's lives once. We're never gonna let that happen again."

"Oh, my God." Lois said saddened, "We've lost them."

"No." Tyler remarked now lost hope.

The family then leaves now upset to find Peter and John for who they were gone forever.

"So, what did the doctors say of J-Man's condition, Mrs. Griffin?" Tyler asked Lois.

"Well, they say he only had strained arms and that he needs to rest a while." Lois informed Tyler, "I also told them about John getting hit by the car, but they didn't find any bones broken. I'm a little worried, actually."

"Whoa, really?" Tyler said, "But that's impossible, even for J-Man."

"I know, but I still think you and John should continue to stay with us." Lois again informed Tyler.

"What? Why?" Tyler replied.

"Because I starting to think both you and John were left on our doorstep for a reason." Lois explained, "Otherwise, if John haven't acted, then Mr. Shatner would probably be dead right now. Besides, if people knew you were both like that, they'd make fun of you and I didn't want that."

"Oh. All right, thank you." Tyler then agreed, "One more thing, Mrs. Griffin."

"Yes, Tyler?" Lois said.

"Is the reason you're allowing me and J-Man to stay longer also because you like us?" Tyler asked Lois.

"Well... Gee, maybe." Lois understood, "I'll admit you're both starting to make a big addition to this family."

"You really mean that?" Tyler said amazed.

"Of course." Lois informed Tyler, "In fact, I think you and John should stay with us from now on."

"Thanks, Mrs. Griffin." Tyler said as he and Lois hugged as he and John were now a part of the family.

Back in John and Peter's room, the nurse walks up to Peter.

"Hey, if ya help me and my friend out of here, I know an enchanted meadow where the blueberries are just begging to be picked."

"Look, buddy." The nurse told Peter, "Just you and your kid go in the pan and don't call me unless one of you is flatlining."

The nurse then turned the TV on and gave John a little something to keep him entertained; a Game Boy Color.

"Hey. Hey-hey, turn that TV off." Peter informed the nurse, but she was already gone, "And get that thing away from him. Hey, n-nurse? Nurse?"

"Uh-oh." John said.

"What would you do for a _Klondike _bar?" The announcer on the TV said.

"Let's-a play!" The voice from the game on John's Game Boy said.

"Would you stand on one leg?" The announcer on the TV asked a man.

"Sure." The man on the TV said standing on one leg.

Peter tried to look away.

In John's game, John had passed the first half of the level. Like Peter, John also tried to look away.

"Would you act like a monkey?" The announcer asked the man a second time.

"Uhuh." The man agreed as he began acting like a monkey. Peter again tried to resist, only to take one last look.

Back at John's game, John had now found a secret path leading to the boss, though he soon tries to stop, but can't shake the game placed firmly on his sort off petrified hands off.

Finally back at the TV, the announcer gives the man another dare, though this time it's a bit different.

"W-Would, would you kill a man?" The announcer said.

"Um... Uh, well." The man warily.

A gunshot is heard with the painful moan of another on the TV and John manages to beat the boss with a gun, gaining Peter and John's attention back.

Then, everyone, including John and Peter, was in the living room watching TV.

"Daddy." Meg said sweetly to Peter, "Now that I've finally passed my driver's test, can I still get a convertible?"

"Hehehe, no." Peter informed Meg, "But I'm proud of you for getting your license, sweetheart."

"That reminds me, John." Meg soon talked to John, "You still hadn't told me of why you took the blame instead of me."

"Well..." John replied, "It just one of those things you do for your friends, I guess."

"Friends?" Meg asked confused.

John sighed, "Look, I just thought that since we got off on the wrong foot, we could be friends. Will that work?"

"You want us to be friends?" Meg asked John.

"Only if you want to." John said.

"Well, sure, I guess." Meg responded, "You've already shown me that you're not what I thought you were."

"And what's that?" John asked.

"A weird, creepy guy who looks at girls pervertedly."

"Oh..." John responded.

"But now I see you as this very sweet person who thinks of others before himself." Meg said, "And for that, I'll gladly be your friend."

"Gee, thanks." John said.

"Oh, I'm proud of you, John." Lois commented.

"For what?" John asked confused.

"Well, for putting your differences aside and making new friends. That's why." Lois explained.

"Oh." John exclaimed, "Well, thanks, Mrs. Griffin."

"And I'm proud of you, Peter." Lois then said to Peter, "You and John taught us all a valuable lesson. It's not what you do that defines the quality of your life, it's who you do it with, especially with your friends, and your family-"

"Too late, he's gone." Peter cut off Lois as he saw John already busy playing a SEGA Genesis with Tyler.

The next day, Lois handed Stewie his vegetables.

"I know you don't like brocolli, Stewie, but you'll thank me when you grow up big and strong like your father." Lois told Stewie.

"Ah, compelling argument. You've swayed me, woman." Stewie assured Lois as she patted his head and walked to the sink.

"All right. Are you ready, simpleton?" Stewie asked Tyler.

"Ready." Tyler replied.

"Mmm, oh, that is good." Stewie lied as he was scraping his brocolli onto Tyler's plate, "Mmm, I feel stronger already. Mmm-mmm, oh, it's good tasting and good for you, mmm."

As Tyler was about to stick his fork in his plate, Brian swipes it away, leaving the fork and knife sticking through the table. Brian then dumps the brocolli back onto Stewie's plate.

"Nice try." Brian said, "And don't help him, Tyler."

"Aww..." Tyler groaned.

"Quadruped." Stewie called Brian.

"Mutant." Brian fired back.

**The End**


	3. Chitty Chitty Death Bang

**Chapter 3: Chitty Chitty Death Bang**

**Opening Credits**

_It seems today that all ya see_

_Is violence in movies and sex on TV_

_But where are those good, old-fashioned values?_

_On which we used to rely_

_Lucky there's a Family Guy!_

_Lucky there's a man who positively can do_

_All the things that make us_

_Laugh 'n Cry!_

_He's_

_A_

_Fam_

_-ily_

_Guy!_

**End**

Today was a special day in the Griffin household. Peter, Chris, Brian, John and Tyler were in the living watching TV, when Lois walks into the room.

"Well, everything's all set for Stewie's birthday party." Lois said, "I can't believe he's almost a year old."

"Cool." Tyler said, "Seems like only yesterday that we were here."

Tyler then thinks back to a clip of the pilot, was cut off.

"Tyler, that was a few weeks ago." John informed Tyler.

"Oh." Tyler responded.

"Yeah, I'll never forget the day he was born."

"What was it like, Mr. Griffin?" Tyler asked.

It flashes back to the day of Stewie's birth. Peter was with Lois, who was in labor. He was in hospital attire while wearing a mask like the doctors.

"One more push, Lois." The doctor said. Lois groaned in pain from giving birth.

"This is quite a miracle, Mr. Griffin." The doctor informed Peter, "Would you like to have a look?"

"Yeah, you know, I've never actually seen a live baby... Oh, God!" Peter said in horror of what he saw and ran out of the room.

"Congradulations, Mrs. Griffin. It's a boy." The doctor announced as he handed Stewie to the nurse beside him, "Oh, wait a minute. I don't think we're through here."

"Oh, my God! Is it twins?" Lois asked in surprise.

"No, it's, um, a map of Europe." The doctor responded, folding the scroll to reveal a full map of Europe with X's on a few countries. While they were distracted, the newborn Stewie shifts his narrowed eyes suspiciously back and forth.

Cut backs to the present.

"I've just confirmed everything with the birthday party planner down at Cheese E. Charlie's." Lois informed Peter.

(A/N: I know it was pronounced as "Cheesie Charlie's," but if you've seen a few episodes of The Cleveland Show, you can see that they pronounced it as "Cheese E. Charlie's" instead. That way, it's more like the restaurant it's parodying. Hope you guys understand.)

"What's Cheese E. Charlie's?" John asked.

"Yeah, I don't think I've ever heard of a place like that before." Tyler said.

"It's cool, guys." Chris told John and Tyler, "They have this game where you put in a dollar and you win four quarters! I win every time!"

"Chris, I think that might've been the change machine." Tyler informed Chris.

"Oh." Chris replied, "I get to go, right?"

"Why can't we have the same kind of party we always do?" Peter asked Lois.

"Yeah, what's the problem at having the party here?" John agreed with Peter.

"Boys, this could be our last first birthday ever." Lois explained, "You know, when Meg and Chris turned one, I had so much to do, I missed everything."

It goes to another flashback, this time with with a younger Lois preparing a cake for Meg's first birthday exhausted.

As she puts on the finishing touches on Meg's cake and pours punch in the cups, Peter barges in.

"Lois, you're not gonna believe this!" Peter announced in excitement, "Meg just said 'da-da!'"

"Her first words?" Lois exclaimed in surprise.

"Then she stood up all by herself and started walkin'!" Peter also told her.

"Her first steps?" Lois exclaimed again, this time with joy.

"Yeah." Peter replied, before looking around the kitchen, "What the hell are you doing in here, anyway?"

Peter went back to where the party was thrown, leaving Lois alone in the kitchen. She looks down in disappointment at how she missed seeing what could've been one of the best things in her life as a parent.

Suddenly, drums are played in the other room, catching Lois' attention.

"Alright!" Peter exclaimed, "Her first drum solo." Everyone in there applauded.

"Oh, that's so sad, Mrs. Griffin." Tyler said.

"Hey, are you being a smartass to my wife, Tyler?" Peter asked Tyler offended.

"What? No. My ass isn't smart." Tyler responded, "If it was, it would do Chris's homework for him."

"Well, thanks to Cheese E. Charlie's, I'm not gonna miss a moment of Stewie's party." Lois said as Stewie in his diaper walked in.

"I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces?" Stewie questioned, then clapped, "A little service here!"

"Hey, Stinky." Peter greeted Stewie, "Hey, have we got some big plans for you."

"Plans?" Stewie replied in cunfusion, "The devil are you talking about?"

"It's your birthday, dude." Chris told Stewie.

"Saturday's gonna be real special, honey." Lois said to Stewie, "I've hired a professional to make sure everything goes just right."

"A professional?" Stewie remarked, then gasped in horror, "There's treachery afoot." Stewie then scoured off.

"Huh, that's weird." John said.

"What?" Tyler asked.

"Sounded to me like he thought we meant something else." John theoried, "Oh, well."

Later in the evening, Peter and John were sitting on the front porch. Peter was having a slice of pie when Meg soon ran back home from school in tears.

"Meg, you're home late." Meg said.

"Yeah, what kept ya?" John asked Meg.

"I stayed after school to try out for cheerleading." Meg sobbed.

"Well, don't keep us in suspense." Peter responded in excitement, "How'd you do?"

"I'll give you a hint." Meg said, "I S-U-C-K-E-D! Sucked! Sucked!"

"Yay!" Peter hurrayed before realizing what she said, "Uh... Oh, I mean, sorry, honey."

"God, I hate high school." Meg lamented, "I don't fit in with anyone."

"Is it that bad?" John asked.

"Oh, boy, you have no idea." Peter informed him.

**Cutaway #1**

Peter was in a street gang, whom was finger-snapping, ala _West Side Story_. Unfortunately, Peter wasn't able to keep up with the others.

"Okay, man. Okay, you are really throwing me off." The head dancer said to Peter annoyed, "It's step-kick, step-twirl. Got it?"

"Aw, I thought we were just gonna rumble with those greasy Sharks." Peter said.

"Not without seven years of ballet and two of jazz tap, we're not." The head dancer replied, "From the top, people! Look, why don't you just hang back and stretch?"

Peter looked down in disappointment.

**End**

"I don't get it." Meg said, "The harder I try to make friends, the more people hate me."

"Listen, Meg, you're a one-of-a-kind girl with a mind of her own." Peter conforted Meg.

"What you should do is stop being someone you're not." Tyler advised.

"Really?" Meg asked.

"Yep." Tyler informed, "If people don't like you for who you are, then that's there problem."

"Yeah. I mean, besides, you and I are already friends, right?" John said.

"Yeah." Meg replied.

"Well, that's a start." John.

"Wow, it's so obvious." Meg exclaimed in realization.

"Thanks, daddy." Meg thanked Peter and gave a kiss on the cheek.

"And thanks, guys." Meg then thanked John and Tyler as she hugged them.

"Hi, mom. Bye, mom." Meg greeted Lois, who was stepping outside, as she, John and Tyler walked into the house.

"Wow, I haven't seen Meg this happy since that bus broke down in front of our house." Lois acknowledged after seeing Meg's attitude.

**Cutaway #2**

Meg and Peter were sitting on the front porch when a bus reading "Hanson" suddenly stopped right in front of their house. Meg quickly stood up in excitement.

Three tan, blonde boys came out of the broken-down bus.

"Hi, can we use your phone?" One of them asked.

"Holy crap!" Peter exclaimed in horror as he also quickly stood up, "It's _The Children of the Corn_!"

Peter then got out a shotgun and began firing.

**End**

"Meg and I just had a little father-daughter talk, along with some talk from her friends." Peter told Lois.

"Well, it seems to have worked." Lois said.

"Hey, I wasn't just blowing smoke when I bought this t-shirt." Peter responded as he lifted his shirt to reveal another shirt underneath reading, "#1 Dad."

"Well, you're the number-one husband, too." Lois replied.

"I know. That's why I bought this other t-shirt." Peter said as he lifted his other shirt to reveal yet another t-shirt underneath, this time reading, "No Fat Chicks." Peter looks down and quickly pulls it down when he realizes what it says. "Whoops."

Later that night, Stewie was still up and was writing in his diary.

"'Dear Diary, it seems the domestic overseers are plotting against me." Stewie wrote in his diary, "Their plans somehow relate to the anniversary of my escape from the womb. I'm still haunted by the memories of how I was incarcerated in that amniotic Attica.'"

We go to yet another flashback of Stewie back when he was simply a sperm. However, the sperm portrayed here are actually a type of spacecraft, piloted by babies wearing helmets.

"'As I recall, it was every potential man for himself.'" Stewie wrote.

The sperm were heading straight for a egg cell. Stewie then began taking them out one by one.

"'I alone had reached the target objective, thanks to the peerless intrepidity I developed at testicular boot camp." Stewie wrote as his sperm then entered the egg, "But it was a trap! I was imprisoned in that uterine gulag for nine grueling months.'"

Then it flashes forward to Stewie's developing fetus, writing something in his journal.

"'Day 171. I've sprouted another finger, counting the one from yesterday." Fetus Stewie wrote, then looked down at his feet, "I'm up to 11.'"

Then fastforwards to a fully-developed Stewie in fetal position.

"'As the months of solitude passed, I began to go insane." Stewie narrated, "It seemed my prison cell was getting smaller and smaller. I was quite sure that soon I would be dead.'"

Just then, an exit opens sideways, emitting light from outside.

"'But then, a miracle! There was a light at the end of the tunnel.'" Stewie wrote, "'I rushed to freedom, but suddenly I was ambushed by a mysterious man in white!'"

Stewie soon realized something as he snapped out of his writing.

"The man in white." Stewie acknowledged in realization, "Of course. He must be the hired professional of whom they spoke. He failed to thwart my escape into the outside world and now, one year hence, he's returning to rectify his mistake and..." Stewie gasped at what he thought up, "...put me back in the womb!"

The next day at James Woods High, Meg was putting her stuff in her locker when all of a sudden.

"Boy, it sure is great being thin and popular." One of the cheerleaders said, who were just walking by.

"Let's go throw up." Another cheerleader suggested.

The others agreed with her.

"Hey, I love throwing up." Meg told them, hoping they'll let her in.

The cheerleaders then laugh and leave. Meg sighs in disappointment and closes her locker, only to get caught surprise by an unfamiliar face.

"Hi. I'm Jennifer." The girl introduced herself.

"Uhh, I'm Meg." Meg responded at first a little uneasy.

"Oh, my God. Your hair is so beautiful, I just want to brush it." Jennifer said gleefully admiring Meg's haircut.

"Really?" Meg asked. Jennifer gave a disturbingly big smile. "You wanna go throw up?"

Meanwhile, Peter, John, Tyler and Chris are at Cheese E. Charlie's.

"Hey, guys." Chris said to John and Tyler, "Let's go wack some moles!"

"Yeah!" John and Tyler said in unison.

"Now, now, boys, we're not here to have fun." Peter informed the boys as he soon turned his attention to the ball pit. John also had his attention to the same thing. Peter shrugs it off.

"Now your mom is counting on us to drop off the deposit." Peter explained as he and John took another gaze at the ball pit.

"So, uh, let's just deliver the check and, uh..." Peter said again, but gazes the ball pit yet again.

He and John then looked at each other, wondering about it.

"Go for it!" Tyler shouted.

The two then dashed toward the pit. John jumped in first.

"Hong Kong Phooey!" Peter shouted as he jumped in the ball pit last, splashing all the balls out and crushing John underneath.

"Where?" Tyler responded to Peter's phrase.

"Right here." An anonomous source to Tyler's left said. The camera turned to who said it and, sure enough, Hong Kong Phooey was actually there, much to Tyler's surprise. Hong Kong Phooey then, for no reason, karate-chopped a nearby table in half.

The guys then try out the arcade room, where a sign showed a man with signs of being on drugs was posted, reading, "You must be at least this high to ride."

"Don't they mean 'this tall' to ride?" Tyler asked Peter as he took his off the sign to think about. When he looked at the sign again, it was completely different. This time, it read "Must be at least this **tall **to ride." Tyler then has a look of surprise on his face after seeing it.

"Yeah! Come on! Oh, go, yeah! Eat my dust!" Chris chanted as he was playing a racing game called _Virtual Indy 500_, while John and Tyler were playing _Pac-Man _and _Galaga _and Peter next to them was playing another game called _Frogger Stuck Behind a Bus_. "Come on, move it! Come on, oh, man!" Peter said out in frustration at playing the game, "Guys, this place is great. Hey, pull over, you bastard!"

Next, Peter was playing a claw machine, hoping to get a prize, but missed.

"Aw, man." Peter exclaimed in disappointment. He then gets an idea, which he has his hand in the machine and tries to snag one of the prizes inside.

"Hey, Mr. Griffin." Tyler shouted to Peter as he quickly got his hand out, "They even got games in the bathroom."

"Look, I won a balloon!" Chris said as he held up what appeared to be an uninflated balloom to Peter, but we all know what it actually is for those who saw the actual episode.

"Eh, way to go, Chris." Peter congradruated Chris as he looked at his wrist, "He-Hey, where's my watch?"

"Alright. I won a watch." A boy by the machine said, holding Peter's watch, "What's _The Dukes of Hazzard_?"

"Hey, that's mine." Peter exclaimed, "Hey, come on. Come on, give that back!"

Peter tried to snatch the watch away from the boy, but the boy keeps straining him from doing so.

"Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!" Tyler chanted at Peter.

"Folks in Hazzard Country hadn't seen a watch fight in a long time. " Uncle Jesse from _The Duke of Hazzard_ narrated, "Them boys rassled for a full five minutes before the manager stepped in to tell Tyler to stop chanting 'Fight!'".

"Hands off, fatty!" The boy backed off Peter, then ran off with the watch.

"Get him!" Peter pointed and told the nearest person there.

"I got him!" Tyler responded as he zoomed off toward the kid. Tyler catches him.

"Wait a minute, that's the wrong one." Peter informed Tyler.

"Oh." Tyler exclaimed, realizing that as the real kid got away, "Oh, well, he's gone."

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you and your party to leave." The manager informed Peter.

"Hey, I'm a paying customer." Peter told the manager, "Look, I got a deposit check for my kid's birthday party right here..." Peter then digged deep into his pockets, but wasn't able to find the check in neither one. "Hey, where the hell is it?"

"You mean this?" Tyler asked Peter as he held up the check.

"Oh, yeah, I forgot I gave it to you for safe keeping." Peter acknowledged, "Hey, thanks."

"Oh, Mr. Griffin." The manager acknowledged, "Oh, I am terribly sorry. We're really looking forward to Stewie's special day."

"Well, now I don't know." Peter said to the manager, "After the emotional trauma I've-"

"What trauma?" John asked.

"Play along." Peter whispered.

"Oh." John replied.

"After the emotional trauma I've endured on your premises, I think I deserve a little discount." Peter repeated what he was going to say before Tyler interrupted the first time.

"Sir, our prices are set by the corporate office." The manager informed Peter.

"Well, then we'll go to the corporate office!" Tyler announced, "As soon as I know what a corporate office is and where it is. Whichever one's faster."

"Or maybe I'll just take my business elsewhere." Peter threatened the manager, "Good luck filling our spot by this Saturday."

Suddenly, parents were swarming the manager, asking for open positions.

"I got cash!" A man said.

"I'll take it!" A woman said.

"Suite yourself." The manager replied to Peter's threat earlier.

"Probably shou'dn't have said that." Tyler remarked.

"Uh, wait. W-Wait, I was just bluffing." Peter begged to the manager, "My wife has her heart set on this place." Peter then yells after him.

"Chris, this is a big day for you." Peter told Chris, "The day you become the man of the house."

"Why?" John and Tyler asked Peter.

"Because when we get home, Mrs. Griffin is going to kill me."

He then noticed Tyler holding a shovel.

"Hey, what's with the shovel?" Peter asked.

"To help dig your grave." Tyler replied.

"Oh, right." Peter said.

Back at the house, Stewie was still in his crib, recalling his supposed discovery last night.

"So the man in white is coming to put me back in the womb, is he?" Stewie questioned, "Well, if I'm to defeat him, I shall aquire professional forces." Stewie then pulled out an issue of _Soldier of Fortune_ from the side of his crib.

"Yes, here we are." Stewie said as he began reading the magazine, "'Come to Managua, the Mecca of mercenaries.' I must prepare for my journey."

Stewie put the magazine down and pulled out a red backpack from another side to put everything he needs in the bag for his "trip."

"Let's see, grenades," Stewie checked as he put them in, "mace, baggie full of Cheerios."

Peter and the boys return home, where Lois was sitting at the couch with Brian, who was reading an issue of _Doggy Style_.

"So, are we all set ar Cheese E. Charlie's?" Lois asked Peter.

"Not exactly..." Tyler said uneasily.

"What do you mean?" Lois asked.

"Well, tell her, Mr. Griffin." Tyler pointed to Peter.

"Oh, uh, actually, I cancelled the reservation." Peter admitted.

"What?!" Lois expressed as she jumped up from the couch.

Peter gave a nervous chuckle.

"Peter, how could you?" Lois questioned Peter.

"Lois, I got a very good reason." Peter reasoned.

"Oh, wait a second." Brian halted as he walks out and brings a chair in, "These are always classic."

"Lois, that Cheese E. Charlie's is no good." Peter claimed, "See, it happened like this."

Unlike the real episode, however, it showed only a black title card that read, "Do you really want me to add Peter's story into this fanfic? If you did, well, then I'm sorry, but it's not gonna happen." writtin in white.

Though it does cut to the part where Peter just escapes from his restraining chair as the Incredible Hulk and getting cut off by Lois.

"Alright, Peter." Lois stopped Peter, "That's enough!"

It cuts back to Peter, Lois, John, Tyler and Brian, whom was clapping slowly.

"Bravo, Peter." Brian mocked Peter, "You're the Spalding Gray of crap."

"I'll go get your grave ready." Tyler said as he left the room.

Peter, do you know how hard it was to get a reservation at Cheese E. Charlie's?" Lois quesioned Peter sternly, "I had to book it on the day of my ultrasound. We'll never find another place in time!"

As Lois was arguing with Peter, John saw Stewie climbing down the window using suction cups. However, one of the cups gets stuck and causes Stewie to crash on the ground. Tyler comes back in the living room, covered in dirt.

"Grave's dug." Tyler announced, "I did find some weird stuff down there."

"What did you find?" John asked.

"These." Tyler said as he pulled out seven diamond-shaped gems in his hands, "Cool, huh?"

"Yeah." John replied, "Wait. Where underground did you happen to come across these?"

"Uhhhh..." Was all Tyler could say.

**Cutaway #3**

Tyler is actually digging a grave for Peter, but ends up going deep underground instead. Eventually, he pops out of the ceiling of a large, hot cavern. That place was actually Hell. Demons were roaming every territory and people being tortured.

"Oh, geez!" Tyler exclaimed as he soon turned his attention to the floor, "Hey. What's that?"

On the floor were the same gems, now in an open crate. The were blue, green, red, yellow, silver, cyan and purple. Tyler then decided to snatch the gems and is almost caught by the demons. Tyler returns to the surface with the gems in hand. What about the demons chasing him, you may ask? Well, Tyler took care of that by plugging the bottom of the hole with a cliche cartoon cork.

**End**

"For once, it was all going to be so perfect." Lois sulked.

"Come on, Lois. It'll still be perfect." Peter said, trying to cheer up Lois, "We'll give him the best birthday ever, right here in the safety and comfort of our own home."

"Peter, we've been over this." Lois reminded Peter.

"Honey, you won't have to lift a finger." Peter reasoned.

"Yeah, he got a clown, a cake, a petting zoo, a big-ass pinata, you name it!" Tyler said aiding Peter, "Though probably not a petting zoo. Maybe. Emphesis on the maybe."

"You got all those things?" Lois asked in amazement.

"You bet I did." Peter assured Lois.

"Huh?" Tyler exclaimed in confusion.

"Wow. Even Cheese E. Charlie's doesn't have a petting zoo." Lois acknowledged, "Okay, I'll call the parents and tell them the party's here." Lois then left to do as she said.

As soon as Lois was out of the room, Brian confronted the three, "You all don't have any of those things."

"How do you know?" Peter questioned.

"Peter, face it." Brian said, "You're a terrible liar."

**Cutaway #4**

Peter goes in an elevator with a random man. Everything seems normal, but the man soon smells something that stinks. He turns to Peter.

"Uh." Peter said, "It was you!"

**End**

"You know, clowns and petting zoos book months in advance." Brian explained, "You're all gonna have a tough time finding a... Oh, hold on." Brian said as a tiny man in a speeding stagewagon passed him. Brian then chased after it to the kitchen. It phased through inside a bottom cabinet and Brian opens to find a bag of dog food. Brian closes it in disappointment at not being able to catch the stagecoach. "Ugh. Some day."

"Guys, I think Brian's right." John told Peter and Tyler, "Maybe we should just think of something else."

"What?" Peter exclaimed, "And let Stewie's party be ruined? No way."

"Well, we still have a cake and a petting zoo to worry about." Tyler reminded Peter, "What's the plan, Mr. Griffin?"

"Easy. It's..." Peter said as he whispered into Tyler's ear.

Meanwhile at the Quahog Airport, Stewie was about to start his "journey" when he walks up to the female worker behind the counter.

"Well, hey there, little boy." The female worker said to Stewie, "Are you lost?"

"Now, listen here... 'Jolene.'" Stewie negotiated with the woman as he read her nametag, "I've got an army to raise and I must get to Nicaragua. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. And no pickles! God help you if I find pickles."

"Henry, I have a lost little boy." "Jolene" said to the man next to her.

"Well, hey there, little fella." The pilot greeted Stewie, "Why don't you come with me?"

"No! Damn you! You're one of them, aren't you?" Stewie cursed as he was picked up and taken with the man, "What are they paying you? I'll double it! I'll give you whatever you want! Money! Women!... Men?"

Back in town, Peter, John and Tyler were at a plaine, where Peter had a leaf blower on.

"Uh, what are we doing here again, Mr. Griffin?" Tyler asked Peter.

"Pigs, Tyler." Peter told Tyler, "We're getting pigs for Stewie's petting zoo."

"Oh." Tyler replied.

Peter turns on the leaf blower and blows down a house made of straw. The resident living inside it, a pig, then retreats to the nearest house around. The house it retreated into was one this time made of sticks, which Peter blew away easily as the house's residential pigs run away now into a house of brick, leaving Peter in a fix.

"Crafty swine." Peter muttered under his breathe.

"Now what, Mr. Griffin?" Tyler asked.

"I got this." John said as he took his fist out.

Peter stopped him and knocked on the door. "UPS" Peter lied, which got the door to open, "Heh. See? Little bastards ain't as smart as- AAAHHH!" Peter exclaimed as he got hit by a paint can attached to a swinging wire.

At the Griffin house, Brian was making himself a sandwich and Lois was at the table writing out invitations to Stewie's birthday. Meg then walked in.

"Hi, mom." Meg greeted Lois, "This is Jennifer. She gave me a ride home."

"Meg, you made a friend." Lois congradulated her duaghter.

"What a lovely house, Mrs. G." Jennifer compimented, "Meg, you didn't tell me your mother was just like Martha Steward."

"Oh, no." Lois said flattered, "Once you get to know me, I'm really very nice."

"You know what's nice?" Jennifer asked, "Having a friend like Meg. And kittens. It was super swell meeting you. Bye, Meg. Friends forever."

"Forever and ever." Meg said.

They then shared a giddy laugh and Jennifer left the house.

"Wow! What a great yard!" Jennifer then complimented.

"Guess what, mom?" Meg asked Lois, "Jennifer invited me to a party on Saturday."

"This Saturday?" Lois exclaimed in concern, "Meg, you can't miss Stewie's first birthday."

"But mom-" Meg said.

"Meg, our entire family is going to be here for Stewie's party and that includes you. Understood?" Lois sternly informed Meg.

"I can't believe you'd put your family before your own daughter!" Meg said to Lois upset, then stormed off.

"She's a whiny little runt, isn't she?" Brian remarked."

Lois gasped in shock at what she thought Brian called Meg.

"I said 'runt.'" Brian claimed.

Peter and Tyler then stopped at a place called "Exotic Entertainment," where Peter was talking to the clerk inside.

"I, uh, I don't think me and my friend are in the right place, uh..." Peter said.

"We're looking for someone to entertain some little kids for his son's birthday." Tyler told the performance artist, "So, what can you do?"

"Well, I can do, like, a handstand, and some somersaults maybe." The performance artist said.

"Can you do anything else?" Tyler asked.

"Oh, yeah, I can make pretend like the little children are little bugs in my web." The performance artist responded.

"We're just gonna get outta here, right now." Tyler told the clerk as he and Peter slowly stepped back and then dashed out of the shop.

Meanwhile, Stewie was still at the airport. He was in a room with the man who brought him there.

"Do you know your phone number, son?" The man asked Stewie.

"The only way you'll get me to talk is through slow, painful torture." Stewie talked back, "And I don't think you've got the grapes."

"Oh, it sounds like you don't want to go home." The man said surveying Stewie's attitude, "Are you running away?"

"Steward Gilligan Griffin runs from nothing!" Stewie shrugged.

"You know, son, running away never solves anything." The man said, "You're getting to be a big boy now and part of growing up means facing your problems head on."

"Mmm, the ruptured capillaries in your nose belie the clarity of your wisdom." Stewie remarked, "You're saying I must return to face this man in white myself. So be it."

"As for you, kind sage, I only hope my heartfelt thanks will keep you warm as you spend the next the next 10 years in frozen carbonite!" Stewie said to the man as he pulled out another of his own weapons and blast a beam of carbonite at the man, freezing him in a giant chunk of carbonite. Stewie then runs off.

Peter, John and Tyler were sitting glumly on the front porch, then Brian stepped outside.

"Well, Peter, you, John and Tyler've only got a couple of hours left." Brian informed Peter, "If you're gonna pull a party out of your ass, you might wanna stand up."

"I'll back up if you do." Tyler said.

"Same here." John followed.

"Dad, my friend Jennifer invited me to hang out with a binch of her friends." Meg asked Peter as she stepped out, "Can I go?"

"Whoa, I'm not fallin' for this trick." Peter said sternly, "Did you ask your mother?"

"Yes." Meg said annoyed.

"Okay, then." Peter replied, "Have fun, sweetheart."

"Thanks, daddy." Meg thanked Peter gleefully and left.

"Way to go, Mr. Griffin." John remarked.

"Yeah, nice work." Tyler agreed.

"Aw, guys, Stewie's birthday is gonna suck." Peter admitted, "The only stuff I could get on such short notice was a cake and that big-ass pinata." He pointed to, literally, a pinata that looked like a big ass.

"Whew, sure hope candy comes out of that." Brian acknowledged.

"Wish we'd got a normal pinata." Tyler agreed.

"Face it, guys. I'm a bad father, a lousy husband, and a spanny dresser."

"I'm not sure about that last one." Tyler said.

"I'll never be able to face Lois." Peter said in defeat.

"Well, the circus is in town." Brian suggested, "Maybe you could run away and join it."

"Yeah, you be a big attraction. We'll make millions!" Tyler shouted as he was then dressed as a ringmaster, but another ringmaster steps in.

"Sorry, kid, but we already got that attraction." The ringmaster informed Tyler.

"Well, then I guess we need plan B." Tyler said as he took off his ringleader outfit.

"Wait, the circus!" Peter realized.

Somewhere downtown, Peter was behind an alley, waiting for the marching band to come by. He looks around on what to do, then sees a sign and gets an idea, to which he takes the sign.

The marching band was now coming to Peter's direction. Peter then held the sign reading, "Parade route," waiting for the band leader to come by. As soon as he does, "Now" was what Peter shouted and out of nowhere John knocked the leader out and he and Peter dragged him into the alley. Peter then came out as the band leader with John beside him. They then began leading the circus to their house.

Back at the house, Stewie's party had already started.

"Hi." One of the parents said, "This is the right, isn't it?"

"Oh, yes." Lois assured, "Peter should be back any minute and then we can start the party. Heh. I hope."

"Whoa!" Tyler shouted in excitement.

Peter and John arrive not a moment too soon as they came in riding an elephant.

"Hey, Lois, look." Peter said, "The two symbols of the Republical party: an elephant and a big, fat, white guy who's threatened by change."

"Oh, Peter." Lois responded in joy, "This is the most wonderful celebration I could have imagined."

"Yeah." Peter replied.

"Hey, where's Stewie?" John asked.

"Upstairs, doing who-knows-what." Tyler answered.

Inside his room, Stewie was training for his supposed encounter with the "man in white." He was doing a few taichi stretches before tying his baby bottles together to use as nunchuks.

"I'll go get him." Lois said, "If one of you see Meg, tell her to take lots of pictures."

"Oh, uh, Meg's not here." John said.

"She went to some weird kid's house." Tyler said after.

"What?" Lois exclaimed, "She's gonna miss Stewie's birthday."

"Yeah, I dropped her off an hour ago." Peter said, "Boy, is she gonna be sorry or what?"

"Oh, Peter, how could you let her go?" Lois asked.

"Geez, what's the big deal?" Peter wondered, "So Meg's with her new friends, they seem like a nice bunch of kids."

"I don't know, they seem kinda weird." Tyler remarked, "Like they're in a cult or something."

As Tyler mentions the word "cult," it soon cuts to the inside of a house, where it was filled with kids who wore the same jogging suit as Meg's new friend, Jennifer.

"I'm so glad you could join us, Meg." Jennifer said to Meg, "We're gonna have a great time on our trip."

"A trip?" Meg asked confused, "Like, to the beach? 'Cause I didn't bring my bathing suit."

"Oh, you won't need anything for where we're going." Jennifer insured, "Excuse me. I gotta go mix the punch."

Jennifer went to the punch bowl at the table and then placed a box full of harmful substances labeled "Heaven's Helpers Youth Cult." She then began adding various poisons into the punch, such as cyanide, arsenic and rat poison. She also then drops a book into the punch, which floats back up revealed to be Paul Reiser's _Couplehood._

Back at the party, Stewie was surveying the area in binoculars and a sailor suit.

"Hey, birthday dude." Chris said to Stewie, "You want some ice cream?"

"Ice cream!" Tyler shouted.

"Huh?" Chris said as he looked to his right.

Tyler jumped on top of him.

"Yes, but no sprinkles." Stewie replied, "For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill both of you!"

"But if it's one sprinkle, we'll both be dead." Tyler said.

"Dammit." Stewie yelled.

John was about to enter the house, when he heard Peter talking to Lois.

"Oh, come on, Lois." Peter said, "I hate to see you so upset. Look, we got animals. We got clowns. I mean, a party couldn't be any better if Jesus Himself showed up."

**Cutaway #5**

The cutaway is that of the Wedding of Cana, beginning where they have just found out they're out of wine.

"What do you mean we have no more wine?" The master asked.

"I ckecked. We're all out." One of the servants told him.

"Well, I guess we'll just have to cancel the wedding." The master said.

It then goes to two of the wedding guests.

"Hey, I just heard over at the entree table that they're out of wine and are planning to cancel the wedding." The guest on the right said to the guest at the left.

"What, because of a shortage of wine?" The left guest responded, "That's a little too much, don't you think?"

"Are you forgetting something important here?" The right guest reminded his friend, "Every wedding's gotta have wine. Otherwise, what's the point?"

"Oh, right." The left guest replied.

"Well, I guess we should probably get out of here right now, huh?" The right guest said.

The camera turns its attention to one of the jars full of water. A hand comes out and touches the edge of the jar. The camera then turns back to the master and his servants.

"Oh, hey, hold on, let me just get a drink of water first." The left guest told his friend as he went to the same jar that was touched, "I don't wanna leave on an empty stomache."

He then took a scoop of the "water" and had a sip. Then his widened in amazement.

"Hey, we do have more wine!" The guest achnowledged, "Hey, Gary, quick! Tell everyone that there's wine over here!"

The man's friend rushed off to do as he told him.

The camera then turns to the jar again, this time with Jesus standing next to it, proud of what He did for them. He then winked at the screen.

**(A/N: I know it's not the actual cutaway Peter set up in the episode, but I thought since I'm practically a Christian, maybe this should be it instead. Hope you like it.)**

**End**

"Peter, the circus is terrific." Lois affirmed to Peter, "But it's not just Stewie's birthday. We're also celebrating the day our family became whole. Today means nothing if Meg isn't here."

After hearing all that, John couldn't help but feel sorry.

At the house the cult was using, Meg was sitting with Jennifer. Jennifer then took notice of Meg's glum look.

"Meg, you seem sad." Jennifer remarked, "Today's a happy day."

"I know. It's just that..." Meg said as she paused a bit embarassed, "Well, I really like that guy over there. But he doesn't even know I exist. He must think I'm a total dog."

"Oh, that is so not true." Jennifer shrugged it off.

"Then what is it?" Meg asked.

"He's a eunich." Jennifer answered.

"Really?" Meg asked again curious.

"Sure." Jennifer responded, "All the guys here have been castrated. It's cool."

"Hey, do you think that girl is hot?" A boy asked another.

"No." The other boy said.

"Me neither." The boy who asked first responded.

Then they gave each other a high five.

Back at the house, the party was still going.

Brian was standing around having a drink.

"Hey, you. Hit me." Brian said to a clown as the clown sprayed water in his cup and walked away, " There. Now if I can just find a midget with some gin, I'll be in business."

"Hey, Brian." Tyler said walking up to Brian, "Cool party, huh?"

"Yeah, cool party. Hey, listen, uh, you wouldn't happen to find a midget with a little gin on him, did you?" Brian asked.

"No, but I did meet a ninja with vodka." Tyler said as he showed behind him a ninja with a vodka bottle.

"Close enough." Brian muttered.

John walked by them and was about to leave when Brian stopped him.

"Hey, where are you off to, sport?"

"I'm going to go bring Meg back to the party to help Mrs. Griffin." John informed Brian, "You wanna come along?"

"Naw, that's alright." Peter said walking up, "You can come with me."

"Are you gonna bring Meg back, too?" John asked.

"Yeah, I gotta make things right for Lois and get this monkey off my back." Peter explained and turned around to reveal he literally had a monkey on his back, "Ow! Knock it off! Hey! Hey!"

"I'll help you, Mr. Griffin." Tyler said as he held up his hand and suddenly an energy blast came out, but missed Peter, "Whoa!"

"What the heck was that?" John asked.

"I-I don't know. All I did was..." Tyler said as he accidentally blasted more energy.

"Well, have long have ya had that?" Peter asked.

"I guess just now." Tyler suggested, "I'll stay here so I don't hurt no one."

"Good idea." John said as he and Peter left.

Stewie was with a few other babies when he witnessed Tyler's new ability, which he soon learned was from the gems Tyler was carrying in his pockets.

"Fascinating." Stewie remarked, "It appears one of the provider's henchmen have found objects of possibly unlimited power. This could be useful in my confrontation with the man in white."

He then turned his attention to the babies behind him.

"All right, men, the man in white is coming to put me back in the womb." Stewie informed his "troops, "Today he comes for me, but tomorrow it could be you!" Stewie then pointed at one of them.

"Or you!" Stewie said as he pointed at another baby, which then fell over it's side.

"I offer you the opportunity to join me at retrieving those gems to use in glorious battle. I know that for some of you, your motor skills are not yet developed. Sadly, you will be used as decoys. But your children's children will know that you fell for a noble cause. Now, who's with me?"

The only thing one of them could respond to Stewie was, "Duckie."

"Ugh! Useless, everyone of you!" Stewie reacted frustrated, "Fine. I'll defend myself, and the hell with all of you!" Stewie then stopped as he shook a little, "There, I've gone and soiled myself. Are you happy now?"

Meanwhile, back at the cult's gathering, a gong rang and everyone, except Meg, then got excited.

"Oh, our leader is here to take us on our journey!" Jennifer acknowledged in excitement.

The kids gathered to nearby doors that opened to show the cult's leader, who was also in a blue jogging suit.

"My children, rejoice." The leader announce, "The hour of transformation is close at hand."

He then spotted Meg. "Who are you?" He asked her.

"This is Meg, wise one." Jennifer told her master, "Can she come with us?"

"Perhaps." The leader replied, "Do you have a mind that seeks enlightenment and a heart that seeks purity?"

"Well..." Meg said, "Not really."

"Okay." The leader responded at Meg's answer, "Are you a cunfused adolescent desperately seeking acceptance from an undifferentiated ego mass that demands conformity?"

"Wow, that sort of sounds like me." Meg replied as she was still oblivious to what was really going on.

"Great!" The leader remarked, "Then all you need is is a dark-blue jogging suit. Let's see what do we have in stock. What are you? About a 9?"

"No." Meg said flattered, "A 6."

The leader had a look of doubt in his face after hearing it, "Hehehe, right." He replied, "Dispense the refreshments."

Jennifer then poured some punch in a cup and handed Meg her serving.

"There you are, Meg." John said as she was about to take a sip of her drink, but noticed John here, " Hey, Mr. Griffin, I found her."

"Dad, what are you and John doing here?" Meg asked, "Oh, I'm so embarassed I could die!"

"Hey, hey, not before the rest of us." One of the kids said.

"Meg, your mother wants the family together today." Peter informed Meg.

"Ugh, it's just Stewie's birthday. So what if I'm not there." Meg shrugged, "Who's gonna remember?"

"Your mom will, trust me." Peter responded, " She remembers everything. In fact, she always says the best memories she has are when you kids were born."

Peter turned away and then realized.

"Oh, geez, Meg, that's it." Peter said, "This day is more for your mom than it is for Stewie. Oh, with all she's given us, she oughta get whatever she wants."

"I think what your dad's trying to say is is that she wants you to be with the family." John said to Meg.

"Really?" Meg asked feeling guilty as she soon hugged her father, "Daddy, you must think I'm the worst daughter ever."

"Oh, no you're not, honey." Peter cheered Meg up, "What about that fat girl from the Judds?"

"I'm sorry I've been so selfish." Meg apologizes.

"I miss my mom." One of the kids confessed.

Everyone else in the room agreed.

"I also miss my nads." One of them said.

"Mr. Griffin, can we come to Stewie's party, too?" One of the kids asked Peter.

"Sure." Peter replied, "The more the merrier."

"Meg, you have the coolest family." Jennifer told Meg.

"She sure does." Peter agreed as he got a serving of the punch and proposed a toast, "Hey, here's to family!"

"To family!" Everyone toasted.

As Peter was about to have a sip of the punch, he looked at his watch, "Aw, jeez, look at the time!" Peter exclaimed, "Come on!" Peter pulled Meg away before she could sip the punch, saving her life in the process.

"Come on, kids." Peter called to the kids in the party, "Let's get going."

Soon, loud thudding noises were heard as Peter looked at them surprised.

"Oh, sorry, Meg." Peter apologized to Meg, "I guess that's another bunch of people that'd rather fake their deaths than go to a party with you."

The cult leader then came back holding a blue jocking suit.

"Children, the time of ascension has arrived." The leader announced as he soon found the now lifeless bodies on the floor, "Oh, for the love of God, haven't any of you been in a cult before? Damn it! I can't achieve transcendance by myself. That would just make me some kind of lone nut. Somebody's got to die with me." After that, he sees Meg in the car going home with her father and John.

"Come back, Meg!" The leader called out as he dashed off toward her, "Whoops. Can't forget my ceremonial white robe."

Meanwhile, the party was almost over and everyone was about to leave.

"Well, I guess there's nothing left but the birthday cake." Lois said disappointed

"Yeah." Tyler agreed.

"Right here!" Meg said as she appeared holding the cake.

"Meg!" Lois exclaimed excitedly.

"I'm sorry, mom." Meg apologized to Lois as they hugged.

"Oh, thank you, Peter." Lois thanked Peter.

"Hey, no problem." Peter responded, "And John helped out, too."

"Is that true?" Lois asked John.

"Yeah." John replied, "I heard about what you said about this party not meaning anything without Meg and I kinda wanted to help out."

"Oh, that is the most wonderful thing you've ever did." Lois said as she hugged John in gratitude, "Thank you very much."

"Yeah, well, you guys carry on." John said about to walk away, "Come on, Tyler."

"Wait, John, don't you want to join us?" Lois asked.

"No, it's okay, Mr. Griffin." John responded, "This is for the family, not us."

"Yeah, we've been enough of a bother for one day." Tyler said.

"Boys, don't you see?" Lois informed them, "You are apart of the family."

"Really?" John and Tyler said in unison.

"Of course." Lois insured, "I mean you've both done so much for us and it's all because of that that we accept you into our own. Do you at least see that?"

Yeah, I guess I do." John admitted, "Tyler? Don't you have anything you want to say?"

Tyler, however, had only a blank expression on his face. Then after a few seconds, he gave a smile.

"I'm glad you finally see that, boys." Lois said herself having accepted John and Tyler into her and her family's life, "Now how about we have some cake?"

"Great, I can't wait to taste this cake." Peter said, "The guy who sold it to me said it was delicious and erotic."

"What now?" John and Tyler both asked in unison a bit shocked and surprised.

"Peter, there's a naked man on this cake." Lois acknowledged in disgust.

"Why would buy that kind of cake for own one-year-old son's birthday party?" John questioned, "What are you, sick?"

"Hey, sorry, this was the only cake I could get." Peter argued, "Besides, there were only two left."

"I know I'm going to regret this, but what was the other cake?" Tyler asked with a slight sense of worry.

"Uh, trust me, you do not want the one of Al Roker with the Hershey Kiss nipples." Peter warned Tyler.

"Ugh! Okay, that's a disturbing image." Tyler shuttered, "I think I'm gonna be scarred for life for that."

"How about you come with me and get Stewie?" John insisted.

"Good idea." Tyler agreed, "Before I hear more disturbing things."

"Well, gather round, everyone." Lois told the party guests, "Once John and Tyler come back, it's time for Stewie's big moment."

The cult leader was outside the front yard of the house and ran toward the door. He knocked and the door opened just slightly.

"Hello?" The leader asked. "Is anybody home?"

Suddenly, the door slammed shut behind him, catching him by surprise. As he tried to go further, he heard scurrying noises from behind, making him more intense.

"Greetings, man in white." Stewie's voice was heard, "I've been expecting you."

"Who said that?" The leader asked in fear.

"Peek-a-boo! I see you!" Stewie's voice teased the man.

The leader turned to find a closet with a mirror on the front.

He then walked toward it.

"You're getting warmer." Stewie teased again.

He opened it and found a baby moniter hanging from the pole

"Where are you?" The man asked in fear, "What do you want?"

"Freedom!" Stewie responed through the moniter, "What do you want?"

"I want to get the hell out of here!" The cult leader shouted.

"Oh, I'm sorry. We're fresh out of that." Stewie informed him, "I'm afraid all we have left is an untimely death."

The leader turned as he still saw nothing else in the closet and closed the door, only to find Stewie's reflection in the mirror, which caused the man to turn around.

"What the hell is this?!" The leader exclaimed in cunfusion and fear.

"It's a boy!" Stewie answered as he pointed his ray gun toward him.

Just as Stewie was about to fire, John and Tyler came in and witnessed it.

"Hey, Stewie." Tyler called, "Time to have some cake."

"What the?" John exclaimed as he and Tyler both found Stewie threatening the man's life, "Hey, what are you do- Stop!"

John and Tyler then ran toward him and grabbed the gun away. They were now holding Stewie firmly.

"Alright, just what were you planning on doing to this here? Huh?" John questioned Stewie, "Tell me."

Stewie then remembered the gems in Tyler's pocket and reached out and tried to take one, but as soon as he touched one, it glowed and gave a powerful shockwave that pushed everyone back against the wall. It also blew back the gun Stewie was holding and triggered a laser to fire at the cult leader, who was just laying there.

Outside the house, an energy pulsing noise was heard, though no one seemed to notice.

"Hey, are John and Tyler still in the house?" Peter asked.

"Yeah. Where are they?" Meg asked.

John and Tyler then came out straining Stewie in their arms.

"Victory shall be mine!" Stewie said struggling to get out of John and Tyler's arms.

"Yes. And this cake is yours, too." Lois said affectionately to Stewie as she picked him up from John and Tyler's hands and brought him to the cake.

"Are you kidding me?" John remarked.

"Guess not." Tyler said, "Oh, well, cake!" Tyler dashed toward the table with everyone else. John joined them shortly.

"Stewie, make a wish." Tyler informed Stewie, "Blow out the candles and it'll come true- " Tyler then realized something obvious about this, "Wait."

"That's right, little buddy." Peter said to Stewie, "What do you want most in the whole world?"

"The whole world, you say?" Stewie acknowledged.

In his head, Adolf Hitler was giving a speech in Germany, which was then followed by whistling sounds of bombs falling were heard, as well as marching of troops, artillery going off and some explosions. John and Tyler were crossing theirs together, hoping Stewie would think differently.

"Oh, what the hell." Stewie remarked as he blew out the candle and a flash of light shined.

However, instead of what seemed like an endless war was now a disco, much to John and Tyler's surprise. Everyone, including John and Tyler, were dressed in disco attire. Actually, Tyler looked more like Elvis. Then everyone began to swing. After giving much thought, John and Tyler then shrug it off in defeat and join the others.

**The End.**


	4. Mind Over Murder

(A/N: Sorry about the long delay. I've been busy with work, as well as my co-writer being away for almost a week and I couldn't be able to write and publish this episode without him. So, please forgive me and enjoy.)

**Chapter 4: Mind Over Murder**

It was another normal day in Quahog. The Griffins, as usual, were watching TV.

The commercial they were watching was for Mentos, set in 1800s America. Abraham Lincoln was stepping out of his stagecoach, then the camera turned to his assassin, John Wilkes Booth, who was about to shoot Lincoln, but misses his chances. He looks up to see it to be the Ford Theatre. This gives Booth the idea to kill Lincoln in the theater and before he goes further, he takes a Mentos as a refreshment. In the theater, Linclon was already up at the balcony when Booth himself enters and run up the stairs. He reaches Lincoln from behind and points his gun directly at Lincoln's head. He fires, but hits the hat instead, catching Lincoln by surprise. Lincoln turns to find Booth standing there giving a grin. Lincoln doesn't seem to mind. Booth then shows his Mentos at the camera as part of the advertisement.

"Mentos." The announcer in the commercial said, "The Freshmaker."

It cuts back to the family.

"These commercials are stupid." Meg remarked.

"They certainly don't make me want a Mento." Lois agreed.

"Totally ineffective." Brian replied.

"Must. Kill. Lincoln." Peter said as if hypnotized and walked out of the room.

"He's already dead, Mr. Griffin!" Tyler called out to Peter, "Sorry!"

"Must. Kill. John and Tyler." Peter said again sounding hypnotized as he came back in, this time, with an axe.

"Yeah-Wait. WHAT?!" Tyler exclaimed in surprise.

**Opening Credits**

_It seems today that all ya see_

_Is violence in movies and sex on TV_

_But where are those good, old-fashioned values_

_On which we used to rely_

_Lucky there's a Family Guy!_

_Lucky there's a man who_

_Positively can do_

_All the things that make us_

_Laugh n' Cry_

_He's_

_a_

_Fam_

_-ily_

_Guy!_

**End**

It was late at night, where Lois was performing at a concert hall. She was wearing a black dress and finishing a piee on a piano. Everyone was applauding and cheering her on. Lois took a bow and saw Peter at the edge of the stage holding a bouquet of flowers and blew her a kiss. She waved back at him and was enjoying the moment. Then, out of nowhere, a baby bottle hits her from the back of her head and lands in a sink full of water as Lois snaps back into reality, where she was washing dishes.

"Blast you, woman!" Stewie yelled at Lois, "Awake from your damnable reverie!"

Lois sighed in disrelief, "Honey, I'm doing the dishes." Lois informed Stewie as she picked up the bottle from the water.

"Oh, well, a thousand pardons for disrupting your flatware sanitation ritual." Stewie sarcastically apologized to Lois, "But you see, I'm in searing pain!"

"Oh, you're just teething, Stewie." Lois explained, "It's a normal part of a baby's life."

"Very well then." Stewie responded, "I order you to kill me at once!"

"Oh, I know you're hurting." Lois said affectionately to Stewie, "But mommy has to clean the house, alright?"

"No, it's not alright!" Stewie protested and grabbed and shook Lois's blouse, "For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!"

Lois sighed again as Stewie kept shaking her by the shirt.

At a lake, Peter was fishing with the guys, including John, Tyler and Brian.

"Oh, man. This is the life." Peter proclaimed, "Hey, hand me one of them Pawtucker Patriots."

"Mr. Griffin, I think you've had enough to drink." Tyler warned Peter.

"Hey, I'll tell you when I've had enough." Peter drunkly shot back.

"You've had, like, 6 beers already." John pointed out.

"I'm going for 7 lucky." Peter explained.

"You can't make a sentence right now." Tyler stated.

"Yeah, well... You can't see without glasses." Peter shot back poorly.

"So can't you." Tyler pointed out.

"Just gimme the damn beer." Peter said as he swiped the beer from Tyler.

"Guys, guys." Peter said, "I-I want to say a toast to you, Quagmire, Cleveland..." He stopped after getting to Brian.

"Brian." Brian reminded Peter.

"Yeah, yeah." Peter hesitated, "And John and, uh... Taylor."

"Tyler." Tyler corrected.

"That's what I just said." Peter said.

"No, you called him Taylor." John informed him.

"Well, which is it?" Peter asked, "Tyler or Taylor?"

"It's Tyler." Tyler told him.

"Alright. Anyway, if-if you guys were beers, I would drink every one of you." Peter said as he crushed the can, "And I-I wish you were 'cause we're out."

They all laughed at Peter's joke.

"Oh, that's funny." The black, smooth-talking man named Cleveland complimented on Peter's comment, "That's even more humorous than that joke last night."

**Cutaway #1**

Peter, John, Tyler, Brian, Quagmire and Cleveland were at a bar, sitting at a table.

"Okay, so a Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar, right?" Peter says telling the joke, "Oh-Oh, wait a second."

Peter then looked to his left to make sure. He found a group of Jewish men. Then, he looked to his right and found a group of Chinese men.

"Okay, Jewish guy and a Chinese guy walk into a bar." Peter said going back to the first part of his joke acting as if in the clear, "And there's this naked priest sitting there. And he..." Peter's attention was cut short when he noticed something in front of him, "Oh, sorry, Father."

The others turned to look at who it was. Out of nowhere, they find a naked priest sitting right where Peter was looking.

"No, I've heard 'em all." The priest shrugged it off, almost seemingly flattered.

**End**

"Oh, look at the time." Cleveland said as he looked down at his watch, "I promised Loretta I was gonna trim the hedges and be tender with her."

"Believe me, Cleveland. O-Our wifes need some time off as much as we do." Peter proclaimed, "This is when Lois does all those little things that women like to do."

"Are you sure?" Tyler asked Peter a bit unconvinced.

The scene cuts back to the house, where Lois was unclogging the toilet. Soon after, she heard the car honk outside, alerting her that Peter and the boys have come home. She walked over to the mirror and neatened her hair which was a bit messy after doing household duties all day. She then walked down to the living room to greet the boys home, but picked up a pile of magazines that was lying on the chair and placed them on the coffee table where they were also neated as a stack.

"I'll be on your bed." Brian informed Peter as they walked in, "No calls."

"Hi, Mrs. Griffin." Tyler greeted Lois as he, John and Peter then came in the house, where Peter's feet was covered in mud and was tracking it on the carpet.

"Hi, Tyler." Lois replied, still bothered at Peter tracking in the house.

"Heya, Lois." Peter greeted Lois as he dropped his fishing equipment and rods on the floor and walked to Lois, "Look, I know you've been busy all day. So I took care of dinner." He then said as he placed a big cooler on the coffee table and knocked the magazines off.

"Really?" Lois asked somewhat convinced that Peter managed to prepare dinner for once.

"All you gotta do is gut it, clean it, scale it and cook it." Peter instructed her as he pulled out a large fish from the ice chest and showed it to Lois before giving her a kiss on the cheek.

"Do you want me and Tyler to give you a hand, Mrs. Griffin?" John asked Lois, give gave her a bit of relief that someone would help her out with dinner.

"Well, that would help a lot." Lois remarked, then turned her attention to Peter, "Peter, I spend all morning cleaning up the house and in 5 seconds, you and the boys turn it into low tide at the pier."

"We'll clean it up." Tyler told Lois, who got a feeling of relief.

"Thank you." Lois said.

"Aw, jeez. I'm sorry, honey." Peter apologized to Lois, "I-I'd help you clean it up. But, uh-uh, you know I am with housework. Remember when I tried doing laundry?"

**Cutaway #2**

Peter was doing laundry in the basement.

"Uh, let's see." Peter said looking in the dryer to look for any clothes inside, "Shirt, pants-Hey, hey, I'm missing another sock."

Peter then went into the dryer to try and retrieve the missing sock.

"Hey."

He then reached the end of the tunnel and fell out of a hole floating in midair, landing in the snow of a snow-covered landscape.

"Welcome to Narnia." A satyr greeted Peter, holding a sock, "I'm Mr. Tumnus."

"Hey, give me back my sock, you goat bastard!" Peter threatened the satyr recognizing the sock it was holding.

With no reply, the satyr then hi-tailed it out of there, leaving Peter in the snow.

"H-Hey!" Peter hollared at the thief.

**End**

"You're right." Lois agreed defeated, "It's better if I do it."

"AH! Damn it to the bowels of bloody hell!" Stewie shouted in pain from his room upstairs.

"Well, the baby's up." Lois sighed, "Can you get him?"

"Okay. I just hope he doesn't need changing." Peter said, "I'm a little gun-shy after what happened last time."

**Cutaway #3**

Peter is changing Stewie and is about to powder him. He, however, grabs the wrong thing on the table.

"No, no, no, you imbecile! That's not talc! That's paprika!" Stewie warned his father, but was ignored and was sprinkled with paprika, where he then exclaimed in pain.

"Take that!" Stewie said as he shot a pee stream at Peter.

**End**

"Alright, I'll do that, too!" Lois said frustrated, "Can you at least take Chris to his..." Lois paused when she noticed John and Tyler were still in the room.

"Oh." Lois said realizing John and Tyler's presence, "Uh, can you boys leave the room so me and Mr. Griffin could talk for a minute?"

"Sure, Mrs. Griffin." Tyler said, "But we don't know where to go. In fact, our room's practically the living room for the moment. Plus, I'm starting to get uncomfortable sleeping on the couch.

"I'm sorry, boys." Lois informed them, "But we just don't have any other rooms available."

"If I might make a suggestion." John spoke, "Why don't me and Tyler just move down into the basement?"

"The basement? Oh, I don't know." Lois said warily.

"Yeah, Lois. Why not?" Peter joined in on the conversation, "It could be just the place they need. Besides, it could finally allow me to watch early morning TV again."

**Cutaway #4**

Peter walked down the stairs and was wanting to watch TV. But he finds Tyler asleep on the couch. Peter then slowly tries to sit on the couch where Tyler's feet are at, but automatically gets up when Tyler starts to react. Then, Peter decides to try and wake Tyler up.

"Hey. Hey, Tyler? Tyler." Peter said to Tyler as he shook his shoulder, but still wasn't awake. "Tyler!" Peter repeated a little louder, which finally got Tyler up.

"Can I have the couch?" Peter asked Tyler.

"Sure." Tyler replied as he then collapsed onto the floor, "Goodnight."

"Goodnight." Peter greeted back as he sat on the couch and turned on the TV.

**End**

"Well..." Lois said, "I guess we can give it a try."

"Thank you, Mrs. Griffin." John said to Lois, "Me and Tyler promise you won't regret it."

John and Tyler then left the room.

(A/N: This was an idea suggested by D4lekCrusher. BTW D4lek, if you were wanting a subplot for my characters, well, this is it. Hope you like it.)

"As I was saying, Peter, can you take Chris to his game?" Lois asked Peter.

"Oh, jeez, Lois. I just spent all morning on a boat with my friends, John and Tyler included, drinking beer, telling jokes and screwing around." Peter argued, "How about a little me time?"

"Honey, I'm begging you. Just drop Chris at his soccer game and come right home." Lois told Peter as she sat on the couch with him, "I need you to look after Stewie while I'm teaching piano lessons, please!"

"Alright! Alright!" Peter said defeated, then wrapped his arm around Lois, "Huh. You know I spoil you."

Peter arived at the soccer game and sropped Chris off.

"Thanks for the ride, dad." Chris said to Peter as he got out.

"Alright." Peter responded, "Have fun, Chris."

"Hey, guys." A familiar voice called out to the trio. They looked and saw that it was Quagmire.

"Quagmire, what are you doing here?" Peter said to Quagmire.

"You don't have kids." Tyler said.

"Oh, you know, soccer moms." Quagmire said and pointed to a few soccer moms next to him, "Heh. Heh. Alright."

"Well, I'd like to hang around with you." Peter informed Quagmire, "But Lois needs me at home."

"I got beer." Quagmire tempted Peter as he pulled out a beer from a red cooler.

Peter gives a wide-eyed look.

"Boo, Lois!" Peter shouted swinging his shirt around him, "Yay, beer!"

"Same with Coke!" John cheered with Peter.

"You want some coke?" Tyler offered as he held out a tray with cocaine instead, "Oh, wait. Wrong coke."

Back at the house, Lois was teaching her student and was watching Stewie at the same time, waiting for Peter to come home.

"Sh-sh-shh, it's okay, Stewie." Lois gently shushed Stewie in her arms, then questioned in frustration, "Where the hell's Peter?"

The student finished playing the piece on the piano.

"That was good, Reuben." Lois praised her pupel, "Now play, uh, Brahms' _Lullaby_."

"Lullaby..." Lois sang the piece to her son, "...and good night."

"Oh, enough!" Stewie responded having had enough of it, "The only thing worse than the wretched pain in my mouth is the excrement spewing from yours!"

"Oh, I wish I could make the pain go away sooner." Lois affectionately told Stewie, "But I can't turn time forward."

"No, no! But perhaps I can!" Stewie proclaimed as he gained inspiration from Lois' statement, "Of course! I'll simply built a machine that can move time! I'll call it... A time machine." Then, he was interrupted shortly by a bad note.

"E-flat, SalierI!" Stewie instructed Lois' student, "E-flat!"

It then cuts back to Chris' soccer game, where Peter was sober again.

"Go, Chris!" Peter rooted to Chris as the latter just stood there, "Daddy loves ya! I-I mean that in a platonic way. I'm married."

One of the opposing players kicks the ball to Chris, who catches it.

"Hand ball!" The referee whistled and announced, "Penalty kick, blue!"

Chris drops the ball after hearing that.

"That's the 10th time today!" The man next to Peter shouted, "Nice grab, orca! Hey, get Moby Dick off the field before he burps up a license plate!"

"Hey, hey, hey, easy, fella. That's my kid." Peter told the man offended.

"Yeah. Apologize." John agreed.

"Okay." The man answered, "I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead, stinking, blue cheese fatass!" The man then knocked off Peter's beer from his hand.

"Hey, that's not cool!" Tyler said.

"Oh. Oh, yeah, that's it!" Peter exclaimed and knocked the man outcold.

"Way to go, dad!" Chris cheered his father.

A kid from Chris' team runs up to the man.

"Hey, you hit my mom!" The kid yelled at Peter.

"No, I hit your dad." Peter corrected the kid.

"Whoa. Stand back." A man beside Peter, John and Tyler informed everyone, "Give her some air."

"Y-You mean, 'Give him some air.'" Peter corrected the man, now a little confused.

"Call an ambulance." A woman suddenly appeared next to Peter, "She's going into labor."

"Y-You mean, 'He's going into labor.'" Peter tried to correct the woman calmly, but was now worried.

Then a baby is heard crying.

"Whoops." Peter acknowledged.

"Oops." John followed.

"Oh, crap." Tyler finished.

Later, Peter, John and Tyler were back at the house with Quagmire, Cleveland and Brian in the padio.

"I can't believe I punched a woman." Peter remarked about the incident.

"A pregnant woman." Brian added. Tyler snickered after hearing Brian.

"I just hope she accepts my peace offering." Peter exclaimed, "I sent her a little something for the baby."

"What did you give her?" Tyler asked Peter.

**Cutaway #5**

At the hospital, the woman Peter punched is sitting up in a hospital bed with her newborn baby next to her. She opens Peter's gift and reveals itself to be a jack-in-a-box. The woman then cranks the handle, where the Jack pops out and knocks her out.

**End**

"Eh, of course, I would've brought it over myself if I wasn't under house arrest." Peter acknowledged.

"Oh, you're just fortunate this is your first offense, Peter." Cleveland said.

"Yeah, no kidding. It could've been a lot worse if the cops knew about those other times I broke the law." Peter remarked.

"Like what?" John asked.

"Well, I was almost caught loitering." Peter said.

**Cutaway #6**

Peter is standing around a sidewalk whilst swishing his eyes back and forth suspiciously with a wall behind that had a sign reading, "No Loitering."

**End**

"And there was that time I took a whiz in public." Peter added.

**Cutaway #7**

Peter was doing exactly as he was in the previous cutaway, standing around. Only he was possibly peeing in a public pool.

**End**

"And that time I snuck into Wimbledon." Peter added again.

**Cutaway #8**

Peter, again, was doing the exact same thing, except now he was just watching the players hitting the ball back and forth.

**End**

"Heh. Well, me and Cleveland are gonna 'amscray.'" Quagmire informed Peter.

"W-W-Wait. You guys can't leave me here alone." Peter said.

"Why don't you come with us?" Cleveland suggested.

"Aw, I can't leave the premises." Peter explained to them as he puts down his beer, lifted up his right leg and pulled the pant sleeve away to show the bracelet, "They're monitoring my every move."

**Cutaway #9**

A surveilence officer is monitoring Peter, where the screen is actually _Pong_.

**End**

Peter was imitating what was displayed earlier, by running back and forth between the couch and the TV.

"Oh, I gotta get outta here! I gotta get outta here! I gotta get outta here!" Peter shouted.

"There's my little house husband." Lois sweetly stated, "It's been so wonderful having you home all week." She then gave Peter a kiss on the cheek.

"Oh, thanks, honey." Peter said to Lois, "But, uh, I just don't know how you stand it being in the house all day. I mean, I-I'm so bored, I can't even watch TV anymore. All the shows are starting to run together."

It then showed a program to prove Peter's point.

"The following program contains adult content and is brought to you by the letter 'H'." The announcer on the TV said for _Homicide: Life on the Street_, only it had a catch.

In the show, at an apartment, a phone next to a bed rings and the person sleeping underneath it's sheets reaches for it and answers.

"Hello?" The voice resembled that of Bert from _Sesame Street_. The person rises sitting up, revealed to actually be Bert, with Ernie lying next to him, "Ugh. Son of a bitch. I'm on my way."

Bert hang up the phone after that.

"Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's." Bert informed Ernie about the new case whilst getting of bed nude and getting dressed. He then takes a gulp of whiskey.

"Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert." Ernie acknowledged to Bert.

"Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed!" Bert shouted.

"Bert, you're shouting again, Bert." Ernie said scared.

Bert shrugs it off in annoyance.

Cuts back to Peter and Lois.

"I know you can't understand what I'm going through, Lois." Peter said to Lois going back to his point, "I mean, all the stuff that makes you happy, you know, like cooking and cleaning, is right here in the house just waiting."

Lois then snatches Peter's empty beer can in anger.

"You are one lucky-" Peter was about to say, but was cut off by John and Tyler covering his mouth shut.

"Good job." Brian said.

"Peter, I don't do those things because I enjoy them." Lois pointed it out to Peter, "I do them because I love my family."

Peter laughed immature at Lois' statement.

"Lois loves her family. Lois loves her family." Peter teased Lois, "'Lois and her family sitting in a tree-" He was cut off again by John who smacked him in the back of the head to stop him. Peter then rubbed the back of his head and looked at Lois.

"See, Lois, the guys would've found that hilarious." Peter said.

"Hey, Peter, if you want, you could help me and Tyler set our stuff in the basement." John offered to Peter.

"Yeah." Tyler agreed.

"Uh, yeah, sure." Peter said.

"Why don't I go buy some groceries and make us a nice romantic dinner while you're helping John and Tyler set up into their new room?" Lois insisted, "You know, like when we were dating?"

"Yeah, that sounds cool." Tyler said.

"It sure is." Peter responded, affirming that he agrees.

Lois leaves the room to get dinner ready.

"Wonder what the guys are up to?" Peter wondered.

**Cutaway #10**

Cleveland and Quagmire were at the local pool. They decided to try what Peter did.

"Oh, that's nasty." Cleveland acknowleged.

**End**

Peter was at the basement door with John and Tyler. John was holding a medium sized box, while Tyler looked as if he was holding a very object off screen.

"Okay, are you guys ready?" Peter asked the boys.

"Mr. Griffin, a little help?" Tyler said struggling.

"Tyler." John asked Tyler.

"What?" Tyler said.

"That's a shoe box." John told him.

Tyler looks to find that it was a show box, much to his embarassment.

"Well, that's a little humiliating." Tyler remarked, then tossed the box and picked up another one that seemed easier for him to carry.

"What's in there?" John asked Tyler.

"My emeralds." Tyler answered whispering as he showed his friend all seven emeralds inside. He then closed it up to hide them from Peter.

"Okay, let's go." Peter told them.

They then walked down the stairs, but everything began to go dark.

"Uh, where's the damn pull string?" Peter wondered.

Peter managed to find it and pulled it to turn on the lights and revealed a small spider hanging from its, catching Peter by surprise.

"It's just a little spider." Tyler pointed out.

"Yeah, you never know what you're gonna find down here." Peter remarked.

"Like that?" Tyler asked.

"Like what?" John and Peter then asked him in unison.

"That." Tyler said, pointing to a giant spider on the upper corner of the basement.

"Hey, everybody. How ya all doin'?" The spider greeted them.

(A/N: The spider is voiced by Mike Henry. Think of it like the bee from "It Takes a Village Idiot and I Married One," and the Xenomorph from the _Aliens _cutaway in "Peter's Daughter's.")

John and Tyler screamed and ran out of the room in panic. As it surprises Peter also, he trips and tumbles to the end of the stairs on the floor with John and Tyler's personal things on top of him. Peter manages to sit back up and then heard a strange voice.

"Peter!" The voice said, calling out to him, then revealed itself to be the Pawtucker Patriot.

"Hey! Hey, you're the Pawtucker Patriot." Peter acknowledged at who it was.

"Verily." The Pawtucker Patriot responded, "Come hither and give heed."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, I don't swing that way, pal." Peter rejected at thinking it was sexual, "Look, I got a date with my female wife. I just came down to help my housemates set up this basement into their room and get the beers out after that."

"Why spent time with your wife?" The Pawtucker Patriot questioned him, "If you build a bar in this basement instead and stock it with plenty of frosty Pawtucker Patriots, your friends will come down here for a beer as well."

"Build a bar." Peter said fascinated, "That's a great idea!"

After Peter accepts the idea, the Pawtucker Patriot then disappears.

"W-W-Wait. One last question." Peter shouted to the Pawtucker Patriot who came back after hearing his call, "If I walk through you, does that mean, like, we've done it?"

The Pawtucker Patriot disappeared before he answered, then finally said, "Jeez. What's with you and the gay jokes?"

A montage plays of Peter building the bar instead of setting up John and Tyler's new room and Lois getting her and Peter's dinner ready. Peter begins building the bar. Lois comes home with the groceries to make dinner. Peter thens screws the legs on the stools. Lois puts a roast in the oven. Peter is now in the bathroom reading the paper. The roast is done and Lois pulls it out. Peter falls asleep while still in the bathroom. Lois then makes the finishing touches to her romantic evening with Peter. Peter finishes the bar, but notices the word "olde" on the sign and changes it to "old" instead. Lois is still waiting for Peter to show up and after she looks at her watch, Lois gives up. Tyler appears and blows out the candle, catching Lois by surprise.

"There we go." Tyler said.

"Oh. Hi, boys." Lois said a bit started, then put on a calm look for John and Tyler, "Are you both enjoying your new room?"

"Actually, we haven't been able to work on the basement." Tyler admitted.

"What?" Lois exclaimed, "Then what have you two been doing all this time?"

"Waiting for that huge spider to leave." John responded, "That's what."

"I'm not one of those passive-agressive arachnids whose main interest is to kill the nearest thing they see." The giant spider reasoned, "I was just minding my own business with my big, silky webs when you boys showed up."

"Get out." John and Tyler ordered the spider.

"Alright. Bye, y'all." The spiders greets them goodbye and leaves the room.

"Well, that's one problem solved." Tyler remarked.

Back in the basement, Peter was wiping the counter of his new bar when the door opens.

"Peter, where the hell have you been?" Lois asked Peter irritated as she, John and Tyler walked down the staircase, "We had a date."

"And you were supposed to be helping us." John reminded Peter.

"Not cool, man." Tyler said, "Not cool."

"Aw, sorry, everyone." Peter said, "I must've lost track of the time."

"Whaddya ya say, 'uh?" Peter then showed them his new bar, "You think the guys will like it?"

"This is why you missed our dinner?" Lois questioned him, "To make a bar for your friends instead of a bedroom for John and Tyler?"

"Shame." Tyler said to Lois' question.

"Yeah, isn't it great?" Peter said, glad that his new bar is ready for business, "Oh, boy, I feel just like Tim Allen; I build stuff and I have a criminal record." Peter then did the "Macho grunt" from Allen's show _Home Improvement_. Just then, Tim Allen himself then pops up from the right of the screen with a straw in his right hand and snorts the scene, which then showed a bunch of men in the basement.

"Okay, okay, okay, guys. I got another one." Peter told his friends as he was getting ready for another joke, "What's the difference between pornography and art?"

"Here it comes." Quagmire chuckled.

"A government grant." Peter finished the joke, making the guys laugh.

"Oh, Peter, you are in the zone." Cleveland complimented on Peter's streak.

Upstairs, Lois was busy washing a dozen dishes and beer mugs. Peter then appeared next to her.

"Hey, uh, honey, you know those little clam cakes you make whenever we have company?" Peter asked Lois, "I need about a dozen of those-um, you know, actually, better make it 600."

"That's it, Peter!" Lois shouted, having had enough, "I'm not your servant and I'm through taking care of you and your bar buddies!" Lois then stormed off.

"Jeez." Peter remarked, "Where the hell did that come from?" Peter then walked in her direction.

They walked into the living room, where Meg, Chris, John and Tyler were watching TV and Stewie was working on his new invention.

"Watch the kids." Lois told Peter as she was going upstairs, "I'm taking a hot bath."

"Aahh, put me down, you blunderbuss." Stewie yelled at Peter whom picked him up.

"He' a little cranky from teething." Meg explained as she held Stewie.

"Oh, I can fix that." Peter responded.

Peter then swished the whiskey in Stewie's mouth to ease the pain.

"Good Lord, man!" Stewie exclaimed in disgust, "One can only imagine what foul regions that finger has erstwhile probed."

"I can imagine some places." Tyler said as he quickly realized something, "No, Don't! Never mind!"

"There ya go." Peter said, "My mother used to use whiskey whenever I had a toothache."

**Cutaway #11**

It showed a young Peter wearing a white shirt and blue overalls. He had his hand on his cheek.

"My tooth hurts!" Peter told his mother, who was off-screen.

Suddenly, a whiskey bottle is thrown and shatters after making contact with a nearby wall.

**End**

"There." Peter said as he pulled his finger out of Stewie's mouth, "How's that feel?"

"Well, it's, it's, it's..." Stewie was about to say, but was immediately intoxicated, "It's delightful."

"Mr. Griffin, whiskey doesn't cure a toothache." Tyler informed Peter, "That's old school."

"Okay, smart guy." Peter replied back, "What do you suggest?"

"These!" Tyler answered as he pulled out a bottle of pills.

"How's that supposed to help ease Stewie's teething?" Meg asked Tyler.

Tyler just took a look at the bottle for 4 or 5 seconds.

"Medical science is surprising." Tyler finally answered.

Upstairs, Lois was already enjoying her bath and had another fantasy playing in her head. It was the concert again, where the audience was now applauding after Lois' performance.

"Thank you." Lois greeted her fans, "Thank you very much."

Lois was about to get off the stage, when Peter stopped her.

"Lois, you are a wonderful woman." Peter told to her as he gave her a hug, "Words cannot express the depths of my gratitude and love for you."

"Oh, Peter!" Lois said flattered by Peter's words as they embraced once more with a kiss, where fireworks also go off.

It cuts back to reality as Lois goes over the other side of the tub to turn off the faucet. She looks to her left and exclaims in embarassment as she finds a man urinating in the toilet.

"Hey, you must be Lois." The man said.

The basement was packed with people as Peter was serving drinks at the bar and Meg was bringing men their drinks.

"No, no, not silicone. Silicon." Stewie drunkenly corrected to a blonde woman in a red dress, "And the design of the device is quite ingenious if I do say so myself, Misty. What a delightful moniker."

"You see, Misty..." Stewie broke out a giggle after saying the patron's name while drawing the schematics on a napkin, "...my time manipulator employs axioms from the quantum theory of molecular propulsion." Stewie was about to add more design in the blueprints when the tips of his pencil breaks, "I've broken my pencil!"

"I have a _Barney _pen in my purse." Misty offered to Stewie.

"You are spectacular!" Stewie complimented.

Lois then enters the basement in a pink bathrobe with a matching pink towel wrapped around her head and came down the stairs and found Chris at the last step.

"Chris, what are you doing here?" Lois asked Chris.

"Sorry, mom." Chris said to Lois, "I'm gonna need to see some ID."

"Chris, go to your room!" Lois ordered Chris as the latter hung his head in shame and walked up the stairs.

"Hello, mother." A drunken Stewie greeted Lois from behind, "Care to partake in one of your oh-so-exhilarating games of peekaboo?"

"Oh, my God! My baby is drunk!" Lois exclaimed in horror as she picked up Stewie.

"No, I'm not!" Peter said from behind before realizing who she was referring to, "Oh, him? Yeah, yeah, he's a real lightweight."

"Meg, take Stewie upstairs." Lois ordered Meg and handed her Stewie.

"'Show me the way to go home.' Everbody!" Stewie sung intoxicated as Meg was taking him back upstairs, "'I'm tired and I want to go to bed' Just the woman!"

"Peter, in the 17 years that we've been married, I have NEVER been as angry as I..." Lois expressed in anger when she noticed her piano by a couple of tables, "What is my piano doing down here?"

"Well, it was supposed to be a clam cake buffet, but, uh..." Peter was explaining until Lois gave him a stern face, "...Uh, never mind."

"That does it, Peter." Lois said, "Either this bar goes or I do!"

"Aw, Lois, I-I haven't even told you the other reason your piano's down here." Peter lied to keep his bar, "I. I, uh... Wanted you to play it. You know, like it was an instrument."

He looked at her and she was still very upset.

"I'm telling you the truth." Peter said, "Right, guys?"

The men then agreed.

"Come on!" One of the men got up and said.

"Oh, no, no, I couldn't." Lois said flattered soon after.

"Come on!" Another man insisted.

"How about just one song and you all go?" John suggested.

The men all agreed to John's proposal.

"Well... Maybe one song." Lois agreed.

"Pretend you like it no matter how bad it stinks." Peter warned them.

Lois gave a chuckle and went to the piano and began playing it, then started singing.

_You'll never know_

_Just how much I love you_

Lois then got up and left the piano playing to a nearby man in a white tuxedo.

_You'll never know_

_Just how much I care_

Lois then removed the towel that was on her head, revealing her still wet hair as she swished it around a couple of times. This started to get the guys' attention, though John and Tyler were starting to become very uncomfortable.

_And if I try_

_I still couldn't hide my love for you_

Lois now unstrapped the belt of her robe, causing John and Tyler to develop a sign of fear. They soon immediately covered their eyes as Lois then removed her robe, but were relieved to find she was wearing a nightgown underneath.

_You oughta know for ha_...

"Uh. O-Okay, guys. T-Thank you." Peter nervously said during the song trying to get their attention off Lois, "You can stop pretending now."

_If there is some other way _

_To prove that I love you_

_I swear I don't know_

Lois then layed on her stomache in a very sexy pose.

Peter then backed up toward the bar, where John, Tyler and Brian were there.

"Something troubling you, Peter?" Brian asked Peter.

"Oh, no. Nothing." Peter answered, "Just all my friends are eye-humping my wife."

_You'll never know_

_If you don't know now_

All the men then cheered and gave a big round of applause when she finished. Peter, however, was not so alright about it.

The next morning, the family (except Peter) was having breakfast, but Lois was still enjoying last night.

"It was absolutely amazing!" Lois professed, "The second that spotlight hit me, I became a whole different person!"

"Silence, you contemptible shrew!" Stewie shouted at Lois while recovering from his late-night hangover.

"Aw, I bet your gums are still sore." Lois said comforting Stewie.

"I'm pretty sure he's just sore from a hangover." Tyler corrected.

"Oh, you two are so observant, aren't you?" Stewie sarcastically replied, "Are you detectives?"

"I got a Sherlock Holmes costume." Tyler replied, "Does that count?"

"YES, MY GUMS AND HEAD ARE SORE!" Stewie shouted.

"Oh. SHOULD I START TALKING LOUDER FROM NOW ON?!" Tyler asked Stewie.

"NOOO!" Stewie answered.

"Okay..." Tyler replied and went back to his breakfast.

"Ugh, enough of this!" Stewie said, "I must complete my time machine, move time forward, and end this agony!"

Peter walks in to find the family having breakfast.

"Hey, dad." Chris said to Peter, "Mom says she was really on last night."

"Oh, uh, yeah, about that, uh." Peter stuttered, trying to make sure Lois doesn't find him jealous, "Lois, see, the guys were just being polite, you know? They-they thought your singing was too, um, eh."

"I was just nervous." Lois confessed still thinking about last night, "Tonight'll be better."

"Tonight? Uh, honey, I don't think anyone's gonna come back tonight." Peter informed.

Everyone, however, DID return and Lois was now singing as the bar's own swooner.

_Gimme, gimme, gimme_

_Ya know what I cry for_

Peter was at the bar, forced to watch his own wife being admired by other men.

"'Uh, honey, I don't think anyone's gonna come back tonight.'" John said imitating what Peter said earlier as he popped up from under the bar with tired eyes.

"Go back to bed." Peter ordered John.

John went back under the bar, where it's shown that he and Tyler were sleeping under there.

_You know you got the brand of kisses_

_That I die for!_

"Oh, this one takes me back." Cleveland said nostalgically.

"Now that's a woman!" Quagmire exclaims at what sounded like that of Lois, but was really doing a guessing game with a doctor showing him random images. "That's a house. That's a fish. That's a bee!"

_You know you made me love you_

"I love you." Lois said and blew a kiss to her admirers, who gave applause, "Thank you. Thank you. Johnny Muldoon, ladies and gentlemen."

Muldoon takes a bow as Lois was taking a sip of water.

"You know, I was born in a little town called Quahog-" Lois said, but was soon interrupted by one of the fans.

"We love you, Lois!" The fan told her.

Lois gives a light laugh, "Let me finish the story, fellas. You don't want to be up all night... Or do you?"

"'Or do you?'" Peter said imitating Lois in a jealous way as a man came up to the bar.

"She's a smokin' little pistol, isn't she?" The patron said.

"Are you a woman?" Peter asked.

"No." The man answered.

Peter then punches the man in the face, knocking him out.

The next day, Brian was sitting on the porch reading the paper when Peter stepped out of the house.

"Ah, my house arrest is over, Brian. Round up the guys." Peter said in convidence to Brian as he was spinning his collar on his finger, "Now that I'm a free man, we can do anything we want."

"Ooo. There's only one thing the guys wanna do, Peter." Brian informed Peter, "And that's ogle your wife. I tell ya, if Lois were my woman, I'd keep an eye on her. Then again, I'm the jealous type."

Later that day, Peter and Lois were shopping at Stop 'n Shop.

"Wow! Lois Griffin! Hey, I love your act." A man said to Lois recognizing her, "Nice melons."

"Hey, listen, pal-" Peter threatened the man, but was cut off by Lois.

"Peter, I'm holding melons." Lois informed Peter as she was carrying two melons. Peter then dropped his guard seeing this.

"And her hooters ain't so bad, either!" The man said again.

"Now hang on a second there-" Peter threatened again.

"Peter, I'm holding someone's hooters while they're in the restroom." Lois informed Peter again, this time with actual hooters (owls) on her left arm.

"Oh, sorry." Peter apologizes after realizing this.

"No problem." The man said back, then said, "Your wife's hot!"

"Alright! That's it!" Peter shouted and pointed at the man who was now running off, "Lois, your singing days are over. For God's sake, if I wanted to marry Lola Falana, I would have."

**Cutaway #12**

We see a young Peter somewhere around his 20s with what appears to be Lola Falana in her dressing room crying, presuming that Peter was breaking up with her.

"Look, Lola. This whole thing's just going way too fast for me." Peter reasoned with Lola until.

"For the last time, I'm not Lola! I'm Leslie Uggams!" The singer informed Peter as she threw a vase at him, which missed and had him running.

**End**

"Peter, having me sing was your idea in the first place." Lois reminded Peter.

"Hey, hey, hey! I just wanted to keep my bar." Peter explained, "The whole reason I built that thing was so that my friends would come to see me, not you."

"Is that so?" Lois questioned, "Well, let me tell you something. I love singing! And I will continue singing! And... Oh, how dare you upset me this close to showtime." She then ran off in tears.

"Lois." Peter called out to Lois, but was stopped by a passing shopping cart, "Ow. Hey, hey, watch where you're goin', buddy."

It was revealed to be the woman that Peter punched at Chris' soccer game, holding her baby.

"Griffin!" The woman exclaimed seeing who she hit, "I've got a bone to pick with you." She then moved forward toward Peter, making him backup.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, listen, pal." Peter said, "I don't want any more trouble."

"Thanks to your wife, my husband hasn't been home all week!" The mother informed Peter as other womemn joined her.

"That singing hussy is destroying our marriages!" One of the woman said.

All the other women agreed.

"Oh, yeah, well, then do something about it." Peter dared them, "Come down to my basement tonight and drag your husbands outta there yourselfs."

"Maybe we will." The woman in the orange sweater said.

"Yeah!" The soccer mom agreed while she was brestfeeding her baby.

Peter saw it and then tried to block out what he was seeing, "Aw, jeez, fella. Can't you take that outside?"

Later that night, the basement was packed again with people, mostly of Lois' admirers. Lois was now about to perform.

"This next number is dedicated to my very supportive husband, Peter." Lois announced to the audience, which got Peter's attention.

"Hit it!" Lois shouted to the nearby orchestra, who then immediately began playing and she then began singing.

_Don't tell me not to fly_

_I simply gotta_

_If someone takes a spill_

_It's me and not you_

_Don't bring around a cloud_

_To rain on my parade_

"Oh, boy." Peter exclaimed at what Lois was doing, "Lois is pretty pissed, huh?"

"Yes, your judgement lately has been rather..." Brian said, but paused to think, "Well, you have crappy judgement, anyway." He then took a sip from his martini.

John was tossing and turning trying to sleep unsuccessfully sleep thanks to the music playing. He then got up, having had enough.

"Mr. Griffin, can you please get Mrs. Griffin to quiet it down a bit?" John asked Peter from under the counter, "Some people are trying to sleep down here. And I thought Tyler's snoring was unbearable."

Tyler then started snoring as if on cue. John then punched him in the face simply out of annoyance. Tyler then snored louder and John pucnhed him again.

"SEE?!" John shouted.

"Look, I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do about it." Peter explained, "If I ask them to stop, I'll end up losing this bar."

"Ugh. Forget it. No wonder she's mad at you." John yelled defeated as he went back to sleep.

Stewie was strapped in a bouncer complaining about his predicament.

"Oh, this is intolerable!" Stewie complained, "This foolishness is preventing me from completing work on my... Egads!" Stewie then gasped as he soon noticed the blueprints to his time machine was laying on the floor in front of him, "The blueprints for my time machine! Those are for my eyes only!" But the napkin ended up getting stepped on by a passing stranger and peeled off and drifted coincidentally toward Lois, who was still singing.

"Thank you." Lois said as she took the drifting napkin out of midair and looked at it, "Aww, look everyone, Stewie drew a picture for his mommy."

"No!" Stewie yelled as he tried to get out of his bouncer, but Lois got him out and took him on stage with her.

"Hold up the picture." Cleveland said, "Let's see."

"No, nono! Nothing to see here!" Stewie said trying to get them uninterested, but they still wanted to see.

Lois then showed them all the full blueprints of the proposed time machine.

"Oh, how cute." One man awed, "It's a time machine!"

Suddenly, it soon cutted to John finally asleep underneath the counter of the bar when his eyes immediately burst wide-open as if on cue followed by the sound effect of glass breaking to add more into the joke right after hearing the man saying the words "time machine."

"What's that now?" John asked as he quickly rose up from behind the bar, now wanting to know what the man meant.

"No! No, no! It's a..." Stewie said, then paused to think of what to say, "Blast, what the devil do children draw? It's a pheasant!"

"A time machine." One of a trio of men said took the napkin away from Lois and started analyzing it, "Well, sure. Here's where the flux capacitor goes."

"Aw, I can't wait to build one of these of my own." Another man from the same group said.

"I'll not stand idly by while you abrogate my plans." Stewie said to the men viewing the blueprints, "You shall rue this day." He then crossed his arms waiting for something to happen, "Well, go on! Start ruing!" After that, he then scurried off.

"Bye-bye, Stewie." Lois greeted Stewie, "Mommy will be upstairs to kiss you good night."

"BURN IN HELL!" Stewie sweared at her as he scurried up the stairs.

"Hell?" Lois said to herself, "Hell has fire. But you know what else?"

She then tore off her dress to reveal a blue top and red shorts. Then she started singing.

_It's got fsssss steam heat_

_I got fsssss steam heat_

_I got fsssss steam heat_

_But I need your love to keep away the cold_

_I got_-

"Alright, break it up!" The soccer mom announced as she and the wives finally arrived.

John then snatched the blueprints-written napkin away while the men holding it were distracted. They didn't seem to notice that John had taken it. "I'll take this." He then runs back to the bar to take a closer look at the paper.

Back to the situation with Lois.

"What's going on here?" Lois asked.

"Your little peep show is over!" The soccor mom told her, "We're taking back our men!"

"Peep show?" Lois exclaimed in confusion lookind down at her outfit, "I just do this for fun. Look, all day long I scrub and cook and take care of my kids and nobody cheers. No one even says thank you. But when the band starts playing and the music's flowing through me, I feel, I don't know, special. I guess you all think that's pretty silly."

"Not at all." The soccer mom responded shedding a tear.

"You didn't tell us that part!" A orange-shirted woman said pointing at Peter.

"*snores* No. *snores* He didn't. *snores louder*" Tyler said in his sleep underneath the counter.

Peter then stepped back, hoping to get away.

"Peter." Lois said to Peter, "You're behind all this?"

"Yes and you'll never catch me!" Peter announced, then laughed maniacally as he turned a secret lever activating a turning bookcase, only it went the wrong way and trapped Peter between the wall repeatingly.

"I bet he also didn't tell you he never helps me around the house." Lois informed the other wifes, "Or takes me out to dinner. Or notices when I get my hair done."

The wifes agreed with her, including the soccer mom. "My husband's the same way." She said putting her arm on Lois' shoulder.

"So's mine." The wife in the orange-shirt replied.

The bar was now filled with both men and their wifes. Quagmire, however, was smoking and starting to get bored.

"D'oh, this place is full of dead pigeons." Quagmire remarked as he inhales his cigarette, "I'm gonna go grab some ozone." He then flicked his still-lit cigarette into a nearby trash can and then set the flammable trash inside on fire. Quagmire then zooms in close and realizes what he's done, "Uh, hey, hey, Peter! There's a king in the cards!"

"They saw my blueprints! Even one of the simpletons!" Stewie said to himself in worry, "What a grevious breach of security! Damn! What to do? Wait for it... Wait for it!" Stewie thought for a moment, then shouted, "Yes! Instead of moving time forward to bypass this wretched teething, it might just be possible to reverse time's heady flow and undo ever drawn those damnable blueprints."

"You'll never get away with this!" A voice said from a man tied to a pole with a woman behind him.

"SILENCE!" Stewie shushed the man.

"Oh." The man gulped.

Back in the basement, Peter was trying to counsel Lois while Quagmire tried to put out the fire in the trash can, but everytime he did, the flames only got bigger.

"Lois, you make it sound like I don't appreciate you at all." Peter said to Lois.

"Peter, when was the last time you told me you love me?" Lois questioned Peter of his love.

"Oh, you know I do." Peter reassured her.

"I wanna hear it." Lois told Peter.

"Is that what this is all about?" Peter asked.

"Run for your lives!" Quagmire warned everyone as he then gave up and ran out of there. Everyone else followed.

"Ah, jeez!" John exclaimed in panic and went over to the bar to wake up Tyler, "Tyler, get up! We gotta get out of here!"

Unfortunately, Tyler was a heavy sleeper. So, John slapped him real hard in hopes of waking his best friend up.

"I'M AWAKE! I'M AWAKE!" Tyler shouted finally getting up and then took a whiff, "Hey, is something burning?"

"Yeah! The whole basement's on fire!" John informed Tyler.

"Oh, that's good-" Tyler said before realizing what John told him, "Wait. That's NOT good!"

Tyler then started running around in circles whilst shouting, "We're gonna die!" multiple times before John grabbed him and made their way to the stairs.

"Holy crap!" Peter exclaimed as he went to retrieve the fire exstinguisher, but accidentally threw it at the flames as it was steaming hot when he touched it. It causes an explosion and a burning support beam falls and blocks the stairs before Peter and Lois can escape, leaving them trapped. John and Tyler were on the other side where they were able to escape, but couldn't help the Griffins.

"There's no way out!" Lois exclaimed.

John then thought of something, "I got it!" He said and went up the stairs.

"J-man, where are you going?" Tyler asked John, but the latter was already gone.

Back in the living room, Stewie was just about to activate the time machine.

At last! My time device is complete!" Stewie said triumphantly, "Just one final-"

Before he could do anthing, John quickly picked up the device.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Stewie asked John.

"Saving your parents." John answered.

Meanwhile, Tyler was still in the basement with Peter and Lois.

"Ah, jeez. We're screwed!" Peter said as he and Lois embraced, "Look, I promise if we get out of this alive, I'm gonna help around the house and say "I love you" everyday."

"You mean it?" Lois asked Peter.

"Oh, I'm a changed man, Lois." Peter assured Lois, "A better man. And to think if I ahdn't taken Chris to his soccer game, I-I never would've learned this valuable lesson."

This gave Tyler an idea and rushed upstairs to tell John.

"J-man!" Tyler called to John, "Set it to Chris' soccer game!"

"What?" John exclaimed, "Why?"

"Because Mr. Griffin just said that that's where all this started." Tyler explained.

"Wait a minute. The simpletone is absolutely right!" Stewie soon agreed with Tyler's theory, "Well, go on! Take us back!"

John then pulled the switch and everything then began to go back in time, going all the way to where Lois was begging Peter to take Chris to his soccer game, much to Stewie's delight and John and Tyler's surprise.

"Honey, I'm begging you. Just drop Chris at his soccer game and come right home." Lois told Peter as she sat on the couch with him, reenacting what happened before, "I need you to look after Stewie while I'm teaching piano lessons, please!"

"Alright! Alright!" Peter said defeated, then wrapped his arm around Lois, "Huh. You know I spoil you."

But just as he was about to leave, Peter trips and lands on Stewie's time machine, crushing it.

"Ow, my foot! I can't walk!" Peter lied pretending to be hurt as an excuse to avoid Lois' favor, "I guess you'll have to take Chris yourself, hehehehehe."

"Ahh, my device!" Stewie exclaimed in disappointment at his device's demise, then turned to John and Tyler, "You fools will pay for thi- Ahh, my teeth!" He slapped his hands to his cheeks as his first tooth popped out.

"I'm free! Free!" The tooth exclaimed in victory, "I claim this mouth in the name of Incisor!"

"I think not!" Another tooth popped up said to Incisor.

"Bicuspid!" Incisor gasped after seeing who it was, "We meet again!"

"Have at you!" Bicuspid shouted.

"En garde!" Incisor announced.

However, both teeth were stuck to one place and couldn't fight each other. After an awkward moment, Bicuspid then spoke.

"Well, shall we bite the tongue, then?" He suggested.

"On three." Incisor agreed, "One, two..."

Stewie then shouted in pain once more.

"Holy cow!" John exclaimed in astonishment, "I can't believe it worked!"

"Cool!" Tyler replied.

"Well, am I glad that's over..." John remark as he placed his hands on his hips and felt something paper-like in his pocket. He then puts his hand in and finds the blueprints to the original time machine were still with him at the time they went back in time.

"What the? Oh, man. I forgot I still had this." John said to himself.

He then remembered that Stewie would've been the one to use it for his own purposes and decided to just keep it a secret from everyone, including Tyler, as he placed it back in his pocket and walked away.

(A/N: This will become crucial in a later chapter.)

**The End**


	5. A Hero Sits Next Door

**Chapter 5: A Hero Sits Next Door**

It was another day in the Griffin house. Nothing special or anything.

In the living room, Stewie was busy reading.

"Oh, Machiavelli!" Stewie said as the book he was reading was revealed to be Machiavelli's _The Prince_, "You've told me nothing I don't already know!" Stewie then tossed the book away in frustration at not finding anything essential to his interests.

"Ah." Stewie exclaimed as he opened up another novel in intrigue, "Sun Tzu's _The Art of War_."

"Stewie. those books aren't for babies." Lois said to Stewie as she came in and took his books away, "Here. Watch the _Teletubbies_." She turned on the TV and left Stewie alone to watch.

"How dare you!" Stewie said, "That book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind..." His eyes then turned to the TV and immediately, he was entranced, "Oh, fuzzy."

On the TV, the Teletubbies were seen playing around a meadow.

"God. The more I resist, the more intriguing they become!" Stewie said struggling to look away, "I can't look away!"

Back on the TV, the Teletubbies were letting a butterfly fly away, where a rainbow flew over them.

"Yes! Yes! Again! Again! Oh, dear God, please once more!" Stewie proclaimed.

Peter and Tyler then came in the room.

"Aw, sorry, Stewie." Peter said to Stewie, who was still watching TV, "_A&amp;E Biography_ is doing the life of the other guy from Wham."

"I hate _A&amp;E_." Tyler said, "I wanna watch _The Twilight Zone_. There's a really good episode on!"

"Tyler, you know the rules." Peter reminded Tyler.

"Aw, not the rules again." Tyler complained.

"Tyler." Peter said, "What are the rules?"

"Always let Mr. Griffin watch his show before I watch my show." Tyler explained.

"There you go." Peter responded.

"I'm free!" Stewie exclaimed in victory.

"Free from what?" Tyler asked Stewie.

"Free from the spell of those diabolical Teletubbies!" Stewie explained.

"Since when can the Teletubbies do mind-control?" Tyler asked, but no one answered.

Stewie turned to Tyler and thanked him, "When the world is mine, you and the incompetent one's deaths shall be quick and painless."

"Aw, I wanted my death to be slow and painful." Tyler said in disappointment.

"Then it shall be when the time comes." Stewie then responded as he walked away.

"Fair enough." Tyler remarked.

**Opening Credits**

_It seems today that all ya see_

_Is violence in movies and sex on TV_

_But where are those good, old-fashioned values_

_On which we used to rely_

_Lucky there's a Family Guy!_

_Lucky there's a man who_

_Positively can do_

_All the things that make us_

_Laugh n' Cry_

_He's_

_a_

_Fam_

_-ily_

_Guy!_

**End**

At the Happy-Go-Lucky toy factory, everyone was busy with work, as usual, when Mr. Weed walked in.

"Attention, please." Mr. Weed said to the employees, "Tomorrow is softball practice." He then pointed at the date on a calendar on the wall, "We have a lot of work to do at Saturday's game. Let's not forget how badly we were humiliated last year by Pawtucket Joke and Novelties."

"What did they do last year?" Tyler asked.

A flashback showed Peter and the other employees on a softball in uniforms, where the screen was actually in the point of view of one of the players for the rival team, who put on their joke glasses and laughed at them.

"Hehehe, look at those morons and their stupid glasses." Peter pointed at them, unaware that in their vision he was in his underwear.

It soon cuts back to present day.

"Oh, man, I hate those guys." Peter said in a small bit of anger, "More than I hate spinach."

"Oh, yeah, me, too." John agreed.

"Same here." Tyler followed.

"Traffic jams." Peter continued.

"They are awful." John agreed again.

"You just want to get home, but no, people won't let you." Tyler followed again.

"And the last few years of _M*A*S*H_." Peter then finished his rant.

"What's wrong with _M*A*S*H_?" Tyler asked Peter.

"When Alan Alda took over behind the camera and the show got all dramatic and preachy." Peter answered, "You get it?"

"Dramatic, yes." Tyler agreed, "Preachy, no."

"But anyone else agree with me?" Peter said and stood up, "Who's with me?"

"This year we will defeat those pranksters with our secret weapon." Mr. Weed told the others.

"A weapon? You mean like a bomb?" Tyler asked and then dropped to the ground, "Duck and cover."

"I think he meant like a new player." John claimed, "Right, Mr. Weed?"

"Yes." Mr. Weed responded and showed a man to his left, "Meet Guillermo." He then tossed the ball in the air and Guillermo hit it. It was then flying straight at and rammed John out of the screen.

"Bravo!" Mr. Weed congradulated his new worker, "I hired Guillermo because I believe he will be an asset to our company on and off the field."

Another flashback showed Mr. Weed hiring Guillermo in his office.

"You have impeccable credentials." Mr. Weed told Guillermo, who was in a suit. It then showed Mr. Weed wearing the joke glasses from the last flashback, "I'm sure I can find a position for you somewhere."

It cut back to present day.

"Feels more like a liability than an asset." Tyler said as John got up, "Uh, are you gonna be okay?"

"I'm fine. I'm fine." John assured Tyler, but passed out and fell on the ground.

"Back to work, people." Mr. Weed ordered his workers.

As ha was about to leave, Peter stopped him.

"Hey, Mr. Weed, I got a new idea for a new line of TV action figures." Peter said to Mr. Weed as he held up one of the toys he mentioned in his hand, "_Facts of Life _Transformers, huh? Now wa-watch the transformation."

"Whaddya got?" Tyler asked Peter.

"Cute as a button..." Peter explained as he pressed the button on the back of the toy, which had the figure swell up.

"Okay." Tyler replied.

"...Fat as a cow..." Peter continued as he pressed the button again, but this time, it was something totally unexpected.

"Okay." Tyler replied.

"...Radioactive scorpion. Huh?" Peter finished.

"BRILLIANT!" Tyler exclaimed in amazement.

"Watch out, Mrs. Garret." Peter said playing with the radioactive scorpion toy, "Here comes Blair."

"I'll consider it." Mr. Weed responded at Peter's idea.

"He'll consider it!" Peter said, then went back and picked up the toy, "Hey, I got another one where Natalie's one of those spittin' lizards from _Jurassic Park_."

"You mean the Dilophosaurus?" John asked Peter.

"Huh?" Peter replied.

"Never mind..." John said after hearing Peter's answer.

The next day, Peter, John and Tyler were watching TV with Chris and Brian. The trio (Peter, John and Tyler) were in softball uniforms while watching on the couch.

On the TV they were watching _Wheel of Fortune_, where the puzzle read "GO _UCK YOURSELF."

"Pat, I would like to solve the puzzle." One of the three contestants said to the host, "'Go Tuck Yourself In.'" This turned out to be correct.

"You got it." The show's host, Pat said.

"Well, you were close, dad." Chris said to Peter.

"Yeah, I still can't believe we missed the phrase, 'My hairy aunt.'" Peter remarked.

"Yeah, talk about a coincident." John said after.

"Come on, guys." Peter said to John and Tyler, "We gotta get to softball practice."

"Practice?" Lois said as she was by a playpen watching Stewie and turned to Peter, "I thought we were gonna go next door and welcome our new neighbors."

"Oh, cool." Tyler responded, "We got new heighbors? About time."

"Oh, no, no, no, no, I don't want anything to do with neighbors." Peter protested, "Last guy who lived next door borrowed my toaster. Never saw it again."

"Which one?" Tyler asked Peter, "The toaster or the guy?"

**Cutaway #1**

It showed a man in a tub holding a plugged-in toaster above the water.

"If that slut wants full custody of the kids, she's got it." The man said with a hint of depression.

It then cut to a full view of the man's house, where the sound of something short-circuiting (possibly the toaster) were heard, the lights inside were flickering and quickly went out.

**End**

"Peter, they might be very nice people." Lois said trying to reason with Peter.

"'Very nice people.'" Peter repeated, "Yeah, that's what they always say, then you open up the septic tank and BAM! Skeleton city!" He then shut the door behind him.

At the softball field, Happy-Go-Lucky's team was warming up for practice. Brian was panting heavily next to a red-haired woman, who soon looked at him and then gave him a stern look.

"Ugh! Pervert!" The woman name-called Brian.

"Oh-Oh, don't flatter yourself, honey." Brian talked back, "I don't have any sweat glands."

It then went back to the field.

"Alright, my Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Boys." Mr. Weed said to the team, "Time for batting practice. Guillermo, you're up."

Guillermo took the bat from Mr. Weed's hands and went for home base.

"Unfortunately, Johnson isn't her to pitch today." Mr. Weed then informed everyone, "His wife is in labor."

"Oh, what? Is the baby coming out of him?" Peter asked in sarcasm as he removed his mask and tossed it aside, "Jeez, I'll pitch."

"Hah! I don't know what's more questionable, your pitching arm or Bill Clinton's integrity." Brian remarked.

"Eh, how hard can-"

Peter could say more, a laugh track played in the background all of a sudden. This lasted for 5 seconds before Peter could speak again.

"Uh." Tyler responded to the laugh earlier, "What was that?"

"I don't have the slightest clue as to what happened just now." John answered.

"Anyway, how hard can it be to pitch?" Peter claimed.

Guillermo was ready at the plate. Peter then threw the ball, but it hit Guillermo in the knee, causing the player to collapse in pain.

"Uh." Peter said at what he did, "Okay, take your base."

"Somebody call 911!" Mr. Weed said as he ran to Guillermo's side, "Tell them he's allergic to penicillin and white zinfandel!"

Peter walked up to them and Mr. Weed turned his attention to Peter.

"Idiot!" Mr. Weed said to Peter, "If you don't find a ringer to replace Guillermo, you're fired!" He then left.

"Oh, man, what am I gonna do if I get fired?" Peter asked, "I'll have to go back to my old job as a Calvin Klein model."

**Cutaway #2**

It showed that of a Calvin Klein commercial, where it panned through a line of teen models expressing what they're thinking right now.

"I don't wanna be just like everyone else." A girl model thought.

"But I don't want to be different" A boy model then thought.

"I just wanna be..." Another girl model thought and left the last part of the sentence to Peter, who was the last one.

"What was the name of the bad guy from _TRON_?" Peter thought instead, "Ugh, this is gonna drive me nuts!"

**End**

Lois was busy talking with one of the new neighbors next door. The neighbor was the wife and she was already a few months pregnant. Her name was Bonnie.

"Moving is never easy on a family." Lois said to Bonnie.

"Well, we are gonna miss the go-go-go pace of Providence." Bonnie said, "But with number two on the way, Joe thought it was time to move and I can't say no to Joe." She gave a slight giggle, "Ever."

"Oh, Quahog can be pretty exciting, too." Lois informed her, "Last week, someone lost an eye at bingo."

**Cutaway #3**

It then showed a bingo game, where a man was taking a number out of the bin.

"I-17" The man announced, but the ball slipped out and fell to the floor, "Oh, darn it."

The man then bends down to pick up the ball, but accidentally hits his eye on the corner of the table as he screams in pain.

**End**

"Oh, I haven't played bingo in years!" The woman said in delight.

"Silence!" Stewie shouted, "Ever since you two met, you've done nothing but wax idiotic!" He jumped off of Lois' arms and tried to run off, "I must escape this infernal babble!" As he tried to run, the leash he was strapped on to stopped him and pulled him back.

"What a little explorer." The woman chuckled at what she saw.

"Yes, he's so full of wonder." Lois said affectionately.

"Oh, to be the Lindbergh baby right about now." Stewie lamented.

Then the garage door opened and a truck with a male driver was backing out. The man was the woman's husband, Joe.

"Joe, you have to meet our new neighbor, Lois Griffin." The wife told her husband.

"It's a pleasure, Lois." Joe greeted Lois, then pointed to Stewie, "Who's the little guy?"

"This is Stewie." Lois informed Joe, "Honey, say hi to Mr. Swanson."

"You will bow to me." Stewie threatened.

The camera then panned to the backyard of the house, where a somewhat muscular young man was busy reading.

"Hi, I'm Meg." Meg said walking in and greeting the boy, "I live next door."

"I know." The boy said, "I've admired you from afar. Will you go out with me?"

"I'd love to." Meg said accepting the boy's offer. She sat next to him and he then held her hand.

This, however, turned out to be merely a fantasy as it panned to Meg in the kitchen viewing the boy who was still reading.

"Oh, he's gay." Chris said appearing next to Meg.

"You wish!" Meg responded, "Get out of here, you mouth breather!"

Meanwhile, Peter and the boys were driving back home from practice.

"Oh! I'm as good as fired." Peter griefed, "Where the hell am I gonna find a guy as strong as Guillermo? One time I walked into the locker room, I swear he was bench-pressing Mr. Weed."

"I don't think they were bench-pressing." Tyler said.

"Then, what were they doing?" Peter asked Tyler.

Before Tyler could give his answer, however, he then paused for about 3 seconds. "I rather not know the answer." Tyler finally said.

"Same goes for me here." John agreed who was in the back seat.

"Oh, great." Peter said as he was pulling up on his driveway, "Lois is getting chummy with the new neighbors."

"Well, I think she wants you to meet them." Brian said to Peter.

"Ugh, she's always trying to make me be social." Peter explained, "Cocktail parties, school functions, that time we planted trees in Jerusalem."

**Cutaway #4**

Peter and Lois were in fact planting somewhere around Jerusalem, but get into a bind with the locals.

"What?" Peter asked the residents, "Look, all I'm sayin' is put an Israeli guy next to an Arab guy and I can't tell the difference."

**End**

Peter then decided to go meet the new neighbors.

"You must be Peter." Joe acknowledged Peter as he then held up his hand for Peter to shake, "Joe Swanson."

"Yeah, yeah, nice to meet you, Phil." Peter rudely rejected Joe's offer, "You know, you got a neighbor on the other side of your house, too. So, don't think you always have to bug me."

"I'll keep that in mind." Joe chuckled, "Say, do you have a screwdriver I can borrow?"

"Man, you neighbors are like viruses." Peter said annoyed, "It starts with a screwdriver and before you know it, you're using my supermarket, my dry cleaner and even my postman."

"The postman doesn't belong to anyone, Mr. Griffin." Tyler informed Peter.

"What did I tell you about being a smartass?" Peter reminded Tyler.

"Don't be one?" Tyler guessed.

"There we go-" Peter was about to say, until he realized, "Hey, wait a minute!"

"Anyway, can you all believe that guy?" Peter asked as he turned back to his opinion at Joe, "'Do you have a screwdriver I can borrow?' What an ass."

Later at night, Peter was still finding a replacement for Guillermo. He was laying on his back on his bed with Brian next to him.

"So, Peter, have you found a replacement for the team?" Brian asked Peter.

"No." Peter answered, "And believe me, I've been looking."

**Cutaway #5**

Peter was at a Chinese restaurant, sitting with an Asian business man with an Asian sports athlete, who was eating.

"Hideo-san would be honored to play for your team." The business man told Peter, "But he wishes to know what compensation you offer."

"Uhh..." Peter said trying to think of a good answer, "Me-Me love you long time?"

**End**

"Gosh, I'd like to help you, Peter." Brian said to Peter as he got off the bed, "But, uh, I gotta go out in the hall and chew on the back of my ass for about 5 minutes." he then left the room passing by Lois.

"Oh, Peter, I invited Joe and Bonnie to your game on Saturday." Lois informed Peter.

"Lois, I want those people there." Peter said, "See, this is why I ask you to submit everything to me in writing first."

"Bonnie told me that Joe is a big baseball fan." Lois said, "He played in Bonnie."

"He did?" Peter asked interested.

The scene shifted to Peter at the Swansons' door, holding a screwdriver.

"Welcome to the neighborhood." Peter greeted Bonnie, who answered the door.

Peter then walked into a room where Joe was still unpacking.

"Hiya, Joe." Peter greeted Joe.

"Peter!" Joe acknowledged at Peter's appearance.

"Oh, don't get up." Peter said.

"This is a surprise." Joe said as he was holding a winning baseball trophy, proving to Peter he did, in fact, play in the day, "I kinda thought you didn't like me." He then placed the trophy on the shelf next to him.

"Oh, what? Because of what I said this afternoon?" Peter asked, "Oh, no, no, no. See, I have that disease where stuff just pops out of your mouth. GO TO HELL! GO TO HELL! Whoop, heh. See what I mean? Hehehehehe."

"Oh, I'm so sorry." Joe apologized as he took out another trophy from a box, "I thought maybe I crossed the line when I asked to borrow a screwdriver." This convinced Peter to go deeper.

"Are you kiddin'?" Peter exclaimed, "You can borrow whatever you want."

"Great." Joe responded, "Say, you wouldn't happen to have any picture wire, do you?"

"Picture wire?" Peter asked under his breath, "You son of a bitch."

Just when Peter was starting to get aggitated, Joe pulled up another trophy. This time, it was bigger than the others Peter saw.

"Uh, SON OF A BITCH! SON OF A BITCH! Heh, there it goes again." Peter lied hoping to still try and get on Joe's good side.

"I don't want to impose." Joe said.

"No problem, that's what neighbors do." Peter informed Joe, "A-And you know what else they do? They play on their neighbor's company's softball team like this Saturday. Huh, what do ya say, neighbor?"

"Sounds like fun." Joe accepted Peter's offer.

"Hey. So much fun it should be illegal like copyright infringement."

As soon as Peter said that, his head then morph into that of Mickey Mouse's, though it didn't seem to bother Joe one bit.

"Ho-oh. See you at the game, Joe. Ho-oh." Peter said in Mickey's voice.

The next day, the team was already at the field, ready for the game. Peter's family was also there to cheer him, John and Tyler on. Elsewhere on the field.

"Hey, you want a piece of gum?" A player from the rival team in a red uniform asked a player from the Toy Boys in blue uniform.

"Oh, thanks." The latter said, then put it in his mouth to chew.

"Ha, ha!" The player in red said, "That was joke gum."

"What do you mean?" The player in blue asked.

"Now you're addicted to heroin." The red player replied.

The two laughed it off, until, "I'm cold." Said the blue player.

Peter was a little nervious about his deal with Joe last night.

"Hey, Lois!" Lois hollared out to Peter from the bleachers, which Peter waved back.

"It's nice that your family is hear, Peter." Mr. Weed said remarkingly to Peter, "If your ringer doesn't arrive soon, you can spend everyday with them... at home." This got both Peter, John and Tyler worried.

"Oh, uh, he-he'll be here, Mr. Weed." Peter said hoping to sound assuring to his boss, "Oh, you should see this guy in action!"

"Wow, he sounds like a real pro already!" John acknowledged in excitement.

"Oh, you bet he is!" Peter responded, "He can hit, he can throw-"

"Peter!" Joe yelled calling out to Peter, who was, for some reason, in a wheelchair.

"What's he doing in a wheelchair?" Mr. Weed asked Peter confused.

"HOLY CRIP, HE'S A CRAPPLE!" Peter exclaimed realizing what was going on.

"You got it the other way around, Mr. Griffin." Tyler corrected Peter.

"Oh, yeah, you're right. Sorry." Peter said to Tyler, "HOLY CRAP, HE'S A CRAPPLE!"

"What?!" John and Tyler both exclaimed in unison.

"Peter, our new secret weapon is this very attractive paraplegic?" Mr. Weed asked Peter sternly.

"Please tell us this is a joke, right?" John said.

"Heh, okay, Joe, y-you got me." Peter said to Joe nerviously, "Heh, rise and shine. Come on, stand and deliver. Get the hell up."

"Hahaha, you're a hoot, Peter." Joe acknowledged to Peter's "joke."

"Play ball." The umpire announced.

"LET'S DO IT!" Joe shouted in team spirit.

"I swear I didn't know." Peter assured to Mr. Weed, "M-Maybe they won't hit a lot of balls to him."

"I got shortstop." Joe said. This gave Peter a slight, nervious laugh.

"We're doomed..." John acknowledged in disappointment.

"You don't know." Tyler assured his friend, "We could do good."

"Yeah?" Peter asked Tyler, "Well, for my job's sake, I hope you're right."

Back at the bleachers, the wifes were starting to getting to know each other.

"The movers tracked grease all over my carpet." Bonnie said to Lois, "I tried everything to get the stain out."

"What about lemon juice?" Lois suggested.

"Oh, what about club soda?" Bonnie then suggested also.

"What about SHUTTING THE HELL UP?!" Stewie shouted in annoyance.

Meanwhile, Meg was trying to get the boy from earlier's attention.

"Isn't baseball great?" Meg asked him, but got no response. She then up another thing to say, "They say baseball's the national pastime." She still got nothing as she patting her thighs for another strategy, until, "I can't taste salt."

Back on the field, John was at second base. While he was waiting for the pitcher to swing, he then noticed Meg sitting next to the neighbor's son, where she appeared to be having her eyes on him. This got distracted from the remainder of the game, until he got hit to his right side by accident by the pitcher and knocked him out. Everyone then went to his aid and then everything went black.

John woke up and found Tyler and Peter next to him.

"Uuhhhh..." John groaned as he started gaining consciousness.

"J-man, are you okay?" Tyler asked John.

"I-I guess..." John responded, "Wh-What happened?"

"You got hit by a baseball." Tyler informed, "But, J-man, what happened out there?"

"Yeah, John." Peter said, "What got to ya?"

"I..." John said, then paused, "I don't know. I thought I saw something very unusual."

"What'd you see?" Tyler asked him.

"I... I can't remember." John answered.

"Well, it doesn't look too serious." Joe said searching for any signs of injury on the side of John's head, "There's no sign of cuncussion."

"Well, that's good, I guess." Tyler said.

"But I recommend that he rest before playing again." Joe informed, "Just to be sure."

"If you say so." John said and rested on the bench.

"Alright, play ball!" The umpire announced and soon, everyone got back onto the field.

"Oh, crap!" Peter exclaimed, "Don't hit it to Joe. Please don't hit to Joe! Please don't hit it to Joe!"

The pitcher threw the ball and the batter got a hit and ran for second base. Joe then caught the ball and threw it to second base, striking an out.

"YOU'RE OUT!" The umpire shouted.

"Whoa, Tyler. You were right." Peter said to Tyler, "Alright, Joe! Way to earn that parking space!"

"No one EVER believes me!" Tyler remarked in aggrivation, "I don't know why!"

"Alright!" Meg cheered as everyone else on the bleachers cheered for Joe.

"Did you see that?" Lois asked Bonnie.

"That's my Joe!" Bonnie responded cheering.

"What the deuce?" Stewie exclaimed in confusion, "Half-man, half-machine. Why with that technology, I could escape these wretched harridans." He then looked toward the field, "GO, CYBORG!"

It eventually lead to the Pawtucker Pranksters by 8 and the Quahog Toy Boys only one score less. Everyone then put all their hope on Joe to win the game, who was now at bat.

"It all rests on that man's broad, rippling shoulders." Mr. Weed said.

Joe managed to get a hit and the ball zoomed fast enough to avoid the Pranksters' grasp.

"Alright, Joe!" Mr. Weed cheered, "Run!"

"Alright, Joe!" Peter cheered also to Joe, "Come on! Yeah!"

Joe then wheeled from first base, then to second base, then to third.

"Hurry, Joe!" Mr. Weed continued cheering on Joe, "Alright! Yes, vamos!"

Unfortunately, one of the rival team players got the ball and threw to home base, who caught it and was now waiting, hoping they would tag Joe out. Joe, however, hopped up out of the way and got to home base safely. Everyone cheered wildly for Joe's victory.

"Let's hear it for Joe!" One of the Toy Boys said as they lifted Joe in victory.

"Yeah, and let's hear it for the guy who found Joe! Yay, uh, okay..." Peter said trying to get some credit, but to no avail, "Huh."

"Uh, yay, Mr. Griffin?" John, who had just finished resting, said hoping to help Peter.

The Swansons were serving a celebration over today's win at the softball field.

"That's finger suckin' good, huh?" Joe said to someone eating one of the grilled foods, "It's an old policemen's recipe. Eat up, everyone. Tonight my wife won't be the only one enjoying a PIG in a blanket."

Everyone then laughed at Joe's joke.

"Joe, you're so funny!" Bonnie praised her husband.

"Oh, they love that one down at the Precinct." Joe said as he took another wiener off the grill.

It then panned to Peter by the pool with John, Tyler and Brian.

"Oh, this sucks, guys. Joe's stealing my thunder." Peter said to his friends.

"Hey, everybody!" Joe said to everyone, "Time to Limbo!" He then wheeled past under the bar in success.

"Face it." Brian told Peter, "He's the life of the party."

"Oh, yeah?" Peter asked Brian, "I'll show you who's the life of the party!" Peter then jumped into the pool all of a sudden.

"He-Hey, look!" Peter hollered to everyone, hoping to get some attention, "Hey! I fell in the pool with my clothes on! How hilarious is that? That is SO Peter Griffin. Huh? Guys? Huh... Guys?"

Peter was now sitting at the patio drying off.

"That's my idea." Joe said to Mr. Weed about something.

"Peter, come here." Mr. Weed called to Peter.

"Oh, finally." Peter acknowledged and came over to where Mr. Weed and Joe were at, "A little recognition."

"Joe has the most wonderful idea." Mr. Weed said to Peter.

"Hey, I just suggested a line of handi-capable toys." Joe responded, "You know, to show kids the fun side of being physically challenged!"

"Oh, yeah? Oh, that's what kids want to play with. Yeah. Beanie Baby in a bubble." Peter said sarcastically at Joe's idea, "What about my idea? Come on! Tootie morphs into a stink bug."

"BRILLIANT!" Tyler shouted from a distance.

"Joe, you're exactly the kind of man we need at our company." Mr. Weed said to Joe, "Peter, go make yourself useful. Go get Joe a drink."

"Jeez, first he takes my friends. Then he takes my job." Peter said to himself, "But the way I wear my hat..." Peter then stopped and paused for a second, "No, no. He can't take that away from me."

"But you don't wear a hat." Tyler pointed out to Peter out of nowhere.

"Leave me alone." Peter told Tyler.

"Okay." Tyler replied as he walked away.

"You!" Stewie appeared, pointing at Joe, "How came you by this metal construct? I demand to know who made you!"

"Stewie, it's not polite to point." Lois said to Stewie, "I'm sorry."

"That's okay, Lois." Joe assured Lois and placed Stewie on his lap, "He's just curious about the chair. About 10 years ago, I was investigating a robbery at an orphanage."

It flashed back to an orphanage in the winter. It was called Luckey's Orphanage on the sign out front with the tag, "No one knows you're here."

"It was Christmas Eve and some presents have been stolen." Joe narrated as his younger self came in.

Joe then got out of the car and ran to the building. He put up a ladder and climbed to the roof, where he spotted possibly the crook. He sneaked up to him and got his pistol out.

"Reach for the sky, dirtbag!" Joe threatened the theif, who was revealed to be the Grinch, "Alright, pal! You've stolen your last Christmas."

Suddenly, the Grinch kicked the gun out of Joe's hands, then punched him in the gut and then knocked him off his feet. He then charged at Joe, but the latter kicked pushed him back and got back on his feet.

As you guessed it, it played out like in the original episode, with the Grinch's feet lassoed with Christmas lights.

"You think you have won. You think all is well..." The Grinch said as he grabbed a roller skate, "But kiss my Grinchy ass. I shall see you in Hell!" He then threw the skate to Joe's direction and Joe trips on it and slides off the roof, landing on the ground on his face. The children inside then came out and found Joe outside.

"Are you Timmy?" Joe asked a boy in front of him and the boy nodded. Joe then handed him a present and told him Merry Christmas.

The story ended and everyone, but Joe was found tearing up from it.

"OH, ENOUGH!" Stewie shouted in annoyance, not caring about the story, "If you won't share your technological schemata with me peaceably, I shall take the information from you by force!"

"Wow." Lois exclaimed in amazement, "Looks like you have a fan."

"Come on." Peter came in and told his family, "Let's get outta here."

"Peter, you can't leave." Joe said to Peter.

"Sorry, I promised the wife and kids I'd-I'd ta-take them on a DREAM vacation to Hawaii right now." Peter told Joe as he lead the kids away, "Say aloha, kids."

"What are you talking about?" Meg asked Peter, "We want to hear more of Mr. Swanson's stories."

"He's cool, dad." Chris said to Peter, "He killed a guy."

"Well, technically, he was killed by the state." Joe corrected, "But funny story; he did curse my name just before the injection."

Everyone, but Peter, then laughed after hearing Joe. Peter stormed away and Lois followed him in anger.

"Peter, what's the matter with you?" Lois asked Peter sternly.

"Why are you guys making such a deal over Joe?" Peter asked Lois, "You're not supposed to admire wheelchair people, you're supposed to feel sorry for them. Sheez, when did it become okay to be handicapped?"

"Don't talk like that!" Lois said to Peter, "He's a remarkable man and the rest of your family adores him!"

"Oh, fine, then why don't you all marry him?" Peter talked back, "And-And if he's so remarkable, let's see him do this." He then went a little back and started imitating walking, "Hey, look at me! I'm walking! Oh, I'm a remarkable man!" This gave Lois a stern look on her face.

Later, Peter was kicked out and was sitting on the front porch of his house. John, Tyler and Brian came back to the house.

"Well, look who finally came home." Peter acknowledged, "Sheesh, I thought you were gonna spend all night over at Joe's."

"Heh, I could've." Brian repiled, "That man has got magic fingers. He found this one spot behind my ear, I, heh, forget about it, I thought my leg was never gonna stop."

"Yeah, Joe's a real party animal." John said.

"I don't believe this." Peter said in annoyance, "My whole family worships the ground that guy can't walk on."

"Well, it's not too hard to see why. I mean, the guy's a hero." Brian pointed out, "He makes the world a better place."

"Hey, hey, hey, I've done lots of things to help people." Peter informed Brian, "Remember the time I sang to the kids down at the Sunday school?"

"That makes you a good person." Tyler said.

"Except he forgot the words." Brian told Tyler.

**Cutaway #6**

Peter was playing a guitar and singing a song to the children in a Sunday school.

_Jesus loves me_

_He loves me a bunch_

_'Cause He always puts Skippy_

_In my lunch_

This only made the children confused.

**End**

"No, no, no, it's not the same thing." Brian assured Peter, "Joe puts himself in real danger everyday."

"Oh, you're right. I'll never become that kind of hero." Peter said moping, "Unless I put myself in real danger, too! For my family's sake!" Peter then left.

"Ugh, why are the pretty ones always so dumb?" Brian asked.

"Who knows." Tyler replied.

The next morning, Joe was stirring some soup, then took a taste test. Behind him, a cabinet door opened to reveal Stewie inside, who pulls out grappling hook and hooked onto a lamp on the then swung toward Joe, but the latter left at the last minute and Stewie ended up swinging out the window.

Meanwhile back at the house, Peter was listening to what appeared to be an average radio.

"We have a gang shooting on Third and Main." The man said on the radio, "Three wounded, one dead."

"Is it me or is rap just getting lazier all of a sudden?" Tyler asked.

"No, no, it's my new police scanner." Peter informed Tyler, who was with John and Brian, "This hero thing is gonna be easy once I find the right crime." Peter then turned the dial to listen in.

"We have a domestic disturbance-" A voice said on the scanner, but Peter wasn't interested.

"Boring!" Peter exclaimed.

"Report of a stabbing-" Another voice said.

"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." Peter said, again, uninterested.

"All units! All units! A major bank robbery is in progress at Quahog Bank and Trust." The man in the scanner announced, "Suspects are and extremely dangerous."

"Perfect!" Peter proclaimed, "Where's Lois and the kids?"

"Uh, over at Joe's." Brian told Peter.

"Well, go fetch 'em" Peter ordered Brian, "They're about to see a real hero in action."

He had his hand on a bust on the kitchen counter.

"Tyler, did you get me that Batcave I asked?" Peter asked Tyler.

"Yeah." Tyler answered.

"Good. To the Batcave!" Peter announced, which he opened a secret compartment in the bust to reveal a red button. He pressed it and a secret passage opened.

"Oh, that Batcave?" Tyler asked.

"Yep. Why?" Peter asked Tyler as he, John and Tyler slid down the pole.

"Because I thought you meant like a real..." Tyler explained as everything went dark. Peter turned the lights on through a pullstring, which revealed to be a bat-filled cavern.

"Bat cave." Tyler said finishing his sentence.

"Uh oh." All three said in realization and turned the light off.

In the dark was only the screeching of bats and the yells and cries of John, Tyler and Peter.

After that, Peter was driving the family (John and Tyler included) to his appointed destination.

"You guys thought Joe was something, you ain't seen nothin' yet." Peter told his family.

"Peter, what's the big rush?" Lois asked Peter, but before Peter could answer, he finally arrived at the bank.

"Alright, you guys wait right here." Peter said to the family, "Daddy's gonna make a little withdrawal." Peter then left with John, Tyler and Brian and went inside.

Inside the bank, the robbers were about to leave.

"Let's give Tammy a round of applause." A robber in a green mask said, "This was her first robbery and she was very brave."

The hostages gave, as the robber ordered, a round of applause while their hands were still up. The clerk gave a wave toward them while also having her hands up the air.

"Now before we go-" A robber in a red mask was about to say.

"No, don't go." A little girl begged coming up to the robbers.

"Oh, princess, we have to." Robber #2 told her.

"I hope you brought your striped pajamas, boys." Peter warned the robbers as he entered the scene, "'Cause there's a five-year sleepover at the big house and you're invited."

"You'll never take us alive!" Robber #2 said back and pointed at the hostages. Robber #1 pointed his gun in the air and started firing it.

The four then ran and hid under a desk to avoid gunfire.

"Oh, Lois and the kids should be in here to see this." Peter remarked.

"Yes, it's going very well." Brian sarcastically replied.

Back in the car, the family was still waiting for Peter to return.

"Mom, what do you do when you like a boy, but he doesn't even notice you?" Meg asked Lois.

"Oh? Is this a boy you know very well?" Lois asked Meg.

"Well, sorta." Meg answered her.

"Is this a certain boy and his best friend who's living with us at the moment?" Lois then asked Meg.

"What are you talking about?" Meg asked Lois, confused.

"Come on, Meg." Lois said to Meg, "I talking about John."

"John?!" Meg exclaimed in shock and blushed a bit, "But-But, I don't have a-"

"Oh, Meg, I'm just teasing you." Lois informed Meg, "I know you two aren't like that. Besides, You two would make a bad pair. Now then, who is it you want to notice you?"

"Well, it's someone that I just met recently-" Meg told Lois.

"Meg loves Kevin." Chris sang teasing at Meg.

"SHUT UP, YOU BIG SACK OF DOG VOMIT!" Meg shouted to Chris.

"Meg, you're a sweet, lovely girl." Lois assured to Meg, "He'll come around."

"Ugh, such a mom answer." Meg remarked.

"Well, have you tried showing off the goods?" Lois then asked Meg, who's eyes widened after hearing her, "How's that for a mom answer?"

"Creepy." Meg replied.

Oh, I saw some cute dresses down the street." Lois told Meg, "If nothing else, it'll make you feel better. Come on, you guys." They then got out and left.

"And if things don't work out with Kevin, we could still try John next-" Lois teased Meg.

"MOM!" Meg exclaimed.

"Joking." Lois informed Meg again.

Meanwhile back inside the bank, Peter, Brian, John and Tyler were still under the desk.

"Well, if you want to be a hero, right now might be a good time." Brian said to Peter.

"Yeah, we could really use you right now." Tyler said to Peter.

"Well, if you're so eager for me to save the day, then why don't YOU do it?" Peter said, "Can't you use those Chaos Emeralds or whatever you call them to stop those crooks?"

"I... I forgot to bring them." Tyler confessed.

"What?!" Peter exclaimed, "Well, why didn't you bring them?"

"I didn't think we were gonna need them. Alright?" Tyler said.

"Sheesh, guys, this isn't what I was expecting." Peter told his friends, "I thought being a hero would be all fun and games."

**Cutaway #7**

The cutaway opened with that of the _Superfriends_, where it then showed the Hall of Justice.

Inside, the Super Friends were playing strip poker, where Wonder Woman lost a hand to Peter.

"Sorry, Wonder Woman." Peter said to Wonder Woman, "I got three kings. Now let's see that pair."

Wonder Woman sighed in disappointment as she then unstrapped her bra. She placed it on the table and she was now topless off-screen. The men were of course enjoying it.

"Hehe, alright." Peter chuckled, "He-Hey, Robin, what are you looking at me for? Look at her."

It then ended with the usual _Superfriends _scene change.

**End**

"Come on. Let's get outta here." Robber #2 said to Robber #1 as the police soon arrived, "Oh, perfect."

The police attempted to enter the building, but Robber #2 came out.

"We've got hostages in here!" Robber #2 warned the police, "So, don't try anything funny!" Just as he said this, it showed, as if on cue, Tyler in a clown costume. "Awww." Tyler exclaimed in disappointment.

"Don't worry, guys." Peter informed John, Tyler (still in his clown suit) and Brian, "I got a plan."

"Oh, good, I thought you were just gonna improvise." Brian said.

"Oh. Well, actually, I was gonna use the little girl as a human shield and run like hell." Peter confessed, "But, uh, improvise, that'll be easier on my back."

"Well, at least it might be better than his original plan." John acknowledged.

It did another _Superfriends_-escue scene change. Peter was with the two robbers.

"Okay, in this improv, Tammy and the short robber are husband and wife." Peter explained as Robber #1 and Tammy let out a laugh, "Okay and where are we?"

"A bar!" Said one man.

"A pet store!" Said another man.

"Gradalajara, Mexico!" Said an elderly woman.

"Okay, okay, I heard pet store" Peter said, "And I'm the gruff but lovable owner. Alright, begin."

He then started to repeatedly pet an imaginary cat.

"Hello, married couple." Peter said in improv, "I-I see you found a puppy."

"Uh, yeah." Robber #1 remarked, "His name is Sparky." He and everyone then laughed at his joke.

"But before you take Sparky home, let me check him for worms." Peter said to Robber #1 as the latter gave him the gun, then suddenly, "Okay, drop it!" Robber #2 dropped the gun and raised his hands in the air.

The hostages cheered for Peter's victory as he took a bow.

"Alright, you guys." Peter said to everyone, "Let's get outta here." While no one was looking, John took the gun Robber #2 dropped and hid it underneath his shirt in case things backfire. Peter and the robbers were about to walk out, but Peter noticed the car and Lois and the kids weren't there.

"Whoa, whoa, hang on, hang on." Peter said stopping the crowd, "Sorry, no one can leave." The hostages awed in disappointment after haering this.

"Ugh, listen, the whole reason I saved you guys today was so I could be a hero." Peter confessed to the hostages, "See, this wheelchair guy moved in next door and he can do all these great things and-and, well-"

"Your family idolizes the lousy cripple and not you?" The little girl finished Peter's statement.

That's right!" Peter answered, "How'd you know?"

"Oh, we've all been there." The old woman said as she hugged the girl.

Outside, Lois and the kids were coming back when they noticed police by the bank.

"Cool!" Chris exclaimed, "The bank is getting jacked!"

"Officer, my husband's in there!" Lois informed an armed policeman, "Can you tell me if he's okay?"

"Uh, what's he look like?" The policeman asked her.

"Uh, he's-he's wearing a wh-white-collared shirt, uh, kind of big, with glasses." Lois told the officer.

"I got him." The sniper said as he spotted Peter.

"Oh, thank God." Lois praised.

"Take him out." The policeman ordered the sniper.

"NO!" Lois exclaimed as she managed to stop the sniper.

Peter was looking through the glass doors and spotted Lois and the kids.

"Hey, there's my family." Peter pointed.

"Uh, I just want you to know I rob banks because a deaf man stole my job at the phone company." Robber #2 told Peter, "So, if anyone's gonna bust me, I'm glad it's you." the robber then gave out his right arm for Peter to shake.

Peter switched the gun to his left hand so he could use his right hand, but Robber #2 snatched the gun out of Peter's grasp and pointed it at him.

"But-But-But-But I was gonna be a hero." Peter acknowledged.

"Nobody's going anywhere!" Robber #2 threatened.

At the Swanson's house, Bonnie was watching TV when the news came on.

"Joe!" Bonnie hollered out to Joe, "It's Peter! He's in trouble!"

On the TV was Tom Tucker.

"A failed robbery at Quahog Bank and Trust has led to a terrifying hostage situation." Tom Tucker reported when he notices the wrong image of the topic, "Oh, sorry. Wrong picture. That one for a later story." The camera panned to the left to the correct image, "There we go."

It cut back to Joe and Bonnie.

"I gotta go." Joe informed Bonnie.

"I know." Bonnie replied with a sense of trust in her voice as she and Joe gave a kiss before he left.

Back at the bank.

"Alright, if we want the cops to take us seriously, we're gonna have to waste a hostage." Robber #1 told Robber #2.

Robbie #2 looked at Robber #1 for a moment, then asked.

"Where's your gun?"

"Oh, well, about that." Robber #1 said, "See, I can't seem to find it."

"What do you mean you can't find it?" Robber #2 questioned his partner, "You dropped it when the fat guy held my gun at us."

"I know, but I went back to where I dropped it and it wasn't there." Robber #1 explained.

"Ugh, alright, you can use mine." Robber #2 said handing Robber #1 his gun.

"Thanks." Robber #1 said, "Now who should we kill?"

"Uh, excuse me." Peter asked the robbers, "Shouldn't that be 'whom'?"

"Okay, you." Robber #2 decided.

"CRAP!" Peter exclaimed.

"This is Police Lieutenant Joe Swanson." Joe's voice was heard coming from outside, "I know we can work this out together."

"Oh, jeez, not him again." Peter lamented, "Hope this place isn't wheelchair accessible."

Back outside, Lois was worried about what would happen to Peter when Bonnie appeared with Stewie in her arms.

"Bonnie, it's Peter." Lois said to Bonnie.

"Don't worry." Bonnie assured Lois as she handed Stewie to her, "Joe's an excellent negotiator. I was a virgin when we met. Took him three hours."

Elsewhere, Meg saw that this would be another opportunity to get Kevin to notice her.

"I can't believe my dad is in there." Meg said, hoping Kevin would say anything, but, like before, to no avail, "This'll probably scar me for the rest of my life." Again, no luck, "I got a new dress."

Then a gunner close to them decided to step in. "Try talking about him." He said to Meg.

"So, uh, do you like music?" Meg said taking the man's advice.

"Oh, yeah! I played guitar in a band before we moved." Kevin finally spoke, "But, uh, it interfered with my studies. Uh, what do you listen to?"

"Uh, you first." Meg said, hoping to keep the conversation going.

"I'm into Garbage, Phish, Blur..." Kevin told Meg, "My parents don't like me listening to that stuff, but I do anyway BECAUSE I AM NOT A ROBOT!" This caused Meg to be a bit alarmed, "I also like Radiohead."

Back inside the bank, John was by the doors, attempting to let the police know he was about to ambush them. Unfortunately, the robbers noticed him.

"Hey, what are you doing over there, kid?" Robber #2 asked John, "Oh, I see what's going on. You guys are just sweet-talking us just so that we'll surrender quietly. Well, you know what, we've changed our minds. This kid's gonna be the one to waste." Robber #2 then pointed the gun at John, who was still at the door.

"J-MAN!" Tyler exclaimed.

"OH, NO!" Peter and Brian exclaimed also.

"But first, we'll ask that you come over here so that we'll kill you." Robber #2 said to John, "You're still part of the group. So, get over here."

Before John did what they told him, he looked back outside to see everyone, but then he noticed Meg with Kevin again. This, for some reason, gave John a feeling of pent-up anger inside.

"Hey! I said, 'Get over here!' Right now, kid!" Robber #2 ordered John already in impatience.

John then got a look of anger on his face, possibly after seeing Meg with Kevin.

"I SAID, 'RIGHT NO-" Robber #2 was about to say at John, but the latter suddenly charged at him and his partner. Robber #2 tried to shoot John, but John pulled out Robber #1's gun he picked up earlier and shot it, which knocked the gun out of his hands, quickly grabbed it with his other hand and was now dual-wielding both pistols at them. They quickly dropped to the ground in defeat.

"Okay, you win! You win!" Robber #2 said to John in fear, "Just don't shoot!"

"What the hell, John?" Peter said to John, "I was supposed to be the hero here. Remember?" He then looked at the robbers, "And come on, you guys. Don't let him scare you like that."

"Oh, uh, sorry, Mr. Griffin." John apologized to Peter as he realized what he did, "I don't know what came over me."

"Forget it." Robber #2 acknowledged, "It ain't worth getting killed for money."

"Yeah, I don't care if I get arrested." Robber #1 agreed, "I just wanna get the hell away from him!" He pointed at John.

The robbers then tried to run away, but Peter stopped them.

"Wait, wait, wait, you can't leave now." Peter said to the robbers, but they pushed him out of the way, "I'm supposed to be the hero here. W-Wait. Can you at least let me pistol-whip you a couple of times for the camera?"

The robbers were already gone.

"Dang stupid robbers with your guns and your... Your make-out parties." Peter muttered under his breathe.

Everyone was cheering as the robbers quickly got in the police car and were taken away. The hostages then ran out with only Peter, John, Tyler and Brian there.

The police then lifted Joe off the ground and carried him away, leaving only his chair behind.

"AHA!" Stewie exclaimed as he now had the chance to take the chair for himself, "Excellent! They detached the human component from the machine." Stewie climbed on and tried to "activate" it, "Machine, I am your new master and I order you to go!" But, to Stewie's dismay, it didn't do anything, "Engage!" Still, nothing happened, "BLAST! Must be some kind of proprietary command system. Now on the Russian MiG, it's next to the altimeter."

Stewie was then picked up by Lois.

"There you are." Lois said to Stewie, "I can't turn my back on you for a second."

"Oh! One day I shall unlock the secret of that device." Stewie said, "And when I do, mother, victory shall-" But before Stewie could finish, Lois put a pacifier in his mouth and he quickly passed out.

"Peter, you had us so worried." Lois said to Peter as she and the kids came to Peter's side, "What on earth were you trying to prove?"

"I'm sorry." Peter apologized, "Joe is a great guy. I guess I was just tired of him being your hero."

"Peter, Joe is a hero, but he's not OUR hero." Lois told Peter, "YOU are."

"Really?" Peter asked.

"Yeah." Lois answered, "I mean, you're-you're always right there on the couch for us, making us laugh when we're upset, changing the channel when something boring comes on, eating the last slice of pizza so the rest of us don't fight over it."

"Yeah, daddy." Meg informed her father, "And if you, John and Tyler hadn't pulled this stunt, I would have never learned to manipulate Kevin."

"What's that now?" John and Tyler asked in unison to Meg's statement.

"And when the kids at school see us on TV, they'll think you guys are total psychos." Chris said to Peter, John and Tyler, "And I can say, 'Those psychos are my dad and my best friends!'"

"And I would never have won the silver in Nagano if you hadn't driven me to the ice rink every morning at 6:00 AM." An Asian ice skater told Peter who was, for some reason, right there.

"Do we know you?" John asked the skater.

"Huh. I guess being a hero isn't always about saving lives and catching bad guys." Peter acknowledged, "It's also about just being there for the people you love."

"HELP! SOMEONE JUST STOLE MY PURSE!" An old woman suddenly shouted.

"Who cares?" Peter said, "I don't even know you." The family, but John and Tyler left the woman.

"J-man, can I use one of your guns for a second?" Tyler asked John.

"Knock yourself out." John told Tyler as he tossed him one of the pistols from the robbery as he walked away.

Tyler then aimed the gun at the theif and fired the gun, but Tyler then had a bothered look.

"Uh, J-man!" Tyler hollered out to John, "Is it okay if the head disappears and red stuff is gushing out?"

"Don't know." John said off-screen, "Why?"

"No reason!" Tyler lied as he gave the gun to the old woman and dashed off, leaving the woman alone.

**The End**


	6. The Son Draws and His Friend Writes

**Chapter 6: The Son Draws and His Friend Writes**

It was late at night. Stewie was in the kitchen walking toward the fridge and opens it. He takes a quick look before grunting in annoyance.

"Oh, blasted matriarch!" Stewie said irritated, "She has failed once again to replenish this frigid box with potations. I shall give her a piece of my mind at once!" With that, Stewie slammed the fridge door.

Stewie scurried up the stairs, but slipped and hit his head on one of the stairs.

"Damn it!" Stewie exclaimed as he got back up and continued up the stairs.

Stewie then reached the door to the master bedroom and opened it.

"Now look here, you- Oh, my God!" Stewie was about to say, but stopped and exclaimed in shock.

He caught his parents having sex.

Stewie was back in the kitchen, this time with Lois, who was in a pink bathroom.

"Now you shouldn't be frightened, Stewie." Lois said to Stewie, trying to ease his condition, "W-What you saw was a very beautiful thing."

"Oh, evidently, madam, you and I differ GREATLY in our conception of beauty." Stewie said to Lois, "'This what I just witnessed was ghastlier as a thousand ghouls!" His hands were now shaking from the thought.

"Stewie, uh... Mommies and daddies like to hug each other that way." Lois explained, "In fact, sweetie, that's sorta how you were created."

"Oh! That is a vile and odious lie!" Stewie protested against Lois' statement, "How dare you fill my head with such loathsome propaganda! Get out, you horrid woman! GET OUT!"

"Okay, honey, I'll go get your teddy bear." Lois affectionately responded to Stewie and kissed his head, obviously oblivious to his harsh comment.

Just as Lois left the room, Tyler then entered in his pajamas.

"Hi, Stewie." Tyler greeted Stewie, but the latter didn't respond due to obvious reasons, "You sick or something?"

"What's the matter?" Brian came in and asked what was going on.

"I don't know." Tyler answered, "I was coming up here to get a glass of water and found Stewie just sitting here like he's seen a ghost or something."

Brian took a look at Stewie to what was wrong and his eyes then widen in shock.

"Oh, good Lord." Brian exclaimed, "You saw them together, didn't you?"

Stewie nodded while muttering.

"Huh?" Tyler exclaimed confused.

Brian then whispered into Tyler's ear, explaining to him what it meant.

"Oh..." Tyler exclaimed in realization, but soon thought, "Oh! OH, MY GOSH!"

"There you go." Brian said to Tyler.

Brian then glanced at Stewie, then to Tyler and smiled while putting his arms behind his back.

"You know the tub where both of you take your baths?" Brian asked Stewie and Tyler.

They both nodded to Brian's question.

"...They've done it there, too."

Tyler and Stewie soon exclaimed in horror after hearing it.

(A/N: Right after this, Stewie came up to me and told me about what he thought before his incident.

"I thought the wiener was just to make lemonade." Was one of the things he told me.

Eventually, our conversation ended with him saying, "I'm scarred..." and we've never talked about it again since, although he did ask me not to tell anyone about it. Oh, well, I'm sure he'll understand.)

**Opening Credits**

_It seems today that all ya see_

_Is violence in movies and sex on TV_

_But where are those good, old-fashioned values?_

_On which we used to rely_

_Lucky there's a Family Guy!_

_Lucky there's a man who positively can do_

_All the things that make us_

_Laugh n' Cry!_

_He's_

_A_

_Fam_

_-ily_

_Guy!_

**End**

At a park were a group of scouts in a circle. Chris and Tyler were members, but they were by themselves and both appear to be scribbling on each respective's notebook.

The scoutmaster takes notice and walks toward them.

"What in the name of our Lord?" The scoutmaster exclaimed, "You two are out of the semicircle! All scouts have to sit in the semicircle!"

"Why?" Chris and Tyler asked in unison.

"Why?" The scoutmaster repeated, then shouted in fury, "WHY?!"

"Yeah, why?" Tyler replied.

"Saunders, tell them why?" The scoutmaster ordered a scout from the circle.

"Because it's Rule 142-B!-" The scout informed as he was quickly cut off the scoutmaster.

"Because it's Rule 142-B!" The scoutmaster repeated, "Good job, scout. Now drop and give me 20!"

"Thank you, sir!" The scout quickly responded.

"Ladies, this Saturday at 0800 there will be a soapbox derby as a reward for all your hard work and obidience." The scoutmaster informed his scouts.

"So?" Tyler then acknowledged.

"So? SO?!" The scoutmaster repeated just as before, "Is that all you have to say to what could be the greatest moment of your life?"

"No." Tyler answered.

"Are you trying to be a smartass with me?" The scoutmaster questioned Tyler.

"...Maybe." Tyler responded.

The scoutmaster then walked back to the semicircle with the scouts, whom whooed from hearing the news.

Tyler turned to Chris and saw that he was doing something.

"Watcha drawin', Chris?" Tyler asked Chris.

Chris then showed Tyler a drawing of the scoutmaster mooning his rear with his face on it.

"Ahahaha! That's funny!" Tyler said after seeing the drawing.

Chris looked at the notepad Tyler had on his lap.

"What are you doing with that?" Chris asked Tyler pointed at the notepad.

"Oh, this?" Tyler asked, "Eh, it's just writing."

"Can I read it?" Chris asked Tyler again.

"Well, it's not finished yet." Tyler informed Chris, "But, I guess you can some of it so far." Tyler handed the notepad to Chris and he begins reading it.

"Hey, this is pretty cool!" Chris praised Tyler's writing.

"Yeah, I've been working on it for a while." Tyler said.

"I hope this becomes a book." Chris exclaimed.

"It could, but I doubt it will." Tyler shrugged.

"Why?" Chris asked in the same tone as he and Tyler said to the scoutmaster, which irritated Tyler.

"...Not funny, Chris." Tyler said to Chris.

"Not funny what?" Chris asked Tyler as though he were serious.

The next day at the Griffin's house, the family (except Peter) was watching _Happy Days_.

"Mom, dad, I really like Potsie." Richie said to his parents, who were having breakfast.

"Why not, dear?" His mother asked, "Potsie's a very nice boy."

"Uh, no, mom." Richie informed her, "I-I mean, I REALLY like Potsie."

"We heard you the first time, son." Mr. Cunningham, Richie's father said, "You have a homosexual attraction to Potsie."

Cuts back to the Griffins.

"You have anything on that remote lower than mute?" Brian asked determined to not hear anymore from the TV.

"I do!" Tyler answered as he pulled out one of the Chaos Emeralds, his eyes began shining red and his hair began waving around, "CHAOS-"

But before Tyler could use Chaos Blast at the TV, Peter walked in.

"I got a surprise for and Tyler, Chris." Peter informed Chris as he turned to what was on TV, "Oh, uh, geez, It'll have to wait." Peter pulls Tyler down on the couch, stopping his attempt, "Watch this. This is one where the Fonz goes 'Ay!'"

It then showed Fonzie on the TV, does in deed says "Ay!"

"Hahaha, in your face, 1950s!" Tyler acknowledged, "And people said they weren't funny back then."

"Yeah." Peter agreed, "Okay, let's go." Peter then dragged Tyler and Chris out of the living room.

In the garage, Peter unveiled two draped objects on the floor and they were revealed to be go-karts.

"Chris, Tyler." Peter said to both Tyler and Chris, "These are the speed machines that are gonna win one of you the soapbox derby."

"But, Mr. Griffin." Tyler said to Peter, "We were supposed to built our own carts ourselves."

"Yeah, it's a rule." Chris agreed.

"Aw, come on." Peter exclaimed, "Rules were made to be broken."

"Are you sure about that, Mr. Griffin?" Tyler asked Peter.

"Absolutely." Peter assured Tyler.

"Okay. Name one time." Tyler challenged Peter.

**Cutaway #1**

Peter was standing near a red button on a wall behind him with a sign above it reading "DO NOT PUSH BUTTON." After glancing it a few times, he pushes the button and, as if on cue, an Asian man in martial arts attire walked up to Peter. He gave a greeting bow before swift-kicking Peter to the side, knocking him out on the floor. The Asian man soon walks away.

**End**

"Here, let me show you two the turbo booster." Peter told Tyler and Chris as they were sitting by both drawing and writing.

"Uh, dad." Chris said to Peter, "What'd you say I told you me and Tyler both didn't want to be in the Scouts?"

"I'd say 'come again'?" Peter told Chris, "And then I'd laugh 'cause I said 'come.'"

"And that's funny how?" Tyler asked about Peter's response.

"Uh..." Peter said before shrugging it off, "I'll tell you some other time. But, anyway, thank God that's not the case, eh? You're scouts and you know what that means? That means I love ya. Both of ya."

Tyler and Chris then groan in unease.

Later, it showed John in the basement playing _Galaga _on his NES. He was at his last ship and seemed to be on a winning streak so far. Unfortunately, however...

"Hey, J-ma-" Tyler said but got shortly cutoff.

"AH!" John exclaimed in surprise as his ship in the game was then hit by the enemy bugs, causing him to lose.

"Aw, dang it, Tyler!" John said at Tyler, "What do you want?"

It then cut to Chris outside a door when Tyler came up to him with John.

"Okay, Chris. I got him over here." Tyler told Chris.

"What are we doing here?" John asked Tyler.

"You'll see." Tyler told John as he opened the door revealing to be Meg's room, whom was busy brushing her hair with her hat off.

"Meg's room?" John exclaimed in surprise, "I thought you said you needed me for something."

"Chris, get out of here!" Meg ordered Chris, "You guys are not allowed in my room."

"Oh, come on." John protested at Meg's order, "It's not like you were naked or something. Plus, even if you were, you'd probably cover up your head with that hat of yours rather than cover up the rest of you."

Meg's jaw dropped wide after she heard him say that, while Tyler and Chris just stare at him in shock.

"GET OUT!" Meg said from in her room as John was thrown out by force and landed on the floor. Meg shut the door behind her and turned to Chris and Tyler.

"Okay." Meg said, "What do you two want?"

"Well, I was hoping to talk about this with J-man." Tyler said to Meg, "But, due to certain reasons, me and Chris are gonna talk to you instead."

"Again. What do you want?" Meg repeated.

"Meg, Chris and I don't want to be in the Scouts anymore." Tyler explained to Meg as he and Chris then sat on the bed, "Chris just wants to draw and I just want to write."

"Yeah, we were kinda hoping you and John could tell dad." Chris said, "But, uh... Try and open with a joke."

"Tell him yourselves." Meg told Chris and Tyler.

"We can't." Tyler told her, "We don't want to disappoint him."

"Yeah, you remember what happened when he tried to sneak me in the county fair?" Chris reminded Meg.

**Cutaway #2**

It showed the inside of a ticket booth, where Peter came up disguised as a horse hoping to sneak Chris into the fair.

"Uh, one, please." Peter said to the ticket vendor.

Unfortunately, Chris soon sneezed, who was the back, blowing their cover.

"Wait a second, your ass just sneezed! And horses can't talk!" The ticket vendor acknowledged in realization, "No, no, no, no, no, no, nothing about this adds up at all!"

Peter then groaned in irritance.

**End**

Meg sighed seeing what Chris meant.

"Okay, look." Meg said to Chris and Tyler, "Dad is really easy. All you two have to do is sit on his lap, give him a BIG kiss on the cheek, look him RIGHT in the eye, and he's butter."

"Maybe that's how you'll get into college. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha." John acknowledged at the door.

"Get out!" Meg shouted at John again whilst throwing her hairbrush at him.

"Ow! Okay, okay, I'll get out!" John said as he immediately left the room.

We now see Peter watching TV on the couch. Tyler and Chris walk up and jump on his lap.

"Oooof, what the hell?" Peter exclaimed being caught off-guard.

"Mr. Griffin, the Scouts aren't fun and-" Tyler was about to say to Peter.

"Wait, Tyler, you forgot the-" Chris told Tyler.

"Oh, yeah. Right." Tyler said as he and Chris kissed his cheek.

"Guys. I am going to stand up..." Peter informed Chris and Tyler, "Walk out of this room. And we will never speak of this again."

"But we did speak of this-" Tyler was about to say.

"We never speak of this again. Okay?" Peter asked Tyler.

"Okay." Tyler said as he and Chris got off Peter, who got up and walked away without a word. After a moment, Tyler then realized, "It didn't work, did it?"

"No." Chris answered moaningly.

The following week, the soapbox derby had arrived, where even Speed Racer was one of the racers.

"Speed, I do not think you should be in this race! Ha-ha!" Speed's father, Pops, said to him in animation to that of their show as the racer hopped out of his car and did his signature pose, "The Mach 5 is not ready! Ha-ha!"

"But, Pops, I must be in this race! Ha-ha!" Speed said to Pops, also in the same format of their show.

"Very well, uh-ruh. But, you know, I am not really your father! Ha-ha!" The father confessed to Speed, who awed in disappointment after hearing it.

Chris and Tyler were already in their cars and turned to their right to see Peter holding up a sign that read "Kick Ass or Don't Come Home."

"What?" Tyler exclaimed.

Then it panned to Lois and the family on the left with Lois holding up another sign that read "Oh, he's just teasing." It was then revealed to be a three-panel sign as it folded to another card that read "You know how your father/Mr. Griffin gets." Then it folded to yet another card reading "We both love you two very much" before ending with "No matter what happens." on the last card.

The Scoutmaster then stepped in to start the race.

"Okay, girls." The Scoutmaster told his scouts, "Get ready..."

The scouts started making noises to make it sound like their cars were revving engines. Chris was doing a little drawing before the race started and the same kinda went for Tyler as he wrote a little on his notepad.

"...get set..." The Scoutmaster said.

"Please, uh, uh..." Peter said as he snapped his fingers a few times to figure out the right word, "Uh, God, I don't ask you for much, but let my boy and Tyler win this race."

"Do not go until I wave my flag, I can't stress that enough." The Scoutmaster informed the racers, "I'll wave it once just to show you how it looks." He then waved it to show what it would look like.

"There it goes!" Tyler acknowledged believing that the race was starting and turned to Chris, "Go, Chris! GO!"

Chris then started his car, but the wheel broke off and begun to roll off the hill on its own. Tyler tries to help by grabbing the edge of Chris' car, but gets pulled along with him.

"Look out!" Tyler and Chris warned as their vehicles were rolling toward the Scoutmaster.

"Griffins are disqualified." The Scoutmaster announced as he was running for his life, "Griffins are disqualified." His foot gets caught on the back bumper of Chris' car and gets dragged behind it as it kept rolling downhill.

Later at the Quahog Community Center, Peter was with the Scoutmaster talking about Chris and Tyler.

"Your boys are out of the scouts!" The Scoutmaster, who had a few band-aids on his face and his uniform was a bit tattered, informed Peter. Chris and Tyler were also with them.

"Geez, who died and made YOU President Nixon?" Peter said to the Scoutmaster.

"Mr. Griffin, Nixon was president of the 70s..." Tyler corrected Peter, "Or was it the 80s? I don't know about the presidents, so don't judge me!"

"Look, it's been two years for your son and only a few weeks for his friend!" The Scoutmaster informed Peter, "Not one of those idiots has earned a single merit badge. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to administer some spankings."

"Aw, come on. Give them a little more time, huh?" Peter begged to the Scoutmaster.

"Alright! Alright!" The Scoutmaster responded, "You got three days to earn a badge!"

"Three days? That's tomorrow!" Peter acknowledged, "We gotta get goin'!"

Later, it was now dinnertime.

"Stewie, look what mommy made for desert." Lois said to Stewie as she placed a bowl of red gelatin on his high-chair.

"Oh, Jell-O. How exotic!" Stewie said sarcastically, "Why I feel like I'm on the deck of the _QE II_."

"Who?" Tyler asked in confusion.

"...imbecile." Stewie sighed.

"Uh, me, Chris and Tyler will take ours to go." Peter told Lois, "We only got one more night to get that badge."

Chris and Tyler looked at John and Meg, who both nodded to Chris and Tyler to inform them that now is a good time to tell Peter.

"Uh, dad, maybe we should just give up." Chris said to Peter.

"Yeah, we tried everything." Tyler joined Chris.

"Well, we almost got that one for insect study." Peter pointed out.

"I don't see how." Tyler said.

**Cutaway #3**

Peter, Chris and Tyler were behind what appeared to be bushes.

"Look, guys." Peter said to Chris and Tyler, "It's a whole family of WASPs."

It then panned to the left of the camera where it revealed to actually be the interior of a house with a WASP family. They were eating dinner acting very calm and relaxed.

"My, Margaret." The father said to his wife, "What a sub-par ham."

The wife's eyes widened in surprise after hearing her husband.

"Perhaps I can't bake a ham." Margaret said, "But what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table."

The husband was now the one having a shocked look on his face.

"Patty, did you know that your mother is a whore?" The husband asked the daughter at the right end of the table, where the man's question made the wife's eyes widen in shock once again.

**End**

The next day, Peter and Lois were sitting on the couch and talking about Chris and Tyler's position in the scouts.

"Peter, I think it's great that you, Chris and Tyler've been spending so much time together. " Lois said to Peter, "But there the ones who should be earning those badges."

"Hey, where do you get off telling me how to raise my son and helping out one of my friends?" Peter protested at Lois, but soon realized, "Oh. Oh, right. Heh, okay. We'll try it your way... honey." Peter then gave a nervous chuckle hoping she would buy his words.

Later that same day, Chris and Tyler have gotten back home.

"Hey! There's my scouts!" Peter acknowledged at Tyler and Chris' arrival.

"Well, not anymore, dad." Chris informed Peter, "We're out."

"And THANK GOODNESS!" Tyler praised.

"They made us turn in our uniforms and everything." Chris explained.

"Wha-?! Those bastards!" Peter exclaimed, "Don't you worry, boys. I'll get you both back in!" He then approached the phone.

"Uh, it's okay, dad." Chris said trying to stop Peter, "We're not really-"

"Ugh, ugh, ugh, hey, don't take no for an answer, guys." Peter told Chris and Tyler, "You're Griffins, including you, Tyler. And a Griffin never knows when to stop."

**Cutaway #4**

Peter was dressed as a surgeon and was trying to jumpstart a patient back to life.

"Clear!" Peter announced as he jumpstarted the patient's heart.

"Clear!" Peter repeated and jumpstarted the patient again.

"Clear!" Peter repeated a second and repeated the process when the patient soon opened his eyes and gained conscienceness.

"Y-You saved my life, doctor-" The patient thanked Peter.

"Clear!" Peter repeated before and accidentally shocked the patient out.

**End**

"I'm calling that damn troop leader right now." Peter said, "We're going over his head. Straight to the scout head office in New York." He then picked up the phone and dialed the number.

"Pack your bags, you guys!" Peter announced, "The Griffins are hitting the Big Apple!"

"Yay, New York!" Tyler cheered, until Chris gave him an angry look, "...oh, wait, that's right."

They then left and the window revealed Speed and Pops again, this time acknowledging the Griffins' trip.

"Ha-ha! Did you hear?" Speed asked Pops, "The Griffins are going to New York! Ha-ha!"

"This does not affect us at all. Ha-ha!" Pops noted.

Speed gave out another "Ha-ha!" for no reason.

Later, the Griffins were packing their cases into the car.

"I can't believe we're actually going to New York." Meg acknowledged at what was going on.

"I can't believe your dad is determined to go this far just to get Chris and Tyler back in the scouts." John acknowledged also.

"Uh, dad, you don't really have to do this." Chris assured Peter.

"Yes, I do." Peter reassured Chris, "No boys of mine are gonna get booted out of the scouts." Peter then raised his hand for a high-five.

Chris and Tyler then high-five him back in disappointment.

In the car, Lois was strapping Stewie in his seat.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Stewie demanded at Lois.

"Strapping you in, honey, so you don't get hurt." Lois informed Stewie.

"So I don't get hurt." Stewie repeated, "That's the best you can come up with, you dull-witted termagant?"

"I brought your Raffi tape." Lois said. Stewie stood there quiet for a few seconds.

"Play _Wheels on the Bus_ and get the hell out of my sight." Stewie ordered Lois with his arms crossed.

As everyone was almost ready to leave, Tyler then did a quick calculation at the number of passengers and realized only one was missing. Tyler was about to alert Peter when...

"Where's Brian?" Meg wondered as she noticed Brian wasn't with them and also interrupting Tyler.

Tyler then pouted in irritation from being interrupted.

Brian was sitting in a lounge chair on the lawn reading.

"Hey, aren't you coming?" Peter asked Brian.

"Uh, thanks, but no thanks. I've been to New York." Brian said, "It's like Prague sans the whimsy."

"Gesundheit." Tyler said.

"You got that right." John said.

"Will you be okay by yourself?" Lois asked Brian.

"Oh, I think I'll manage." Brian assured her as he swished his martini.

"Alright, you guys, we're off!" Peter said to the family, "Those scouts are never gonna know what hit 'em."

Peter backed up and accidentally hit another car from behind.

"What about that car?" Tyler asked.

"I've a feeling it, too." John pointed.

They drive off down the road leaving the wrecked car behind. Later, the Griffins are now playing a guessing game.

"Okay, I'm thinking of a movie." Lois told everyone.

"Is it an action movie?" Meg guessed.

"No." Lois answered.

"Uh, is it a musical?" Chris guessed.

"No." Lois repeated her previous answer.

"Is it a horror movie?" Tyler guessed.

"No." Lois repeated a second time.

"Dang it!" Tyler exclaimed.

"Adventure?" John guessed.

"No." Lois repeated.

"Uh, is it a good movie?" Peter guessed.

"Eh, it has it's moments." Lois said.

"_Cool Runnings_." Peter answered.

"Right!" Lois said.

Back at the Griffin house, Brian was watching TV on the couch. The program he was watching was _Nova _on PBS. On the screen was a scientist with a small dog beside him.

"After years of study, I've discovered the secret to longer life in canines." The scientist shown on the television said, which got Brian interested as he leaned in close to hear what the researcher had to say, "And that secret is-"

"We interrupt this program for a seven-hour marathon of _One Day at a Time_." An announcer on the TV explained out of nowhere, leaving Brian jaw-dropped dumbfounded.

It then cut to the middle of an episode of said show.

"Damn it, Julie." "I'm a single mother doing the best job she knows how!"

"And damn it, Schneider!" said as she turned to and pointed at Scheider, "I asked you to fix the sink two days ago!"

"Oh, I'll fix your fix your sink, Miss Romano." Schneider said to Romano, "And by 'fix your sink,' I mean I'll have sex with you."

Brian picked up the remote and tried to change the channel, but the remote wasn't working.

"And by 'have sex with you,' I mean I'll fix your sink." Schneider continued from on the TV.

Brian then decided to turn the dial on the TV to change the channel.

"And by 'sink,' I mean your reproductive organ." Schneider continued.

Brian turned the dial, but soon came off. Brian tried the other one and that fell off, too.

"And by 'reproductive organ,' I mean the thing between your knees." Schneider continued further.

It was then that Brian decided to unplug the TV, but it was somehow stuck.

"And by 'the thing between your knees,' I... Well, I guess that one's kind of self-explanatory." Schneider finally ended his statement.

Brian continued tugging the cord until it finally came out, but, much to Brian's surprise, the TV was still on, which he then fainted to the floor.

Meanwhile, the Griffins were still driving to New York, but they didn't seem to be making any progress.

"Peter, we're lost." Lois informed Peter, "Would you please find some place to ask for directions?"

"We are not lost." Peter assured Lois, "And even if we were, y-you know I can't ask another human being for directions."

"Okay, I'll bite." Tyler said, "Why?"

"Because I'm a man. And you're one, too." Peter asnwered Tyler, "Geez, haven't either one of you ever seen a stand-up comedian?"

"Yes." Tyler replied.

"Really, like who?" Peter asked Tyler.

"Robin Williams." Tyler said.

"Oh, yeah. Heh, he' pretty good." Peter acknowledged.

"Dad, maybe we should go home." Chris insisted.

"No way, son." Peter said to Chris, "We came here to get you and Tyler back into the scouts and that's exactly what we're gonna do."

Suddenly, Peter's stomache began to gurgle.

"What was that?" Lois asked.

"Nothing." Peter lied.

Peter's stomache soon gurgled again.

"There it is again." Tyler exclaimed.

"Peter, the car is making funny noises." Lois told Peter.

"Oh-ho, you're wrong again, Lois. That wasn't the car." Peter said, "Although you were right about that prune smoothie."

"Are you okay?" Lois asked Peter concerned.

"Oh, I'll be fine." Peter assured her, "I-I just have to concentrate on driving."

"Look, Mr. Griffin!" Tyler informed Peter.

"What?" Peter asked Tyler.

"A dump next door!" Tyler pointed out as a sign reading "**DUMP **NEXT LEFT."

"Tyler." Peter angrily muttered.

"Look, a 'WIDE LOAD'!" Tyler pointed out again as he spotted a truck hulling portable bathrooms.

"Quit it!" Peter warned Tyler.

"Look, an 'ALL STOOLS MUST GO!' sale!" Tyler pointed out again as they passed a building with stools placed outside. Peter groaned more in pain.

A car then came up in front of them.

"Look, an 'I heart my Shin Tzu' bumper sticker!" Tyler pointed out again.

"That's it, Tyler." Peter said to Tyler, "I swear to God, if you make one more joke another my current situation right now, I'll pull this car over and use YOU as a toilet!"

"I'll stop..." Tyler quickly remarked.

Peter, however, ran into a sign that read 'ONLY 15 MILES TO BOB'S HOUSE OF FECES.'

"Oh, come on!" Peter exclaimed, "That one's not even real."

"What about that one?" Tyler pointed to a sign that read 'CRAPS, CRAPS, CRAPS..."

"Oh, God!" Peter exclaimed in pressure, "We gotta stop!"

Peter pulled into the parking lot of a casino called "Geronimo's Palace."

"Wow!" Meg exclaimed in amazement as everyone got out, "An Indian casino!"

"Yeah, I gotta find me the stink lodge!" Peter said as he dashed inside.

"No, don't use me as a toilet!" Tyler pleaded to Peter, but realized Peter left, "Oh, thank you, God!"

"Come on, you guys." Peter quickly said, "No time to lose!" he rushed to the nearest bathroom, which was upstairs.

"Hold it." Peter said to himself trying to not defecate his pants as he got on the escalator, "Hold it! Hold it!" He then repeatedly squatted for about a few minutes.

"Ho. And welcome to our casino, palefaces." An animatronic Native American chief told the people going up the escalator, "Feel free to visit gift shop in lobby and restaurant on second floor."

"Do you have reservations?" Another animatronic Native asked the other animatroic.

"Only about the veal!" The chief said as he and the other machine laughed at the joke.

"Oh, geez, this is gonna be a photo finish, Lois!" Peter remarked.

"Go for it!" Tyler rooted to Peter as the latter dashed off to the mens' restroom.

"I'm going to ask someone for directions." Lois said to the kids, "Meg, watch Stewie." She placed Stewie down at Meg's side and went into a room filled with video poker monitors.

"Excuse me." Lois asked one of the casino's employees, "Can you tell me how to get to New York?"

"Well, sure." The employee said, "But what's your hurry, ma'am? Don't you want to play a little first?"

"Heh, thank you." Lois chuckled, "But I really don't approve of, heh heh, you know, gambling."

"Well, technically, it's not really gambling." The employee corrected Lois, "It's just us trying to rebuild our shattered culture after you raped our land and defiled our woman."

"Well, as long as you're not using it for firewater." Lois said in agreement as she took a coin out of her coin purse and put it in the slot.

Meanwhile, Stewie, John and Tyler noticed a show for a performer called Carrot Top. They decide to enter and watch the show.

"Look, a bow tie." Carrot Top announced trying to get the audience to laugh. Unfortunately, no one laughed.

"Really?" Tyler exclaimed at the bad joke.

Carrot Top was then using a tip from the bow as a microphone and sang from it high-pitched.

"Hey, I'm David Bowie." Carrot Top announced.

Again, no one laughed.

"Wow. Bo Derek." Carrot Top said again after placing a lampshade on top of one of the tips of the bow, when suddenly tomahawks were thrown at his direction, missing of course.

"Oh, very funny!" Stewie sarcastically praised the comedian as he was the one who was throwing the tomahawks at him, "Now tell the one that doesn't suck!"

The spotlight then went over to Stewie and got the audience to laugh.

"Oh, thank you. Thank you." Stewie said to everyone, "Yes, yes, and what's the deal with airline food?"

"Oh, no." John remarked.

Back in the bathroom, Peter was finished doing his business. He then washed his and dried them off from the towel of another employee.

"Hey, thanks, uh... 'Watches You Pee.'" Peter thanked the man as he exited the bathroom.

He then finds the kids, who were still waiting for Lois.

"Hey, where's your mother?" Peter asked the kids.

"Over there." Chris said pointing him to where Lois is.

Lois was still playing the digital poker monitor from earlier.

"Hey, I didn't know you knew how to play poker, Lois." Peter acknowledged to Lois.

"Yeah." Lois bluntly said, clearly hooked.

"How you doing?" Peter asked her.

"Yeah." Lois answered.

"That's good, honey. Now let's go." Peter said to Lois.

"Yeah." Lois bluntly said.

Peter now tried to pull Lois away from the game, but she held on tight. He yanked her a few times until he finally got her loose.

"It's funny." Lois remarked as she and everyone else exited the building, "I-I never knew video poker could be so much fun. You win a few hands and all those lights go off and you just feel so good inside."

"And you die a little inside, too." Tyler said.

"Yeah, gambling is great." Peter said, "No question about it."

"It felt so good, I just-I kept putting my money in and before I knew it, I lost $40." Lois confessed, "I'm so embarassed."

"Aw, that's okay, honey." Peter assured to Lois, "As long as you learned your lesson."

"Oh, I did, Peter." Lois told Peter, "F-For a couple of minutes. Then... This is so silly, I started playing again."

"Geez, I could swear I parked here." Peter acknowledged to where he thought the car was.

"Yeah, you did." Lois assured Peter, "Bu-But here's the really silly thing, Peter. I sort of bet our car."

This made Peter to exclaim in anger.

"Okay, I'm not going to panic." Peter said to himself, "I just need to go back into and find a high roller who'll pay a $1 million to sleep with my wife."

"What?" Lois exclaimed in disbelief, "That's ridiculous!"

"Come on, Lois. These people took $24 for the island of Manhatten." Peter pointed out to Lois, "They have no idea what things are worth!"

"Mr. Griffin, that was Mexico." Tyler corrected Peter.

"That was Mexico?" Peter asked.

"Yes." Tyler answered.

"Oh..." Peter said.

Later, everyone was in a reserved room. On the bed, Chris was busy drawing and Tyler was busy writing.

"Nice going, mom." Meg said to Lois, "I finally get my driver's license and you lose the car to a poker machine? How ironic."

"Tell me about it." John remarked.

"Hey, hey, hey, don't talk about your mother that way." Peter told Meg, "She is not an iron. Now, come on. We gotta figure out a way to get to New York and Chris and Tyler back into the scouts."

"But, uh, dad-" Chris tried to tell Peter.

"Hey, I got it." Peter acknowledged, "I'll-I'll just get Brian to wire us some money." Peter called their house number.

"Wonder what Brian's doing over there?" Tyler wondered.

At the Griffins' house, Brian was now enjoying _One Day at a Time_, where there was scattered papers, trash and even some empty martini glasses. The phone rang, but Brian was too busy with his show.

"Damn it, Julie!" Romano said to Julie, "I am not shacking up with my boyfriend. I am just going away for the weekend."

"Yeah." Schneider appeared and said to her, "All the way."

Brian hooted at Schneider's response, "Oh, damn, Schneider! What won't you say?"

Back at the room at the casino, Peter was upset to get no answer and hung up.

"No answer at the house." Peter announced, "You didn't bet that, too, did ya?"

"Probably." Tyler said.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Peter." Lois apologized to Peter, "I feel so foolish. It just seemed like such a good cause. Everyone in the tribe gets a share in the casino's profits."

"What did you just say?" Peter asked Lois.

"'I'm sorry, Peter'." Lois repeated.

"After that." Peter told Lois.

"'I feel so foolish?'" Lois repeated again.

"After that." Peter repeated.

"'Casino's profits?'" Lois repeated.

"Before that." Peter said.

"'Everyone in the whole tribe?'" Lois repeated.

"Now the whole thing." Peter told her.

"'Everyone in the tribe gets a share in the casino's profits?'" Lois repeated, which was what Peter wanted to hear.

"That's it!" Peter cheered as he grabbed Lois by her forearm, "Let's go!"

In the manager's office, Peter was trying to convince the manager to give him back his car.

"I'm sorry to hear about your, uh, 'misfortune.'" The manager said to Peter and Lois, "But we're not allowed to return gambling losses."

"Well, I think you can make an exception in our case, Lenny." Peter said to the manager, "See, uh, I'm an Indian, too."

"'scuse me?" Lois and the casino manager said in unison at Peter's statement.

"You heard me, I'm a member of your tribe." Peter told the manager, "And that entitles me to a share of your wampum, kemosabe."

"Whoawhoawhoa, wait a second, not so fast." The manager shrugged Peter's request, "Tell me of your history, of your, uh... of your past."

"Oh, I come from a long line of, of y-you people." Peter said, "My greatgrandfather's name was-was Jeep Grand Cherokee."

The manager didn't look convinced.

"Uh. I mean, Chief Grand Cherokee." Peter corrected his statement, "He was a rainmaker."

It then flashed back to a Native American resembling that of Peter. He was making a Native chant.

"I'm so happy doing the Neutron dance." Chief Grand Cherokee sang.

He continued doing the chant.

"I'm just burning doing the Neutron dance." Chief Grand Cherokee continued singing.

It then cut back to Peter in the manager's office.

"And he also killed a bunch of Krauts at Wounded Knee." Peter claimed, "So are you gonna give me back my car, or what?"

"Hm. I'll have to confer with the Council of the Elders." The manager said to Peter, "You wait right here." He got up from his chair and left.

"Are you nuts, Peter?" Lois said to Peter, "You'll never get away with this."

"Why not? I've fooled people before." Peter said to Lois, "Uh, y-y-you remember that time I pretended to be gay?"

**Cutaway #5**

It showed Peter simply watching _Caroline in the City_.

**End**

"Peter, there is no way they're gonna believe you're an Indian." Lois warned Peter.

It then showed the Council of the Elders with the manager along with them.

"He's an Indian, alright." One of the members proclaimed.

"How do you know?" The manager asked the man.

"I can tell." The member simply stated.

"Oh, you think everyone's an Indian." The manager told him, "He could just be another mooch trying to get a cut of our profits."

"Maybe we can put him through some sort of test, you know." Another of the members suggested, "Like a really impossible stunt to prove he's the real deal."

"Hey, way to think outside the bow, Frank." The manager praised his friend's scheme.

It then cut to Peter and Lois now with the council.

"To prove you are truly a member of our tribe, you must go on a vision quest." The manager told Peter.

Peter just stared blankly at the manager.

"Do you know what a vision quest is?" The manager asked Peter.

"Why, eh, of course I do. I'm an Indian." Peter answered hoping to convince them, "But, uh, why don't you explain it to my wife. She's a little slow in the head."

Lois showed a look of irritation at Peter.

"A vision quest is a sacred spiritual journey." The manager explained, "Your husband must go out in the wilderness without food or water."

"Or shoes." Frank quickly said.

"Y-Yeah, or shoes." The manager said, too, "He must remain there until he can communicate with nature. He must hear the wisdom of the rocks and trees and then his guiding spirit must appear to him and reveal a great personal truth. And it's gotta be a real vision. We're Indians. We're gonna know if he's lying." He and the elders then started howling ominous noises, causing Peter and Lois to back away and leave frightened. When they were gone, the elders immediately at the success of their plan.

"Sucker." The manager muttered.

The Griffins were outside the casino where Peter was about to start his vision quest.

"Peter, please don't do this." Lois pleaded to Peter, "We can buy another car. I-I'll give extra piano lessons on Sundays."

"Come on, Lois, all I gotta do is have a spiritual vision." Peter told Lois, "I mean, Tyler had one before we left."

It flashed back to the morning of the day before the Griffins left for New York. It had Tyler eating cereal and Brian reading the paper as usual.

"Oh, my gosh, Brian." Tyler exclaimed to Brian, "There's a message in my Alpha Bits. And it says 'Ooooo.'"

"Tyler, those are Cheerios." Brian informed Tyler.

"Way to kill the joke, Brian." Tyler said to Brian frustratedly.

It then flashed back to present day.

"You must begin your journey now." The manager told Peter after walking up to him.

"Now's your chance to be alone with dad." Meg informed Chris and Tyler.

"Yeah. Go over there and get it over with already." John insisted.

"Are you guys nuts?" Chris said to Meg and John, "We aren't attracted to dad."

"Tell him you don't want to be in scouts." Meg and John corrected in unison.

"Oh, go talk to him." Tyler realized, "That makes more sense."

"Yeah, thanks, Meg. Thanks, John." Chris said.

Tyler and Chris soon walked over to Peter to tell him.

"Uh, you know, I think I better go with them just so they'll be safe." John acknowldged to Meg as he went to their direction.

"Yipes." Meg said.

"Hey-Hey, dad, uh, can-can we come?" Chris asked Peter.

"Hey, how about it, Lenny?" Peter asked the casino manager.

"'Ey, what the hey? The more the merrier." He said, "Now get the hell outta here, you nut, and go have yourself a spiritual vision."

Peter, Chris, John and Tyler then went off in the woods. After awhile, they were starting to get tired.

"Oh, water!" Peter claimed as he found a riverbed, "Thank God!"

"Dad, I'm hungry." Chris complained to Peter, who was busy trying to drink the river water.

"Me, too." Tyler agreed, "Are we gonna die?"

"Of course not." Peter assured Tyler, "This isn't the first time I've had to find my own food in the wild."

**Cutaway #6**

It showed a girl resembling Little Red Riding Hood strolling through the woods. Suddenly, Peter jumped out from the bushes in a wolf costume, surprising and scaring the girl. She dropped her basket and ran away.

"Hehehehehe, dumb broad." Peter remarked at the cowardly girl, until in surprise a real wolf appeared out of nowhere and attacked Peter.

**End**

Later, it was now night and Peter and the boys hadn't returned yet. Lois was starting to get worried.

"They've been gone for over 6 hours." Lois informed the casino manager, "How long do these vision quests usually take?"

"Huh?" The casino manager exclaimed in confusion to Lois's question, "Well, you know, uh, it varies. You know, it depends on the person's age, a-a-and height... a-and sign."

"You have no idea, do you?" Lois said.

"Of course, I, I ,I... No." The manager answered.

"Well, then, why would you send my husband and son and their friends out into the wilderness without any food or supplies?" Lois asked demandedly to the manager.

"'Cause, uh, we really like your car?" The manager answered.

Lois simply sighed in fear that her husband, son and John and Tyler were probably never coming back as she approached the window. Meg placed her hand behind Lois to comfort her mother.

"They're dead, you know." Stewie said to Lois and Meg.

Meanwhile, deep in the woods, Peter was walking around the bonfire from lack of food, while the boys were asleep.

"Must eat. Haven't snacked in hours." Peter said to himself, "Can't feel my eyes. Wonder if club-footed midgets get justice in Heaven."

"Hot enough for ya?" An unfamiliar voice from out of nowhere asked Peter.

"Wha-What?" Peter exclaimed in confusion.

"I say, 'Hot enough for ya?'" The voice said again revealed to be a talking tree.

"Uh. Yeah, I guess." Peter answered, "Oh, my God! I'm-I'm communicating with nature! Uh-Uh, hey, um, uh, tree, if-if one of you falls and there's no one around, do-do you make a noise?"

"Are you kidding?" The tree asked, "Scott fell last week. He hasn't shut up about it since."

"Sure. Stand there and bitch!" The tree presumably Scott said to the tree Peter was talking to, "But would any of you take the time to HELP ME?!"

"Oh. Oh, I'm playing the world's smallest violin, Scott." Another tree behind Scott taunted him rubbing two twigs on his branch.

"Ay! Yo, Griffin!" A voice sounding that of Fonzie from _Happy Days_ said to Peter from above.

Peter looked up the sky and saw the clouds formed until an image of Fonzie appeared.

"The Fonz!" Peter exclaimed.

"Ay!" Fonzie exclaimed also.

"What are you doing here?" Peter asked Fonzie, "Shouldn't you be in the middle of a Tuscadero sandwich?"

"Yeah. But I'm also your spiritual guide, see?" Fonzie told Peter, "And I wanna lay a personal truth on ya. Now, Mr. C was a father to me and he always listened, you know? And Griffin, right now, your son needs you to listen to him. Whoa!"

"Wait, what about Tyler?" Peter asked Fonzie again, "He's not my son."

"Maybe not, but still, you consider him and John as two of your own."

"Really? Uh, gee, I never really thought of it that way." Peter asked in realization, "Uh, sure, whatever you say, heh. Um, Fonzie. There's something I always wanted to ask ya. Y-You were with a lot of girls. Did-Did you ever get a sexual disease?"

"Eh, herpes twice." Fonzie answered, "Oh, and the clap. Oh, and there's one more thing I want to say to you before I go."

"What's that?" Peter asked.

"Ay!" Fonzie exclaimed as he faded away.

Chris and Tyler soon woke up a second after Fonzie disappeared.

"Um, hey, dad?" Chris asked Peter, "Can me and Tyler talked to you?"

"Not now, son-" Peter said to Chris before realizing, "Oh, uh, sure. Uh, go right ahead."

"We don't want to be scouts, dad." Chris confessed to Peter. Without realizing, John woke up and heard the conversation.

"Yeah, it's just no fun there." Tyler joined Chris, "I guess you're pretty disappointed in us."

"Well... yeah!" Peter responded.

"Dad, this is what me and Tyler really like to do." Chris said as he and Tyler showed him their notepads.

"What, you want to draw?" Peter asked Chris.

"And I want to write." Tyler said.

"Ah, geez, boys, why don't you just stick a knife in my heart?" Peter lamented in disappointment, which Tyler and Chris hung their heads in shame. He then noticed John giving him a stern look.

"I mean, uh, so you-you drew this?" Peter asked Chris trying to show that he's interested.

"Yeah..." Chris moped, "I know, they suck."

"Well, not all of them." Peter assured Chris, "You know, s-some of them look pretty good."

"Really?" Chris asked.

"Yeah." Peter replied.

"Hey, Tyler." John asked Tyler, "You mind if I take a look at what you wrote?"

"Sure." Tyler said.

"Hey, hold on." Peter insisted, "I'd like to take a look, too."

John and Peter were then reading the story Tyler had written so far.

"Wow, Tyler. This ain't half-bad." John praised Tyler.

"Really? I- Wait." Tyler said.

"What? What is it?" John asked.

"Yeah, you okay?" Peter asked.

I... I'm starting to remember something." Tyler claimed, "Something from my past about who I am."

Tyler just stood there for a couple of seconds trying to figure what he was so fond about writing, until...

"That's it!" Tyler exclaimed in excite.

"What's it?" John asked.

"Writing." Tyler responded, "I think it's part of who I was, before our amnesia. I was an aspiring writer. I finally remember it again."

"Heh, I didn't know anyone in this family had any talent." Peter acknowledged, "Well, except for that one thing your mother does."

"You mean play the piano?" Chris asked.

"No, no, she-" Peter was saying, but stopped realized it was too much, "Yeah."

"You know, I-I probably don't say this often enough." Peter said to the boys, "But, uh, I'm really proud of you, Chris."

"Thanks, dad." Chris replied.

"And I don't really say this often much, either, but, uh, I'm glad to have met you and John, Tyler." Peter said to Tyler.

"Thanks, Mr. Griffin." Tyler replied.

They all then came up to each other and formed a group hug.

(A/N: Sorry if I'm still making this stuff sappy for you guys. I just thought this would be a good idea.)

Peter took another look at Chris' sketchpad and still seemed bothered before going back to the hug.

_And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon_

One of the trees started singing.

_Little boy blue and the man in the moon_

Soon, all the trees joined in and started singing.

_When you coming home, dad? I don't know when_

Then, one of the trees brought out a lighter and then lit it.

_But we'll get together then, son_

_You know we'll ha_-

"Ah! AHH! OH, MY GOD!" One of the trees screamed as it caught on fire from the other tree's lighter, which then spread.

"Ah, geez, let's get outta here!" Peter said as he, Chris, John and Tyler ran away for their lives.

"RUN, YOU STUPID BASTARDS!" One of the trees yelled at them.

The next day at the casino, Lois was in front of one of the video poker machines, deciding to try it again. Peter, Chris, John and Tyler just then finally came back.

"Peter." Lois exclaimed in joy while hiding the coin behind her back, "John. Tyler. Chris. Oh, thank God. Are you okay?"

"...Ooowww..." was all Tyler could say at the moment.

"It was fantastic, Lois!" Peter told Lois, "I saw my guiding spirit."

"Whoa, whoa, wait a second!" The casino manager stepped in, "You had a vision?"

"Oh, it was amazing!" Peter responded, "I spoke to the trees. And I saw the Fonz-"

"Really?" Lois exclaimed in intrigue, "What's the Fonz like? I bet he's stuck up."

"Eh, a little." Peter admitted, "But thanks to him, me, Chris, John and Tyler have never been closer."

"Oh, I want a spiritual vision, too!" The manager whined, "Man! I guess we've lost touch with our noble roots. I mean, sure this casino's brought our tribe money and prosperity, but what is the price of our souls?"

"Uh, $6 million a week." Frank answered.

"That sounds about right." The manager agreed, "You know what? Take your crappy car back." He then tossed the Griffins the keys to their car, "Come on, boys. Let's go hit the buffet." the manager and the other men then left.

"Alright! We did it!" Peter cheered, "Let's get the hell out of hell."

But before they could leave.

"Stupid, greedy savages!" Stewie said.

"Stewie, that's a terrible thing to say." Lois said to Stewie, "This one particular tribe has lost their way, but most Native Americans are proud, hardworking people who are true to their spiritual heritage. They are certainly NOT savages." The _The More You Know _logo then appeared above her, parodying the NBC program of the same name.

"Oh, that's funny, mother." Stewie said to Lois, "Just this morning, you said they were lazy like the dirty Mexicans." Stewie then chuckled and faced the screen, "Just kidding. The Mexicans are a cleann and industrious people with a rich cultural heritage." As with Lois, the same logo came up above Stewie, going further with the parody.

"Uhh, what's going on?" John asked in confusion at the situation.

"Maybe it's a different culture moment." Tyler assumed, "I don't know."

"Yeah, and not like those dumb, gargantuan Swedes." Meg acknowledged before turning to the audience, "Actually, the Swedish people run a gamut from very short to tall. And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel?" Continuing further with the parody, the logo then appeared above Meg.

It then showed John and Tyler supposedly keeping the joke going, but were actually unprepared because they didn't realized they were part of it.

"Wait. Are we suppose to say something here?" John asked, "Alright, uh, Tyler, what do you say to the audience?"

"Uh... Oh, people who migrate from Canada are called frostbacks." Tyler said hoping it would help.

However, all that could be heard were cricket chirps in the background.

"What?! It's true!" Tyler exclaimed, "Racist, but true."

Fortunately, the logo still came in as the jingle was heard, but it accidentally hit John at the back of his head. This got John angry as he snatched, broke it in half and threw it at the camera, knocking it over.

"THIS JOKE STINKS!" John shouted in rage as he stomped out of the scene.

(A/N: Don't worry, Canadian readers. It won't go like last time. You welcome.)

**The End**


	7. Brian: Portrait of a Dog

**Chapter 7: Brian: Portrait of a Dog**

It was another day in Spooner Street. In the Griffins' home, Peter was sitting at the couch with Chris.

"Come on, everyone." Peter said to the rest of the family, who just got in the room, "That _Eight is Enough_ reunion show is about to start."

"I wonder why that show got cancelled." Tyler wondered as he and everyone else was getting themselves comfortable to watch.

On the TV, the show had started with Thomas and Joanie in the living room where Mary walks in.

"Mary." Thomas said to Mary, "Have you seen Nicholas?"

"He's up in his room sulking, dad." Mary told her father and walked off.

"Yeah, he's still upset because Abby threw out his baseball cards." Joanie explained as she was reading a book.

"Oh, well, maybe I should make him a sandwich." Thomas suggested.

Joanie gave a slight laugh. "Oh, dad, that's your solution to everything." Joanie acknowledged to her father and went back to reading.

Thomas, however, didn't look too pleased at what she said about his idea and, for some unknown reason, started slapping her repeatedly.

This went on until Mary ran in and tried to stop her father.

"Dad!" Mary called out to Thomas, "DAD!"

"WHAT?!" Thomas shouted.

"Eight is enough!" Mary said.

Suddenly, Thomas chuckled with Mary and soon Joanie, who was getting up.

"You know I love you, girls." Thomas said to his daughters.

It cut back to the Griffins, who were immediately frozen in shock, surprise and, most likely, horror at what they just saw.

"Oh, that's why..." Tyler remarked about his statement earlier.

John and Tyler then looked at each other to seemingly say about their opinion about the episode, but then found Stewie having a satisfied grin on his face, as if he enjoyed the event they just saw on the TV. Stewie soon notices them as the smile on his face faded.

"The devil are you staring at?" Stewie said to John and Tyler as they were now giving him stern looks on their faces.

"You were the one responsible for that, weren't you?" John asked Stewie about what happened on the TV.

"YOU PROVE NOTHING!" Stewie shouted in protest against the duo's beliefs.

**Opening Credits**

_It seems today that ya see_

_Is violence in movies and sex on TV_

_But where are those good, old-fashioned values?_

_On which we used to rely_

They then change to gold leotards

_Lucky there's a Family Guy!_

_Lucky there's a man who positively can do_

_All the things that makes us_

_Laugh 'n Cry!_

_He's_

_A_

_Fam-_

_-ily_

_Guy!_

**End**

Stewie was busy cutting up squares out of his mother's blouses in his room, which were into a pile.

"Splendid." Stewie exclaimed, "That hausfrau's cheap rayon blouses will make a servicable parachute should I need to abandon my jet in mid-flight... Once it's built, of course."

Stewie then turned to his right.

"Rupert, did you call that engineer at Lockheed yet?" Stewie asked a teddy bear he called "Rupert," which was sitting up by itself, "No, of course, you didn't, you worthless little..." Stewie smacked the bear and it send it a few feet across the pile of clothes.

"There! See what you made me do?" Stewie scolded the bear, "Do you think I enjoy hitting you? Well, actually, I do. I enjoy it so much I am going to do it again!"

But before Stewie could get another chance to hit Rupert, Lois enters the room.

"Oh, Stewie!" Lois exclaimed as she found him cutting up her blouses, "My clothes are not for you to play with, understand?"

"Hi, Stewie!" Tyler cheerfully greeted Stewie as he entered the room with a big grin on his face.

"Uughh!" Stewie exclaimed after seeing Tyler's expression, "How much I despise that loathesome grin of yours."

"How's this?" Tyler asked as he made an even bigger smile.

Stewie then exclaimed in disgust at the sight of the smile.

"Thanks for telling me, John, Tyler." Lois thanked John and Tyler, "I don't know what we'd do without you both." Lois then walked out of Stewie's room with her shirts.

While John, Tyler and Brian watched Lois depart, Stewie looked at them.

"I'm onto you three." Stewie warned John, Tyler and Brian.

"Are you?" John asked sarcastically.

"Oh, yes!" Stewie answered.

"Were you laying on us?" Tyler asked Stewie as no one responded to Tyler's question for a good 3 seconds.

"You ever thought about sending this guy back to kindergarten?" Brian asked John, "You know, to start all over again?"

"Can we please return to the matter at hand, hm?" Stewie impatiently asked everyone and soon went back to the subject, "Your pathetic attempts to hinder my work have not gone unnoticed. You all prance about this house like the cocks on the walk. But will you three be prancing when, when..."

"When what?" Tyler asked Stewie.

"Let me finish." Stewie pointingly replied, "When... When there's nothing to prance about? Hm? Will all three of you be prancing then?"

"Maybe..." Tyler answered.

"Good one." John praised his pal.

Stewie just strolled out of the room without reply.

"Ah, you just want to eat 'em up." Brian stated as he, John and Tyler exited the room.

"You sure do." John remarked.

"I don't want to eat Stewie." Tyler said.

Another 3 seconds of silence passed.

"Seriously, what the hell's wrong with him?" Brian asked John.

"What do you mean?" John asked back.

"Never mind..." Brian replied defeated.

Later that after, the Griffins were watching TV as usual when Meg came in.

"Ugh! It is so hot out there!" Meg complained.

"How hot is it?" Everyone but John asked Meg in the tone of the audience of _The Match Game_.

"It is so hot that you could (blank)." Tyler said also in the tone of the same show's host.

"Uh, I don't know." Meg said, "Like, around 98, 99."

"SURVEY SAYS!" Tyler shouted as a buuzer went off in the background.

"Uh, what was that?" John asked Tyler.

"It was from _The Match Game_." Tyler told John.

"Tyler, I don't think she was just playing a joke." John remarked, "She was just saying it was hot outside."

"Oh..." Tyler replied until, "Tell her what she's won, Johnny!"

"Well, Tyler." Johnny from _The Match Game_ appeared and said to Tyler, "For winning-"

"Stop." John ordered Tyler.

"Okay..." Tyler and Johnny replied.

"Eww, I think I'm a little sweaty." Meg remarked as she walked toward the air conditioner.

"You!" Stewie pointed at John and Tyler, "You two seem to know all the players in this poorly-acted farce. What do they call that one?" Stewie pointed the duo's attention to Meg, who was cooling off.

"That's your sister, Meg." John answered Stewie.

"Meg!" Stewie called to Meg, "You vile-smelling girl, you're not to touch any of my things! You understand me? Dirty, sirty gir- AH!" John flicked Stewie at the left side of his head in Meg's defense.

Later again, the town was now caught in the heat wave. Inside the house, Lois, Chris and Brian were in the living room trying to watch TV to take their mind off the heat with a couple of fans around them to help.

"Meanwhile, here at home, Quahog remains in the sweltering grip of a freak heat wave." Diane Simmons said on the news with her blouse open exposing her purple bra.

"I don't think you should use the word 'freak,' Diane." Tom Tucker, who was without his coat and his tie was loosened said to Diane, "Some people might find it offensive."

**Cutaway #1**

It showed Tom having breakfast with his son, whose head is shown only at the back.

"Finish your oatmeal, son." Tom told his son.

"Why bother?" Tome's son said who was now shown at the front... with an upside down face, "I'm just a freak! A freak!" The boy knocked over his bowl of outmeal.

Tom could only pity his child.

**End**

"We're all a little different, Diane." Tom said to Diane, "Each one of us."

"Good point, Tom." Diane remarked, "We're certainely feeling the effects of this heat wave even here at our studio." Dine then called Tom "freak" whilst pulling a fake sneeze, "So stay inside and stay cool."

Cuts back to the couch.

"I think I saw one of her nipples!" Chris claimed as he pointed at the TV.

"Chris, that's a terrible word! 'Nipple.'" Lois told Chris, " I'll chalk that up to the heat, mister."

"I say, am I to strut about all day like a beggar child on the streets of Calcutta?" Stewie asked as he came in the room in his diaper with a yellow shirt, "Fetch me something linen to throw on before I call Child Services!"

"Please don't threaten mommy." Lois said to Stewie, "She's very hot."

"You can threaten me, Stewie- Wait, that didn't came out right." Tyler said before realizing what the topic was.

"Chris, you're hogging up all the fans!" Meg told Chris as she took one of the fans to her face to cool.

"Yeah? Well..." Chris said before pausing, "You're hogging up all the ugly!"

Meg and John, who was sitting by Chris, gave the latter an unimpressed look.

"Hey, check this out, you guys!" Peter said to the family as he came in through the front door, "The Rhode Island Dog Show Championship is in Quahog this year! First prize is $500!"

"Really?" Lois exclaimed in interest, "You know, if you won, we could use that money for a new air conditioner."

"Hey, Brian, you can win for sure." Meg said to Brian, "You could, uh, you could do your impression of a barbershop quartet."

"Or you could hire the Dapper Dans to help you out." Tyler recommended.

"Except you would need permission from Disney in order to do that." Brian informed Tyler.

"DANG IT!" Tyler exclaimed, "Fine, do the barbershop quartet."

**Cutaway #2**

Brian was dressed up in barbershop quartet attire as he was outside at night.

_We were sailing along_

_On Moonlight Bay-ay-ay-ay-ay_

The Griffins were sitting on a bench listening to Brian's performance, except Meg who was laying on her stomach.

_We could hear the voices singing_

_They seem to say_-

Brian was hit by what appeared to be John's shoe.

"SHUT UP!" John yelled offscreen.

**End**

"Uh, sorry." Brian gently declined, "I-I don't-I don't do dog shows. It's not my thing."

"Come on, Brian." John begged Brian, "All you gotta is do a few simple commands and we'll get that air conditioner."

"Yeah, it'll be like taking candy from a baby." Peter acknowledged.

**Cutaway #3**

Peter was at a park next to a mother with her baby in it's crib whilst it was also holding up a lollipop. Peter tried to take away the baby's candy, but the mother slapped it away. This repeated slowly at first, but then got faster and fast every time.

**End**

"Please, Brian." Meg begged.

"I-I don't know. I mean, eh, I don't even know where my papers are." Brian said, "Can't you get the money some other way?"

"Oh, believe me, I've been trying." Peter said, "That's why I went on that game show."

**Cutaway #4**

The show Peter mentioned going on to get the money was _Jeopardy!_

"For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95% of all cosmetic products." The host stated as he was reading from an index card.

"Diarrhea." Peter quickly answered.

The audience laughed at Peter's answer.

"What?" Peter asked, "Oh, oh, oh, sorry, sorry. What is diarrhea?"

**End**

"Actually, Mr. Griffin. I was thinking me and Tyler could be the ones to help train Brian." John said to Peter, "It can also help us getting to know more about him. That is is he wanted to, that is."

Brian watched as he realized the family was really dependant that he could win.

On the following night, John and Tyler were with Brian.

"Alright, let's go over the commands." John said, "Tyler, tell us what the book says."

"Okay, first off sit." Tyler responded.

Brian scoffed as he walked offscreen and came back with a chair. He placed it in fornt of the duo and sat on it.

"Uhh... Good?" Tyler congradulated Brian feeling awkward about what happened.

"What's next." John asked.

Rollover." Tyler replied.

"Guys, I'm already shvitzing like crazy here." Brian complained, "Let's call it a night, huh?"

"Very well." Tyler remarked.

"What?" John exclaimed in surprise, "But we just got started."

"Yeah, w-we haven't even talked about how you're gonna wear your ears." Peter agreed, "'Cuz you know, I was thinking up."

"Ugh, I need a cocktail." Brian said as he left the room.

"Don't push too hard, John." Lois said to John, "You gotta take Brian's feelings into consideration. After all, it's only a dog show."

"Yeah. Except it's also our oly chance at being able to afford a new air conditioner." John reminded Lois of the other reason Brian's attending.

"He's right, listen to him, Lois." Peter said to Lois, "Because right now you're sucking all the energy out of the room."

"That's not sucking up the energy out of the room, Mr. Griffin." Tyler said to Peter offscreen, but soon showed Tyler with a very large vaccuum cleaner almost as big as the room, "THIS is sucking all the energy in the room!"

"Tyler, no, wait!" Peter warned Tyler, "The very balance of the universe will be at risk if you turn that damned thing on."

"What's that now?" Tyler asked, "I'm busy about to turn this on."

"NNOOOOO!" Peter exclaimed in horror as Tyler flipped the switch.

Peter, Lois and John fled as the vaccuum began sucking up all the furniture in the room. Then it cut to the outside of the house where the whole thing was soon sucked by the vaccuum. The it sucked up the whole town, then the whole country, then after going to a view of the planet's orbit, the entire scene was sucked up, leaving only a blank, white space.

The next day where everything is back to the way it was before, Brian was drying himself off with a hairdryer in the bathroom. Then for a moment bites the hot air coming out of the hairdryer a couples of times. Then he heard a knock on the door and put the hairdryer down.

"Come." Brian told who was behind the door.

"I, uh, got you a little something. From John and Tyler." Lois said to Brian as she was holding a small gift, "You know, for the show."

Brian opened it and found it to be a black collar with a gold buckle.

"It's Italian." Lois informed Brian, "Do you like it?"

"Oh, it's exquisite." Brian praised.

"It's-It's not for everyday." Lois soon explained.

"Clearly." Brian remarked, "I'm gonna put it on right now."

"I know how hard you've been working and, well, the whole family appreciates it." Lois informed Brian who was putting on his new collar, "I also want to let you know that John and Tyler are doing the best they can to not only be your trainers, but also your friends."

"Oh, I'm sure they've proven that already." Brian said.

"Well, maybe." Lois agreed, "But they don't seem to know that and I think this could really help you bond with them, not just as friends, but also family. So, would you mind giving it a chance, just this once?"

"Well..." Brian sighed, "I guess I'll give it a try."

"Thank you." Lois said to Brian, "I should go. We'll be waiting downstairs whenever you're ready. And Brian..." Brian turned to Lois after she called him, "...you look very handsome." She then closed the door behind her after telling Brian.

Brian then dropped a few eyedrops before taking a deep breath and exclaimed "Showtime!" with a big grin on his face.

The Griffins arrive at the soocer field where the dog show was taking place at.

"Welcome to the Quahog Dog Show." One of the hosts of the competition announced, "Today's competition will be almost as hot as the weather, which is once again in the triple digits."

As they walked by, Brian noticed a bird flying by that, for no reason, bursts from combustion. He then noticed all the others contestants getting ready.

"Peter, I'm not-I'm not really comfortable with all this." Brian said to Peter as he soon noticed a dog sniffing his behind, "Do I know you?" The dog immediately left.

"You don't have to do it if you don't want to." Tyler told Brian.

"Uh, Tyler, remember the reason why we're-" John reminded Tyler.

"Oh, right, sorry." Tyler said.

"I-I don't think I can do this." Brian admitted.

"But we can't quit now." John said, "We came this far."

"He's right. Hey, look, how about a pill? Something to relax you before you go on, eh?"

"Peter, are you offering Brian drugs?" Lois asked Peter.

"Not drugs, Lois." Peter assured her, "Just-Just a little blue thing celebrities take to help them perform."

"Well, those celebrities are wrong!" Lois protested.

"Lois!" Peter exclaimed, "If Liza is wrong, then I don't wanna know what right is."

**Cutaway #5**

Liza Minnelli was in her dressing room.

"Two minutes 'til curtain, Mrs. Minnelli." A stagehand informed the singer.

"Oh, come on, baby!" Liza pleaded to someone to the right offscreen, "Mama's gotta sparkle! It's time to make life a cabaret!"

The person she was talking to was revealed to be... a blue M&amp;M.

"Lady, for God's sake, I'm just a hard-shelled chocolate candy! GET HELP!" The M&amp;M said to Liza.

**End**

Stewie was trying to use an ad for the dog show to fan himself, to no avail. He discarded the ad and tried to get out, but couldn't.

"You there, child-woman!" Stewie called out to Meg next to him, "I'll give you a shiny new dime if you'll roll me into the nearest lake."

"Let me see if I can find you a juice box. Okay?" Meg affectionately said to her brother and left.

"Wow." John thought after seeing Meg's behavior, "That seemed real nice of her. Even though it is toward Stewie."

"Yes. Get the lead out, pudgy!" Stewie yelled.

"Okay, I've had enough." John said as he unstrapped Stewie out of his stroller and went off.

"Wait. What are you doing?" Stewie demanded.

"Teaching you to treat your family with respect." John told Stewie.

"And how do you suppose you do that, hm?" Stewie questioned John's plan.

"By dropping you to the nearest lake." Tyler answered.

"WHAT?!" Stewie exclaimed as he was soon dropped from the edge of a hill, who screamed as he fell and splashed into the water below.

John and Tyler managed to get back to the show in time where it was about to begin.

"Next, John and Tyler Griffin and their dog, 'Brain.'" The announcer said.

"Brian!" Tyler corrected.

"Well, we're off to a good start." Brian remarked.

Brian then got in his starting position and the official started the event. Brian was off as he skipped through the first three obstacles.

"Go, Brian!" John and Tyler cheered in unison.

He then he stopped for a quick cigarette break during the event.

"Uh..." Tyler replied in confusion.

Brian took one inhale and instantly put out his cigarette before continuing on until he got past the last obstacle.

"A beautiful performance from 'Brain' Griffin!" The announcer praised.

"Go, Brian!" The family cheered Brian on.

Brian then stopped and panted a few times before John and Tyler came up to him.

"Okay, Brian, we're good to go." Tyler informed Brian.

"Here." John said as he placed a dog biscuit on top of Brian's nose.

"Wha-What-What the hell is this?" Brian asked in confusion.

"It's the part where you beg for a treat." John explained.

"Oh, I don't think so." Brian refused as he took the biscuit off his nose.

"Brian, don't." Tyler begged Brian.

"Yeah, come on, Brian." John begged also, "Just do one more trick and you're done."

The audience began to feel concerned about Brian's act of refusal.

"God, they can't expect Brian to do that." Lois noted.

"It easier than it looks, mom." Chris informed Lois.

"I'll go see if I can help." Peter said as he got up and went to John and Tyler.

"Brian, we had a deal." John reminded Brian.

"What's the problem, Brian?" Peter asked Brian.

"The problem is that these two tried to get me to beg for this." Brian explained as he showed Peter the dog biscuit, "Well, you know what? The deal's off. Me and the little shred of dignity I have left will be waiting in the car!" Brian threw the biscuit at Peter's gut and walked off.

"Bri-Brian, come back here!" Peter ordered Brian, "Hey, don't you walk out on me! Hey- Uh..." Peter noticed the crowd was now directing their attention at him, "Heh, uh, I now command you to leave. Yep, keep goin'. Yep, th-th-that's right. Yeah, flip me off. Good boy. Hehehehe." This only made Peter more aware that the crowd wasn't impressed.

The family was now driving home.

"How could you let us down like that, Brian?" John asked Brian about his protest.

"Oh, I let you down?" Brian assumed, "Wh-Why? Because I refused to demean myself by perpetuating the stereotype of the 'good dog'?"

"I kinda agree. This was the one thing one of us has ever asked you to do for this family." Peter remarked, "Well, you know, this and not, uh, do that thing where you drag your ass across as the carpet."

"Oh! Oh! One time I did that! I just wanted to see what it felt!" Brian pointed out.

"Boys, boys, please!" Lois urged quartet to stop fighting, "Let's just have a nice family car ride like we always do."

"Yeah, except for the time dad hit that deer." Chris reminded everyone of one incident.

**Cutaway #6**

Instead of what it is assumably stated above, however, it was acutally Peter accidentally hitting the front of an anthropomorphic deer's car, whom was with Peter surveying the crash.

"Yeah, well, looks-looks like it's just a ding." Peter stated, "Uh, you know, there's-there's no reason to get the insurance companies involved."

"Well, uh, you know, I should still take down your information, though." The deer said.

"Really? 'Cuz, you know, you-you could probably just buff that out, I mean-" Peter pointed out.

"Yeah, but I-I-I just, I really-" The deer tried to say, but Peter kept talking.

"I would really, I would really feel better if I got your information." the deer finally spoke.

**End**

"You know, Brian, I feel like you don't trust us or something." Tyler said to Brian.

"Yeah, you're acting as if we don't care about you." John agreed.

"Guys, if you cared about me, you'd never ask me to do something so degrading." Brian told off the duo.

"Hey, look, you, the next time someone asks you to do something, I expect you to do it. Understand?" Peter told Brian.

"You're taking their side, Peter?" Brian asked Peter.

"Who wants to sing show tunes?" Lois asked hoping it'll get their mind off what happened, "'In olden-"

"Stop the car." Brian demanded.

"Oh, oh, is that what you want, mister?" Peter questioned, "Because I'll stop."

"Pull over now." Brian demanded.

"Fine!" Peter and John replied as the car made a screeching halt. Brian got out and was about to walk off.

"Aye, God." Lois exclaimed in annoyance, "Brian, please don't do this."

"Yes, please, Brian." Tyler pleaded, "Just give us another chance."

Brian thought a moment and decided to go.

"Is the doggie going bye-bye? Ew, I'm so sad." Stewie said sarcastically as he soon looked to the back view of the car, "QUICK! BACK-UP!"

Eventually, it was night and Brian was still walking home. He was soon picked up by a cop while he was great walking.

"Oh, great." Brian exclaimed as the vehicle stopped next to him and the policeman got out, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"Can I see your license, boy?" The officer asked Brian.

"'Boy'?" Brian said confused to why the man called him that until, "Oh. Oh, God." He realized that he was still wearing the collar he wore for the dog show and was now in trouble, "Uh, I-I left it on my other collar."

"You been chasing cars tonight, boy?" The officer asked Brian.

"Look, the name is Brian." Brian told the officer, "I was just out for a little walk, that's all."

"Uh-huh. Without a leash?" The officer questioned.

Brian didn't reply to the cop's question.

"I'm gonna have to ask you to lie down on the sidewalk." The officer ordered Brian, who took a look and soon turned to the officer, "Uh! Down!"

"I don't believe this." Brian sighed.

The policeman drove Brian back to his house and was talking to Peter about what happened.

"I, uh, don't suppose you could let us off with a warning, huh?" Peter asked.

"Sorry, sir. But leash laws are for his own good." The officer informed Peter, "The fine is $10. You behave, little fella, you hear me?"

"Oh, Lordy, Lordy, I'll never roam again!" Brian replied in a sarcastic slave voice.

Peter closed the door.

"Jackass." Brian muttered after.

"Hey, he's the law outside this house, just like I'm the law inside this house." Peter said to Brian, "And you better start obeying both of us."

Unaware to both Peter and Tyler, John and Tyler were walking up the basement stairs in their room and were about to leave through the door when they heard Peter and Brian's conversation.

"And you also better give John and Tyler some respect from now on." Peter informed Brian from outside John and Tyler's room, "They just want to know you better."

"Oh, come on, look at them." Brian said to Peter, "Two teenage boys who can't even remember who they are, can't even be friends with a mesily dog."

This somewhat hurt the duo back in their room and they didn't bother to leave.

"Geez, what a bitch." Peter remarked to himself back in the living room.

The next morning, everyone was in the kitchen about to have breakfast.

"Good morning, Quahog." Diane Simmons greeted on the kitchen TV, "Well, the heat wave is finally broken, Tom."

"It sure has, Diane." Tom replied, "You know what they say, 'If you don't like the weather in New England, go back where you came from.'"

"Uh, I don't think that's the expression." Diane said worried.

"Yeah, I guess I had one too many bloody marys this morning." Tom agreed, "But, anywa-" Tom then accidentally belched out some of the acclaimed bloody mary which splatted a bit on his papers. "Oh, God, I hope the boss isn't watching." Tom said out of embarassment as he wiped off the bloody mary with his tie.

Diane laughed nervously.

"Heh. I don't know how those two manage to be so perky in the morning." Peter remarked.

"Same here." Tyler agreed.

"Mmm, something smells good." Meg acknowledged.

"Homemade cinnamon buns." Lois said, "Fresh from the tube." She then poked the belly of the Philsbury, who was just standing there giggling from being tickled.

"Nothing says 'I love you' like something from-" The Philsbury Doughboy remarked before Lois began to flatten him with her rolling pin, "Hey, what the hell are you doing, you crazy bi-" He was then flatten all the way.

"These oughta cheer Brian up." Lois said, "Cinnamon buns are his favorite."

"Oh, really?" Peter asked, "'Cuz, you know, I-I-I could've sworn his favorite was 'treat Peter, John and Tyler like crap' buns."

Brian walked into the kitchen after Peter said that.

"Good morning, Brian." Lois greeted Brian, "My, your summer coat is really coming in nicely. Isn't it, Peter?"

"Uh, yeah, yeah." Peter replied, "Uh, must be that special jojoba shampoo I bought ya. It cost a little extra, though."

"Yeah and I could've sworn I bought a collar meant specifically for that." John claimed.

"Exactly." Tyler agreed, "How's that not a sign of good friendship?"

"I know." Peter said, "I mean, we'd do anything for you, Brian."

Brian glanced at Peter, John and Tyler unimpressed. "I'll be on the veranda since you three are already on the cross."

"What now?" John and Tyler exclaimed in unison and in confusion.

"Oh, eat with us, Brian." Lois begged as she picked up a plate of cinnamon buns, "I made cinnamon buns."

"Please, Brian." Tyler begged Brian, "All this fighting is making me feel real sad."

Everyone but Brian and Stewie then exclaimed in pity for Tyler after hearing his speech.

"May I guess that the only way you'll feel better is for me to balance that plate on my nose?" Brian sarcastically asked Tyler.

"Brian, stop this." Lois said, "Can't you get along with John and Tyler like you do with Peter?"

**Cutaway #7**

The cutaway was actually a parody of a 1920s cartoon starring Peter and Brian in classic cartoon design.

In the "cartoon," Brian was sawing some lumber when Peter comes in with another large piece of lumber. He sets it down and wipes off some sweat.

Suddenly, a safe falls from the sky and flattens Brian. Peter is distraught and tries to crack the combination to the safe. He manages to get it open to find Brian unscathed with his arms crossed.

Then a title card popped up and read "Ha-ha-ha-ha!" as Peter and Brian were shown chuckling.

The cartoon then ended with Peter and Brian walking off into the sunset.

**End**

"It can never be like things are with me and Peter, not after the way they treated me." Brian said, "Not after the things I've seen."

"What did you see?" Chris asked Brian.

"Was it dark things?" Tyler asked.

"W-Was it breasts?" Chris asked hoping it was the answer.

"Geez, Brian, haven't you heard of forgive and forget?" John asked Brian.

"He's right, Brian." Tyler assured Brian, "It's never a good idea to hold onto grudges, no matter what happened."

"Yeah, how bad do you really have it with those two?" Peter questioned Brian, "When I found you, you were nothing but a stray."

"Huh?" John and Tyler exclaimed in surprise.

"You swore you would never speak of that." Brian gasped.

In a flashback, Brian was just as Peter claimed; a stray dog with a 5 o'clock shadow and was holding up a bottle of booze on his right hand and a sign reading "Will Sit For Food" on his left hand. Peter's car pulled up in front of a stoplight near Brian. Brian smiled as he grabbed a wodded up newspaper and a spray bottle.

"Uh, uh, no, thank you. I just had it cleaned." Peter said to Brian trying to get him away, but Brian still sprayed the windshield and dried it off with the newspaper where it had rub marks on the front, "Oh, uh, um... Ah, geez."

"All set, sir." Brian said to Peter.

"Uh, I-I don't have any change." Peter told Brian, "Sorry."

"Oh. Tha-That's okay." Brian shrugged, "No charge."

Brian then walked off as Peter looked at him and soon pitied the poor canine.

"W-W-Wait! Wait!" Peter stopped Brian, "Uh, Y-Y-Y-You hungry? 'Cause, uh, you know, my-my wife makes this beef-a-roni casserole. Out of this world."

Brain smiled in confidence as he knew he was getting something to eat.

It then flashed back to present day.

"Look, Brian, we're just trying to get to know you, that's all." Tyler informed Brian, "Maybe even a little more."

"That's right." John agreed, "Now just eat your cinnamon buns and stop being a bad dog, for crying out loud."

Brian gasped in shock after hearing that last part. "How dare you?" Brian exclaimed in outrage, "HOW DARE YOU?!" Brian slammed his mug hard on the table and headed toward the door.

"And where do you think you're goin'?" Peter demanded.

"Out!" Brian answered pissed.

"Hey! You're not going anywhere without your leash!" Peter warned Brian.

"I don't need your damn leash and I don't need you nor them!" Brian said as he pointed to John and Tyler, "I'm goin' for a walk."

"Don't worry." Peter assured everyone, "He won't get far without this." He held up a milking machine.

"Mr. Griffin." Tyler said to Peter, "That's the wrong one."

"Oh." Peter replied.

At the Quahog Mini-Mart, Brian was about to purchase a box of baggies as he placed it on the counter.

"And a pack of Eldorados," Brian told the cashier, "unfiltered."

The cashier gave Brian a blank stare.

"What?" Brian asked as he looked behind him, "Oh, that, yeah. I'll clean that up on my way out."

"See that sign?" The cashier asked Brian pointing at the sign on the door that read "No Dogs Allowed," "Now why don't you go tie yourself up to that parking meter? I don't want any trouble." The cashier placed his hand on a gun underneath the counter and Brian walked back from the man's threat.

Meanwhile at home, the Griffins were watching a commercial on TV. In it was a mother and her daughter laying on a blanket in a green meadow.

"Mom, have you ever had a problem with freshness?" The daughter asked her mother.

"What do you mean, honey?" The mother asked back.

"You know." The daughter replied, "Have you ever felt not so fresh?"

"I'm-I'm not sure what you're... I-I-I don't follow you." The mother admitted confused about her daughter's question.

"Um... Have you ever felt like you're, you know, dirty?" The daughter tried to make it clearer, but the mother didn't answer, "Down there?"

"Oh-OH! Oh! Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, God, no!" The mother answered at last realizing what her daughter meant.

Cuts back to the Griffins.

"Oh, that was Brian's favorite commercial." Lois lamented.

"'Brian'? 'Brian'? 'Brian'?" Peter muttered, "No, no, no, it's not ringing a bell."

"No, it rings a bell." Tyler corrected, "It's faint- Oh! Now the bell broke."

"Yeah. Just like our friendship with a certain mutt." John scolded.

"Oh, stop it!" Lois said to John and Tyler, "We all miss him. Go find him, apologize, and bring him home."

"Well, I guess it is our fault." Tyler admitted.

"Same here." John agreed, "We didn't mean to push him away. We were just wanting to get closer to our family. Brian included."

"Look, you boys heard him. He doesn't want to be involved with you nor this family." Peter said to both John, Tyler and Lois, "And we don't need him. We can get another pet."

"No." Tyler reacted.

"Yeah, dad." Chris agreed with Tyler, "No one can take Brian's place."

"Silence! Silence! Silence!" Stewie hushed everyone, "That mongrel is probably decomposing on the side of a dirt road as we speak! Let's get a kitty!" He was joyfully jumping up and down after saying that last part.

"See, gang?" Peter asked everyone, "Stewie's got the right idea!"

"For once." John muttered.

"What was that?!" Stewie reacted.

"I don't know, Peter." Lois said to Peter warily.

"Lois, trust me." Peter assured Lois, "We'll get a lovable kitty-cat and everybody will feel a lot better."

It then cut to the kitchen with a small hissing cat prancing on top of the fridge. The Griffins were on ground level trying to get it to come down.

"Ah, he-here, kitty, kitty." Peter called out to the cat, "Come on down, eh, nice and easy." While the Griffins weren't looking, a Black Cat firework fell from where the cat was, "That's a good kitty-"

The Blackcat popped and it made the Griffins react and back away.

"The hell was that?-" Peter asked as another firework quickly dropped from the top and popped again, causing the same reaction.

Another firework falls down on the floor and Tyler bends down to see what it is.

"Oh, I get it." Tyler said in realization, "It's a-"

The firework, however, popped before Tyler had the chance to finish his sentence. He rises back up and his head was covered with sut.

"...Black Cat." Tyler finished his sentence before dropping to the floor.

Later at night, Brian was walking into a restaurant by the name of Taste of Sicily.

"Uh, something near a window." Brian told the reservationist, "Preferably a booth."

This got the clerk mad and threw Brian out at back.

"Yeah! Yeah, ya got 50 Puerto Ricans in the kitchen!" Brian smack-talked, "Yeah, that's-that's authentic Italian."

He soon stumbled upon what appeared to be the spaghetti scene from _Lady and the Tramp_, where the Tramp rolled the meatball to Lady.

"Oh, don't do that." Brian said to the dogs, "That's what they expect you to do."

The dogs were only confused by what he meant as they gave a quick look at each other before turning back to Brian.

"Yeah, o-okay, maybe you don't see it now." Brian said, "But-But what about if your puppies could? And your puppies' puppies? God, am I the only one who's outraged here?!" Brian then took a deep inhale and then exhaled before going back to the dogs.

"I'm-I'm-I'm sorry." Brian apologized, "Enjoy your dinner." He then left them to themselves.

That same night, it was dinnertime back at the Griffin house.

"Hey, how come you're still setting a place for Brian?" Peter asked Lois as he entered the kitchen and noticed Brian's place was set.

"Because when he comes home, I want him to know he never left our thoughts." Lois explained, "I know you, John and Tyler are thinking about him, too, Peter."

"Look, Lois, he broke his promise to those boys." Peter told Lois, "Besides, we have a new pet and we love our fluffy kitty." Peter turned to reveal a couple of scratch marks on the back of his body, "Although, he seems mostly nice to Tyler."

The next day, Brian was walking through a park where he decided to get a drink of water from the fountain. This caught everyone's attention and disgust.

"Oh, gross." A female jogger exclaimed, "Did he just drink from the fountain?"

Then two cops stepped in and tried to arrest Brian.

"Hey, you!" One of the officers hollered out to Brian.

Brian ran off as soon as he realized what they were about to do.

"Stay!" The cops ordered Brian again as a chase ensued.

For some reason, it lead them to the chase scene from _Raiders of the Lost Ark_. Brian tried to lose them by turning over fruit carts where the fruit spilled, which seemed to have worked. They then noticed a heavily-robed person with a tail sticking out. They suspect this to be Brian, only to find after pulling of the cloak to be an ugly, old woman. The policemen then give up the chase and leave, where it shows that Brian was actually hiding in a basket near a stand, where it also reveals Joyce DeWitt coming out.

"Joyce DeWitt?" Brian exclaimed, "So, that's where you've been."

Joyce only shushed Brian.

Later that evening, Brian was now sleeping at a bus station.

"Sorry, pooch. You gotta sleep outside." A bus driver informed Brian, "No dogs allowed in the bus station."

"Oh, my-my-my blind guy's in the john." Brian lied.

"I'll point him in your direction." The bus driver remarked as he got Brian off the bench.

Meanwhile, back at the Griffin's house that same night, John and Tyler were about to head to bed when John felt like his foot tapped something. It was Brian's tennis ball.

"Brian's tennis ball." John acknowledged, "Man, he loved to play with this thing."

**Cutaway #8**

Brian was playing tennis as he soon served.

"Double fault!" Said the referee.

"Ahh! Come on, Brian." Brian said to himself.

**End**

John and Tyler decided to ask Peter and Lois to see if they could get Brian back, but before they could even knock, however.

"Peter, why don't you just admit you miss Brian?" John and Tyler heard Lois's voice as they peaked though the ajar door to see she was talking to Peter.

"Huh, you're right, Lois. Who am I kidding?" Peter agreed with her, "This family needs Brian. I need him. But most of all, I think John and Tyler need him."

Suddenly, the cat appeared and clawed up Peter's eyelids.

"God, I hate this freakin' cat." Peter said in aggrivation.

John and Tyler pulled away and thought that maybe they should be the ones to find Brian.

The next day, Brian was a stray once again, though he still had his collar. He was also carrying a cup for people to put change in.

"Can you, uh, spare some change?" Brian asked a man passing by.

"Why? So you can buy yourself another bottle of booze?" The man criticized, "Why don't you make something of your life, like this dog?" He was pointing at a wanted poster of Brian.

"That's me!" Brian reacted, "I-I mean, that was me."

"Yeah, sure." The man scoffed as he walked away.

"No, I mean it." Brian claimed, "That was me."

"Alright, I get it." The man said.

"Seriously!" Brian exclaimed.

"G-Get away from me, you crazy animal!" The man said to Brian.

"Alright, alright, you want me to be a crazy animal?" Brian talked back, "Okay, I'm a crazy animal!"

Brian then started biting on the man's leg.

"Ah, help! Help! Help! Help!" The man screamed.

Coincidentally, John and Tyler were there while putting up wanted posters of Brian. They heard the man's pleas for help and turned to that direction.

"Alright, who wants to be next?" Brian dared, "You? You?"

"Hey, Brian!" John called out to Brian, "Brian!"

"Brian!" Tyler also called out to Brian.

Brian turned to see John and Tyler there, much to his delight.

"We're here to bring you-" Tyler was about to say until the police arrived and took Brian away.

"You're going downtown, pal." One of the policemen carrying Brian away said as they got him in and drove away.

"Home..." Tyler finished his previous sentence.

Brian was locked up in the Quahog City Pound, where he had a cellmate that was a vicious looking dog.

"Hi." Brian greeted his cellmate, "How's it goin'?"

The dog did nothing but step closer at Brian.

"Oh, God." Brian reacted in fear that he'll get mauled, "Uh, I-I know karate!" But it didn't work, even when tried doing some stances of it. The dog, however, was still threatening Brian's life. "Oh, look! A tasty little toy chihuahua." Brian said trying to get the dog distracted. It worked and Brian tried to kick it in the nuts, but that backfired. "Well, I see someone's been neutered." Brian remarked as the dog is about to jump at Brian, but fortunately, he's saved when Brian's monitor, Felicia, opened the door between him and the dog.

"Come on, sugar." Felicia said to Brian, "It's time."

"Thank God." Brian thanked in relief as he left the cell.

The family was waiting for him when Brian came out.

"Oh, he's cute. Aren't you precious?" The man at the desk said to Brian, "Lethal injection. Next!"

"What?" Brian exclaimed.

"Oh, no!" Lois reacted.

"You can't do this!" Peter protested.

"Well, who's up for a little lunch, hm?" Stewie asked the family, "Something festive. Did someone say Tex-Mex?"

"Shut up, Stewie." John and Tyler said to Stewie in unison.

"I'm sorry, sugar." Felicia apologized to Brian.

"Help me." Brian pleaded to John , Tyler and Peter.

"Don't worry, boys." Peter said to John and Tyler, "I'll get him outta this. I'll get us the best help there is."

**Cutaway #9**

"'Dear, MacGuyver.'" Peter as he was writing a letter, "'Enclosed is a rubber band, a paper clip and a drinking straw. Please save my dog.'"

The person he wrote it for was MacGuyver from the show of the same name as he was reading it. Unfortunately, the letter was written in invisible ink, so MacGuyver didn't understand. He took the straw, then the clip, then bent and placed the clip at the tip of the straw. Next, he picked up the rubber band and put one end of it in the area of the paper clip that didn't get bent. He then pulled the rubber band, only for the clip to loosen and hit his eye.

**End**

The next week, Lois visited Brian at the pound.

"You're looking well." Lois told Brian.

"Yeah? Don't get too close. They say I'm dangerous." Brian informed Lois, "That's why the man's gonna put me down."

"Oh, don't say that, Brian." Lois said to Brian, "Peter, John and Tyler are working on your appeal. You'll see, everything's gonna work out."

"Ha! I may have been born with my eyes closed, but now I see the world for what it is." Brian scoffed, "I'm a second-class citizen, Lois."

"Brian, great news!" Peter came in and told Brian, "The City Council agreed to hear your case!"

"You're kidding!" Brian reacted, "If-If I prepare my case, I might have a chance after all. Oh, I don't know how to thank you, guys."

"See, Brian?" Tyler asked Brian, "This is what we were talking about."

"It-It is?" Brian said.

"Of course." Lois answered, "We're family. This is what we do for each other and it's what John and Tyler are doing for you right now."

"Yeah, we're gonna help get you outta here, no matter what." Tyler assured Brian, "Right, Mr. Griffin? Mr. Griffin?"

Tyler and John then turned to what Peter was looking at and did the same thing.

"Boys?" Lois asked Peter, John and Tyler as she turned to their direction where it showed a female dog flashing her nipples at the dog from Brian's cell, "Boys, don't stare!"

"Sorry, Mrs. Griffin." John and Tyler apologized, except Peter, who was still staring.

Later that night, Brian was getting prepared for his case with the City Council. He studied all night memorizing all the basic to law, thought he at one point decides to secretly read a doggy porno magazine whilst squatting over to see for any signs of erection.

The next morning, the case arrived at City Hall and Brian was now prepared. He walked into the courtroom wearing a blue suit and for some reason, glasses.

"Oh, good luck, sweetness." Felicia said to Brian.

"Thanks, Felicia." Brian thanked Felicia's support.

"This meeting was called to review the judgement in _City of Quahog v. Brian Griffin_." A member from the board announced.

Brian walked up. "Justice, for all..." Brian quoted as he removed his glasses, "...or for some?" He then put them away.

"Does a dog not feel?" Brian continued his speech, "If you scratch him, does his leg not shake? Yes, he is man's best friend, but-but what manner of friend is man?" He then went to his booth and opened his law book. "I would like to cite, if I may, the case of _Plessy v. Ferguson_-"

"Wait, wait, wait a minute." The same member who started the case paused, "This case is being represented by a dog?" The other member nodded, "Well, this has got to be the most ridiculously absurd thing that's ever happened! Take him away!"

"OBJECTION!" Tyler protested slamming his hand onto the stand.

"Objection what?" The member asked Tyler.

"Oh, I didn't expect anyone to say anything." Tyler confessed, "I just wanted to say, 'OBJECTION!.'"

"Thanks." Brian sarcastically thanked Tyler as security came in and grabbed him, "But-But doesn't every dog have his day?"

"Wait! I have something to say about this!" John announced, "All Brian's wanted this whole time was the same respect he gives us."

"Yeah, that and Snausages." Peter pointed out, "Heh, he's mental for those Snausages! And, uh, sure, sometimes we have arguments, like when he's sleeping on the bed and Lois is in the 'oodmay' but Brian won't 'amscray.'"

"Peter-" Lois said to Peter trying to let him finish so John could get back to his statement.

"Oh, right, sorry." Peter replied, "Look, what the kid's trying to say is, he's a member of our family first and a dog second. A-And John, Tyler and I are real sorry we forgot that, buddy. Sometimes, we all need a second chance."

"That's right." Tyler agreed, "We all need to forgive."

This got the family tearing up.

"I stole $10 from Meg's room!" Chris tearfully confessed.

"Uh..." John exclaimed in awkwardness.

"I stole those $10 from mom's purse!" Meg tearfully confessed also.

"Okay." Tyler said, "This isn't what I was talking about-"

"I've been making counterfeit $10 bills for ye-" Lois was about to join in.

"OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH!" Tyler shouted, "Thank you for sharing!"

"Mr. Griffin, this dog just attacked someone about a few days ago and might become a danger to society. Albeit an articulate and charismatic one." The main member told Peter, "But the law is the law and it cannot be circumvented by pretty words."

"What if we told you he'll do community service?" John asked the Council, which caught Brian by surprise.

"Deal." The member agreed.

The family (except Stewie) cheered for Brian's freedom.

"Mistrial, damn it!" Stewie protested, "Mistrial!"

The Griffins exit City Hall where Brian decided to finally have a drink from the fountain. One cop tries to stop Brian, but...

"No." Another cop stopped his partner, "Let him go."

The two policemen then let Brian by and the latter then took a sip. As everything seemed perfect, one man from the crowd started, but no one else joined him and he stopped.

"Nothing..." Tyler remarked.

Later that evening, the family was watching TV and things were back to normal.

"Anybody want more pizza rolls?" Lois asked everyone.

"Yeah, yeah, quiet, Lois." Peter shushed Lois, "_Murder, She Wrote_."

(A/N: I'm sorry for disappointing, y'all, but I felt a bit uncomfortable about this joke. In case you want to know, I'm against abortion and I don't think it's funny, but I will add the part with Peter below.)

"Aha!" Peter exclaimed, "So she's the murderer!"

"Come on, kids." Lois called out to John, Tyler, Meg, Chris and Stewie, "Bedtime."

The kids out up and went to bed.

"Goodnight, Brian." Lois greeted Brian good night, "And welcome home." Lois then gave a kiss good night.

"Oh, uh, actually, do you mind if I talk with John and Tyler for a minute before they head for bed?" Brian asked Lois.

"Sure thing." Lois assured.

"Okay." Both said in unison.

"Good night." Chris greeted.

"Good night." Meg greeted.

"Night." John and Tyler greeted.

After almost everyone else left, Stewie stayed and said to Brian, "Dog?"

"Yeah?" Brian asked.

Stewie gave a bow of acceptance to Brian and then scurried off.

"So, Brian. What was it wanted to-" John asked Brian before Brian licked his face. The same with Peter and Tyler. Though they didn't see it coming, John and Tyler then knew right away that Brian had now accepted him as both their friend and a member of their family.

"If you three ever tell anyone about that, I will kill all of you." Brian soon threatened the trio, though they didn't think he meant it.

**The End**

(A/N: To everyone who read, favorited and even reviewed this fanfic, thank you all so very much for all your support. I'm really glad there are people who have loved my story, I cannot tell you how much it means to me to have these great reviews, favorites and follows. Plus, this fanfic even got a community. Just a little notice, I'm going to be taking a break from writing for a while, but that doesn't mean it's the end. No. I know now that there are a lot of you who are loving this new retelling of Family Guy and I'm grateful for it. So, if you want a season 2, then please tell me in your review and maybe tell me what you want to see different in this version of the hit Fox show. Also, I'll be adding an extra chapter sometime either this month or the next. And again, thank you all for your kindness and God bless you all for it. Until then, see ya folks.)

(Disclaimer: Family Guy and it's characters are owned by both Seth MacFarlane and 20th Century Fox, aka FOX.. John and Tyler, however, belong to me.)


	8. Extras: Promos

**Extra: Promos**

Hello! And welcome to the Extra chapter. I'm your host, storytellr.

In case you don't know, this is a special chapter made specifically based on the promos that were used to advertise the show at the time of it's premiere. Now, they've been specially modified for this fanfic. Enjoy.

**Promo #1: Don't Vote**

**Introducing, Family Guy's newest remake**

The Griffins were watching TV. On it was a speech being given out by Bill Clinton.

"Mr. President, why do continue to avoid the truth, even after being impeached?" A member from the crowd asked.

"Um, probably because you're so fat!" Bill Clinton wisecracked.

Cuts back to the couch.

"This is why I don't vote." Brian acknowledged.

"I won't vot for that guy either." Tyler agreed with Brian.

**Family Guy JT**

"Hey, who's leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?" Brian asked.

**End**

**Promo #2: Stewie's Demands**

A camera was turned on and was taping Stewie, who was setting it up.

"Attention, world!" Stewie announced, "Meet my demands, or be destroyed. One: All nuclear arms shall be placed under my command. Two: each morning I am to be presented with a box of animal crackers. AND NO GIRAFFES! For every giraffe I find, I shall kill you. Three-" He was soon picked up by his mother, Lois.

"Stewie, come watch the game." Lois insisted.

"Blast!" Stewie swore.

As they left the room, the camera was then picked up and it displayed an upper body of a teenage boy wearing a cyan t-shirt and his head was off-screen.

"Hey, look! A camera!" The teen said before accidentally dropping the camera and breaking it, "Oops-"

**Meet John and Tyler in the first chapter!**

**Promo #3: Family Values**

"Hi. We're the Griffins." Peter told the viewer, "You know, our family shares the same values that your fam-" He was interrupted by a short, loud fart coming from the left, catching the family off-guard.

They look to their left as the camera pans to almost a close shot of two boys, but shrouded themselves with a white curtain at the last second.

"Brian!" One of them exclaimed pointing their hand out at Brian.

It then turned back to the Griffins.

"Oh, sure." Brian remarked, "Blame the dog."

**End**

**Promo #4: Stewie vs. Family and John &amp; Tyler**

The family was watching the Super Bowl when Stewie stepped in.

"Attention, family." Stewie announced, "I've decided to kill you all in under excruciating manner."

"Okeyydoke." Tyler exclaimed.

"What do you say to that?" As he said this, a quarterback score a touchdown on the TV and the family cheered in victory. "Yes, well, I'm glad you're all on board."

Unfortunately for the infant, John pointed to Stewie what really happened. Stewie then turned his head back and forth between the family and the TV and soon realized. "BLAST!" Stewie cursed as he then fled.

**End**

I would also like to know what were your favorite moments this season. Please leave your answer in the reviews. Anyway, thanks for reading, everybody! And be sure to get a chance to read season 2 of the story.


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